There are days when I just get stuck in a really bad headspace and I can't get out. No matter how bad I want out. Today is one of those days, and I want out. I want to escape, and there's no where to go.
My mind keeps circling around that negativity, and dwelling on the things that are dragging me down into depression. I'm very lonely right now, hurting and feeling extremely rejected. I shouldn't let a person that didn't love me in the first place, bring me down this low, but I can't help it right now. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted from spreading my attentions and energies too thin. It's a pity party, and no one is invited but me.
Generally, (despite my catty commentary occasionally), I'm fairly cheerful, easy to laugh and cracking jokes or teasing people. I have to keep that turned on at work, but you'd be surprised how easy a facade being chipper is when your mind is mired in negativity. Maybe it's a case of lying to the general public, or just not wanting the regular run of the mill Joe's aware of what garbage cluttering up my head. The only way to tell is to look deep into my eyes, and you can see this lingering unhappiness and sadness in them. Most people miss it. Even the ones that know me really well. I can see it... But then again, I spend all day inside my head.
Maybe it's a case of being obsessive compulsive, which I'm sure I have to a more than a slight degree, because I have the hardest time letting things/people/feelings go. I'm obsessing. I'm working out what happened to me over and over and over again, and looking at it from a thousand different angles, and raging in my head, and crying in my sleep. I'm wondering how I fucked up along the way, and beating myself up. I'm ranting and raving and I feel like I'm losing my sanity, sometimes. And all the while, I'm wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, and why can't things, at least SOMETIMES, go smoothly. If it was even just ONE thing, it would be so much more peace, in my head and heart.
While talking to a friend, who's often in the very same situation that I'm in, he remarked 'I often wonder if it's karma biting me in the ass for not forwarding along those stupid "forward me to ten people, or be unlucky in love for 7 years" emails that people keep on sending me?" I laughed. Who knows. It could be, but I doubt it. I don't send those things to people, either.
I'm tired of getting the shit end of the stick. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of struggling, and begging for attention and affection I deserve as a loving, open, caring human being... but I know that's life, and I know it's not easy. I know people have to fight for what they want... But why does it all come down so hard, and why does it come down so hard all at the same time?
There was a pigeon that fell into an air intake duct on the roof of the mall I work at about a week and a half ago. The opening was large enough in diameter (approximately 8 inches thereabouts) for the bird to get in, but not large enough for the bird to spread it's wings and get out.
Cruelly enough, the mall administration decided that maintenance was only going to slide the top of the air duct intake over by about three inches, and see if the bird could get out on it's own. No calling the SPCA, no calling Pest control, no calling an animal shelter, and not even placing something for the bird to get it's claws in enough to pull itself out. Basically, they gave this animal a death sentence, for the simple accident of it falling in the vent.
For approximately a week, everytime I stepped out in this area for a break I could hear this poor pigeon frantically beating it's wings against the sides of the vent, struggling to get out.
Each day, the sound got fainter and fainter, less frequent in between attempts, as the hot sun beat on the roof of the building, the air went through the vents, dehydrating this poor abused bird. People out on breaks at the same time as I was pitied the creature. We had no access to the roof of the building. There was nothing we could do but listen to it slowly die.
It stopped trying to escape about three days ago. I'm fairly certain it died a horrible, lonely death, only because of the cruelty, ignorance, tightfistedness, and laziness of mall administration.
Sometimes I feel like that pigeon. I spend 52 hours a week doing something I'm good at, but I'm not passionate about. I see the people in the mall more than I see my own family members. I spend 52 hours a week talking to people with an IQ lower than 100, a majority of the time. I feel lost. I feel empty.
Maybe I'm mall administration, and it's my own cruelty, and tightfisted-ness, and laziness that is stopping me from doing something else. Is it my own ignorance that is keeping me from seeing opportunities, and my own fear that's stopping me from taking the paths that might change my life?
Maybe I'm just terrified to break into my own field, to what I went to school for, because i'm so scared that I'll fail. Again. This is bad headspace. This isn't helping me. This is bad JuJu. Who the hell did I piss off? Which ant did I step on that became a God, somehow? Is it the worms I used to play with as a kid?
'Cause if it's not one thing, it's another, and all I want to do, is sleep until it all goes away.
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