gah.

"I don't want a relationship right now, but I don't want to lose you. I care about you a lot."


...


.......


"Uh... So what the fucking hell does that mean?"

Does that mean that Linds stays friends, but doesn't keep looking for anything else,and feels like shit? Is that what it fucking means? You know what else?

It also means that Linds is kicking herself for buying you a two hundred dollar present for your goddamned birthday, that would have thrilled you down to your toes.

Yeah, I'm a fucking awesome girlfriend. Even though I'm not technically your girlfriend because you would "under normal circumstances had me classified as girlfriend within the month we started dating".

Though, you haven't actually recieved the gift yet... Even though my concience is telling me to take you anyways. Do you deserve to go? Fucked if I know.

*sighs*

Mad, frustrated. Lonely.

The reality of it is, you're the one setting guidelines, and I'm the one that is saying no fucking way.

I know this is an example of the pot calling the kettle black, because I did the same thing with Damien. Maybe it's karma biting me in the ass for hurting him.

Yes I'm confused, yes I'm hurt, but I'm not going to balk and be bashful and be controlled/submissive by your whims. I know that he's got enough issues as it is, his father committed suicide approximately a year ago, and June is "always a bad month for him"...

He's got family issues and baggage, but so does everyone.

It's not that I'm not sympathetic, I'm just frustrated that he hides inside himself and doesn't TELL me what's going on. I can understand he's in this boggled mind state, there's just not much that I can do to help other than offer a hug and my quiet company when he's feeling overwhelmed or alone.

It's just so damned hard, and I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to be there for you, and you're not accepting my offers. You're not even answering the goddamned phone.

I don't want to be abandoned again.