Five-pin is for Pussies.

Bold words. I know.

I went on a "blind date" last night with my Auntie Lise's co-worker's brother. Well... Him and seven other people. We went Five-pin bowling. He seems extremely nice. However, very, very shy. He did have me howling at one point with a rather smart comment when we all went out for drinks/snackies afterwards though. Bowling is on again for NEXT Saturday, but this time it's REAL bowling. Yeah, that's it. Ten-pin. And hopefully a few less people so that I can get more than 10 words out of him...

Dating. M'eh. Quite frankly I'm wondering if I'm up for a relationship.

I'm also wondering If I even want to date anymore. It's gotten to the point where lonely is a semi-permanent state of being, and I'm getting used to it.

I get more cuddly devotion from my body pillow, than from any male in my vicinity. The only guy that tells me he loves me on a regular basis, (and especially when he can see I need to hear it) is my five year old nephew. The saddest (?) thing about that, is the thought that Gad do I ever appreciate some completely unconditional love just for being myself, and for being the "Auntie" that he loves. I'm such a pussy girl that when he says it out of the blue, I get tears in my eyes.

Hear me out on this. It's not that I have no faith in myself. I know I can be a pretty decent girlfriend. (When I'm not being obsessive-compulsive, or analyzing things to death, or "what if-ing" myself to kingdom come, the way that girls ALWAYS do.) The thing I'm most frightened about doing, is hurting someone's feelings. Perhaps it's more along the lines of being terrified of being hurt again myself, so I cut off communication with people interested in me before they get too attached.

I really took Devin tossing me aside again very, very badly. I really should have known better, than to give my heart to someone that hurt me previously. I thought I had learned with Peter, but apparently I didn't.

Like I've told my friend Mark, when talking about our mutual friend Matty from work, the reason why I'm so protective of him, is that he's probably the sweetest 19(20?) year-old guy this town has to offer, and I'm scared to see him get jaded about love, like pretty much everyone else I know.

I'm jaded. I'm scared. And I feel lost inside myself. I've stopped my booty calls, I cleaned out my phone book on my cell phone, and basically am trying to renew myself. If that makes sense. Life is totally up in the air right now, and it's somewhat unsettling.

However, time is running short right now, I can't monopolize the parental unit's computer.

Good Lord. I can't wait until my course starts and I have a computer of my own to write on and not worry about hogging someone else's for the time I'm on it.