It's been a week or so since my last post, I've been a busy girl.
I had one of my best friends over on Saturday night, Crystal is a girl I met in Math class about eight years ago in grade ten or so, and we've been through so much shit in our relationship, (As in getting into it. Oh lord have we done stupid stuff. LOL.) and having been separated for a few years because of separate romantic relationships, etc, but the best part is that when we hook up again, we slide back into our regular routine. Like nothing ever happened, and to me, that means that she is a true friend.
Crystal and I, Had a great conversation Saturday afternoon, about men and relationships. Men don't seem to realize that apart from all the romantic shit that they THINK we want, all we want are the simple things. The things that make us feel appreciated. Like a phone call at night to say goodnight if you don't happen to live together. Just a phone call. But most men, at least in both her and my scenario's, don't do that. Actually in most of my friends relationships, they don't do that. I'm in a rather difficult position right now relationship wise, where the ONLY person I want to be with the most is too far away for it to be feasible, and also, too busy to give me a response to anything I send him, being text messages, or emails, phone calls or online messages. And it's heartbreaking.
It's not to say I don't understand. Actually, I completely understand. I can't really imagine myself content with anyone else. I probably shouldn't even be writing this in here, but the moment I saw his picture in Hot or not of all places, I was captivated. And its this stupid feeling of a girl in love, the vulnerability that I absolutely despise, that is part of the reason why I'm so frustrated. The anguished longing where I tell myself that I don't fucking care if he responds, but damnit. I do. Over the last month, He's been working SO much that I get maybe five minutes a week to communicate with him for actual conversation, and a couple sentences tossed in here or there on Yahoo or MSN messenger. It's not really my fault or his. I can't lay blame anywhere, and I've been trying to keep myself so busy lately to distract myself from his absence.
I've got people interested in me here. But honestly, my heart isn't in it. And it makes me feel horrible. They are decent guys, I don't know exactly how they feel about me, and tossing them into the mix, or making them second choice when I know who I want to be with is really fucking with my head. And also completely unfair to them. The burning sense of loneliness, when I know I could have someone here, is fucking with my head too. I'm terribly confused. Matters of the heart are the most complicated of all, because love really does fuck with your judgment. It's also the strongest, most amazing emotion of all. I don't like finding solace in the arms of others. I don't like being deceptive that way.
At this point in time, I'm so flippin confused, that I don't know what to do. I'm caught on the edge of despair, and clinging to hope. I don't know if I should give up entirely, although it would hurt both himself and I immensely, but I'm torn.
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