The Infamous "Proust Questionnaire"

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Of my personal misery, would be to be alone, unloved and destitute. I have a particular fear of being destitute. I guess it's years of comfy living that put that there. *she says tongue in cheek*

Where would you like to live?
Somewhere where quiet would be the general theme of the place I lived. I don't like excessive noise when it's not necessary. A thumping subwoofer at 11 am (and especially at 11PM!) isn't my idea of relaxed living. Modern, contemporary, and clean, or historic and well loved before I was there. Either works for me. I want a house with a large enclosed wraparound porch, somewhere safe, welcoming and beautiful for my family, for myself, and for the friends that visit.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Being loved, with a close family. Really, everything else just falls into place when that happens. Everything else is also just the icing on the cake.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Clumsy-ness and Naivete. Things that you can't help, or things that show you have learning yet to do. Clumsy-ness, actually I find rather endearing.

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Phedre, from the Kushiel's Dart series by Jacqueline Carey.

Your favorite painter(s)?
Tamara de Lampicka, Don Li-Liger, Van Gogh, Monet.

Your favorite musician?
I have so many. Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughan, Norah Jones, Eric Clapton, B.B. King, Stevie Ray Vaughan. A lot of jazz and Blues. I like low, smoky, impassioned voices, or ones that are just purity to listen to.

The quality you most admire in a man?
Logic, in the face of emotion. It's so enviable! Often it can be confused with being cold, but it's more a matter of seeing things rationally when you're hot tempered.

The quality you most admire in a woman?
Thoughtfulness for others. The ability to not be petty, selfish or vindictive.

Your favorite virtue?
Honesty. It so often gets mixed up in the muck.

Your favorite occupation?
Painter/artist, writer or musician. The ability to create is so wonderful.

Who would you have liked to be?
That's a loaded question. When I was in my youth, I dreamed of fame without the accompanying tripe that came with it. When I was in college, it was a well known but easy to get along with creative mind, not someone that was in charge of things, but someone that would contribute to important discussion, and one that would make the touches that made a project personal and universally appealing at the same time. Now... Something a little more than what I am, an educator, or instructor with good sense.

Your most marked characteristic?
I think my inherently playful nature. My social tendencies.

What do you most value in your friends?
Their ability to laugh when the world is hard on them. Positivity can be so beneficial not only to you but the world at large. Also, the depth and unquestionable genuine quality of their love.

What is your principle defect?
Laziness.

What is your dream of happiness?
Safety, Security financially. Simple pleasures and watching my son grow.

In what country would you like to live?
I never really thought of it but I'm remarkably lucky to be living in Canada. It's beautiful, relatively clean, welcoming and the autumn (My favourite season by far) in Canada is spectacular.

What is your favorite color?
I've got a deep and inexplicable love of the colour orange.

What is your favorite bird?
Eagles, Crows.

Who are your favorite prose writers?
Jacqueline Carey, Anne Rice, Orson Scott Card, J. R. Ward. Many more.

Who are your favorite poets?
Robert Frost.

Who are your favorite composers?
Satie. Pachabel.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My parents. My Fiance Cliff, My son for teaching me that every day is a gift, and that every day you can learn something new/that things that we take for granted are fascinating for a one year old. My friends that accept me, never judge me and love me for who I am and what I've done.

What are your favorite names?
I don't really have any favourites, persay. I love Jacob's second Middle name, Nicholas, which I chose. Sophie or Sophia, which we have chosen if we decide to and are able to have another baby and it's a girl. (this is a few years in the future.)

What is it you most dislike?
Greed. Spite. Malice. Deliberate cruelty.

What historical figures do you most despise?
Hitler tops the list. George W. Bush, for being so smart (Yes I do honestly believe he is a smart man...) and playing up the stupid to a ridiculous amount to cover up his Fuckups.

What event in military history do you most admire?
I have no idea.

What reform do you most admire?
The right for women to choose abortion if they so desire. The way that the European states treat Maternity leave (2 years of mat leave there! This is so wonderful!)

What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Physical grace, athleticism.

How would you like to die?
I don't really dwell on these questions. Loved. Elderly.

What is your present state of mind?
Nervous about reentering the writing world. Slightly lost at the fact that for the first time in 10 years, I'm unemployed because I'm taking care of my son.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Emotional reactions to things that deserve emotional reactions. When someone tells me "I'm sorry" when they are crying about something that is hard on the heart and soul, I often tell them they are allowed to be upset, if they weren't they wouldn't be a human being.

What is your motto?
I believe that every day you should do at least one random act of kindness towards someone else, that you should spend more time with your family and enjoy the most that life has to offer. You only get one life, live it well.

Revelation.

I absolutely hated being pregnant. Seriously, it was 9 months of hell, I'm absolutely never doing it again.

I hated my personality. Hormones wreaked havoc on my body and my mind. I hated my body feeling like it wasn't just my body, (sometimes) and I hated feeling nauseated just from walking near a public bathroom, or into a supermarket. By the time I was in the late 3rd trimester, everytime Jake moved it was excruciating. And I had a relatively easy pregnancy! I had no gestational diabetes, and I carried only 1 day past my due date (though I was in labour for 2 days prior to it).

I spend pretty much every hour of every day in the company of my son.

And I love it. I LOVE being a parent. Nothing in my life has made me happier than hearing his teeny baby giggle or seeing his gummy smile. There is nothing in this world that compares to the feeling of knowing that you are responsible for someone, that you created something more important than a piece of art, or song, or writing, or cuddling your beloved pet, and it is nothing in comparison. There is someone in this world that lives and breathes and smiles at you, someone who trusts you unconditionally, because you provide love and support and consolation, and also, just for being you. they hold you in regard as the center of their universe, which is only fair, because they are the center of yours.

If you have never had a child, you will never understand this. You may think you do, but seriously, you don't. You won't until you have had one. You suddenly become willing to sacrifice everything you are and everything you have for the safety and happiness of your kid.

And I know this is deep. but these are the thoughts that continually circle around in my sleep deprived brain. The thoughts that go, "Shit, Linds, you didn't know WHAT the fuck you were in for, did you?"

Sure didn't!

But just think of it this way, They're really cute, even when they fart in their sleep.

For The Record...

Happy Anniversary, Cliffy. My pirate, my cowboy, and my gentleman, all rolled into one.

You've held my hand during our tough times, shared our joy together during everything we've been through, and captured my heart for the past year. I thank whatever god(s) exists in this universe that I had the chance to go out with you one year ago today, for that dinner at the little neighborhood restaurant where we had our first date. I love the feeling of your body next to mine at night. I love that you want to make this relationship actually work. I love how you kiss me goodbye every morning, even if I'm so asleep I don't remember it until later that afternoon. I love the sound of your voice from the other room when you sing with the radio. I love how you smell after I haven't seen you for the entire day. Like male, and wood, and cologne you put on that morning and... I cannot find the words to do it justice... It just smells like... Home. Where I belong.

Just know, I love you. So very much.

P.S. Dinner? It was amazing. Dessert? Even better. *wink*

Oh...

I've been very busy the last 2 months. I suppose it shows, what with lack of posts.

I suppose... I should give you some small details from the things that have happened in the last while, since I've neglected this page, for quite some time.

As of 3 weeks ago, I was pregnant with my first child. Yes, a big, momentous event, indeed. I was thrilled. Cliff was beyond thrilled. My parents were totally stoked. Unfortunately, on June 11th, at 5 am, I lost my baby, three and a half months into my pregnancy.

I was leery of writing about being pregnant, mainly for the fact that I wasn't over my first trimester, and I wasn't comfortable discussing it in a fairly public venue. I'm still not too comfortable discussing it in a public venue, but maybe that might shed some light as to why I wasn't writing very much. Most of the time I was sleeping, bitchy (not a big change from the usual...) and when I wasn't sleeping, I was working. Or eating. Or bitching. Or massaging my sore feet. One of those, just pick one at random.

I was... Am... Highly traumatized by the whole event, even though I keep on telling myself to "Get over it". I don't really want to discuss it. I've learned more about my mental state, or lack thereof, more than ever in the past 3 weeks. I spent a week lying in bed, mourning the loss of my baby, and recuperating, and the last 2 weeks struggling to make ends meet from that week that I had to take off of work, that isn't covered by medical leave from my work despite my bosses best efforts to make it that way. Fun? No. Not so much.

It's been very hard for me, to contemplate writing in here, when all I've been trying to do is clear my thoughts, and remain calm and collected. I'm not doing a very good job. It's really difficult to maintain a happy face when my thoughts are so troubled and cluttered with grief.

Once again, the brightest spot in my life is Cliff, who outshines my highest hopes and expectations, giving me love, affection, devotion and support; and expecting nothing else other than for me to be myself in return. I am a very lucky woman.

If I don't return to write in here for a while, I'll beg your pardon for the bloggus interruptus. I'm still sorting through how I feel and for once, GSD doesn't feel like a welcome, reliable outlet to gush my feelings out into. Nothing personal of course, it's just that this whole scenario hurts too much for me to put out there for the whole world to dissect.

I'll see you guys on the flip flop, when I've waded out of the mire in my head, and back into Glamazon Shoe territory.

All Dressed Up, and Nowhere To Go...

This whole entry started with me being curious as to what a Partial birth Abortion was, and the lovely informative Google.

I decided to fill out the "survey" attached at the end of one website rather "pro-life" website, and along with questions like "which political party do you associate yourself with?" (the answer is democratic, or liberal, if I have to...) and what's my opinion on Gun Control (For, Duh.) and the Death Penalty (No definite Answer, it depends on circumstance.) it had a segment on where I could write my own "additional comments." I wrote and toiled and laboured on this, and finally, happy with my decision, clicked "submit" even sacrificing my valid email address, only to be greeted on the subsequent page with "Error... Error... My limbs are flailing wildly... Error, Will Robinson. Must kill Robinson Family... Destroy, destroy..."

Well, Fuck. I hit the back button, copy and pasted it into notepad, and here I am. Pissed that I wrote a pretty sharp arguement, and had nowhere to put it. It was all dressed up, and had nowhere to go.

So, I decide to post, in a rather more open forum, and hope I'm not going to kick myself in the ass because there are people out there who LOVE to argue and argue and argue this point until death. I decided "Here we go, Linds, let's piss some people off, because they disagree with my opinion... I'm probably inviting the vampires right into my humble abode by doing so.

Just remember, boys and girls, I'm TRYING to maintain a rather neutral standpoint. I CAN see it from both perspectives, I just choose to not agree as much with one over the other. I know you fuckers are going to bitch at me for it. Just refrain from saying stupid stuff like "why is it that you whining liberals always have to.. ..." into my comments box, please. I don't reply to assholes. Play nice with the commie pinko, okay? I promise I'll play nice with you, too, if you keep your discussion nice and mature, rather than cheap shots at the fat chick who writes on a website that only 12 people come to a day.

Without further Ado...

Let me start with saying that I have read your website from front to back, excluding the page that is quotations from the bible and religious officials, which being non-religious in any aspect, did not hold much relevance for me. Sorry if that seems close-minded but I honestly don't feel that it would have changed my opinion either way.

While I am still pro-choice regarding the right for a woman to choose abortion, I personally do agree in first trimester abortion, and do not agree in abortion after the first trimester. I definitely do not agree with the notion of Partial Birth Abortions. This is only my opinion however, and here is my reasoning.

If you haven't made up your mind that you're going to keep your baby or not within two months (most women do not know if they are pregnant until they miss a period, usually 1 month after conception and into their first trimester) then there are methods to go about to give a baby a safe home via adoption. I fully embrace adoption as a viable option for a woman to make. It is not an easy decision, but it is one that when taken into consideration and well thought out, can prove to be beneficial for all parties involved. Mother, baby and adoptive parents.

I consider a fetus a human being. I do not consider a fetus a person. To me personally, there are differences.

A HUMAN BEING is someone who is created from two human beings. You are human from conception. Yes, Human from conception! Man and Woman are human, therefore creating human offspring. That's it. Male dogs and female dogs make puppies. Male cats and Female cats make kittens. It's simple species definition. They bump uglies, sperm and ovum do a little tango, and zygotes happen.

A PERSON, is someone who has had experiences and a life outside of the one that is inside the womb. A person has an established identity, a name, a place in the world, and a life outside of being concieved and the symbiotic relationship with the mother. It may seem cold and scientific, but it, at least to me, is relevant and accurate.

I've sat next to my best friend while she had an abortion 2 years after having her first son, and now is pregant with her third, (and planned pregnancy with her husband,) and it was a complicated and intense situation, that no woman should take lightly. She felt no regrets regarding her decision, and knew that it was not yet time for her to have her second child. Now she has a happy, healthy 7 year old and a new baby on the way. It's all a matter of circumstance, and to blanket judgment an entire countries decisions based on what quite possibly might be the majority of the populace who does NOT believe in abortion, does not make this country a democracy, it makes it a dictatorship.

To make abortion illegal DOES take away the rights of women to make a choice. Not all women that find themselves with an unwanted pregnancy choose abortion, and that is what makes me the saddest about this debate. I think that women should be counselled regarding the options available, but sadly from my own personal experiences, most "counselling" is very biased, either in one direction or another, which is not the way it should be.

My personal experiences with the Pregnancy Crisis Center left me with a woman who sniped at me that I was an "angry little girl", (I was 20, terrified, pregant for first time, and I found this rather insulting, and completely unhelpful in any situation...) and who threw pamphlets at me when I had informed her of my leaning toward, but not fully decided to have an abortion, when I had arrived there for advice and hopefully, answers. The stress from this along with the confusion and nervousness caused me to miscarry a day later, a month and a half into my pregancy, thus negating the need to make a decision, but leaving a very sour taste in my mouth regarding the supposed "methods" of the Crisis Pregancy Centers.

The same center, when helping the previously mentioned friend who had decided to keep her first baby, treated her like a gem, and supplied her with many things. I found the responses from the "counsellors" in these centers very biased and negative. I was not decided if I was ready to have a child, and she was, therefore I get treated like dirt, and she gets treated like royalty? Support should be given regardless of decisions. They are both difficult and hard to make when a pregancy is unexpected and would be hard to care for after the baby was born.

I do not think religion and politics should play a role in a difficult, very personal decision like this. Women should be given the correct, unbiased facts and let them make their own educated decisions, regardless of the personal leanings of the "counsellors" involved. It is a disgustingly cutthroat society that would terrify and bully a scared, single woman when all she is asking for is help and advice.

I am not one of the raving, "bra burning" uber feminists out there, but I believe that when you take the rights of women away and safer methods of removing "problems" or "unwanted" pregancies from her, you are opening the doors for "coathanger" abortions in dirty, unsanitary places, and while yes, infections, deaths and the like DO happen ocassionally from legal, supposed "safe" abortions gone awry, it is a safer place when women are not trapped and terrified when they miss a period, that the time they are going through at that moment is going to change their life forever when they are not ready for it. (and even just getting pregnant is a life changing thing, wanted or not) Children born to parent(s) that are more prepared socially, economically, or emotionally to raise children, do better jobs and give those children better lives.

A Thought...

When Cliff and I were born, both of our births were greeted with sorrow. Granted those auspicious days were a little over 16 years separated from each other, and sorrowful for completely related reasons. Both encompassing the loss of a child.

His because he was "unwanted" (but never in my eyes, or his adoptive parents and sibling...) and given up for adoption. Not that I think any less on a woman giving her child up to someone else, it is a huge sacrifice, and one not made lightly. He was given unto the care of an adoption agency.

When I was born, my twin sister was stillborn. Needless to say amidst the joy of birthing a whole, hale and wailing baby girl, the loss of the first, I think, at that moment overshadowed the birth of the second.

I hope, that one day when I have my baby, nothing but joy surrounds that birth.

Wow.

Courtesy of The Mayor, from one of his "linkie love" posts.

A very effective, thought provoking public service announcement directed at women, regarding A.I.D.S./H.I.V. (This is Not Suitable For Work.)

This P.S.A. was so eye-openingly different, that I wanted to do a little research to find out who made it. The creators of this Public Service Announcement, (which was broadcast on MTV during International World AIDS Day, December 1st) is an international advertising agency called Ogilvy.

I'd like to commend them on their... Well... Really, amazing work, for this public service announcement on an important issue, that needs to be addressed. It's not dancing around any issues, and certainly has a shock value that left me with a few tears in my eyes, and speechless for a moment or two.

I'll admit, I've behaved recklessly in my past, and I'm bloody well lucky that I haven't ever ended up with anything that would have made me regret my actions. This just kind of brought it home to me. Hard.

Wow.

Our Perfect Companions Never Have Fewer Than Four Feet.

Today, Cliff and I stopped by my parents house to pick up a few Christmas presents from my Dad's side of the family, because I had to work on Boxing day, and missed visiting with them that day.

My mom was sitting in the living room next to the cat post, where my cat, Bob sat on his haunches, looking rather despondant and not even lifting his head up when I scratched behind his ears.

"He hasn't eaten in two days." She said.

I looked at my cat, who did look rather weak and gaunt. I slid my hand from the tip of his nose to the base of his spine, scratching him above the tail where he usually loves being scratched, and got very little response. He didn't even lift his head.

"I think he's going to go in a few days."

"Oh."

I continued to pet my cat, gently. Feeling his spine through his skin, and I didn't know what to think. Cliff was waiting in the car. I shouldn't stay long. I told my cat I loved him, a few times, actually... Grabbed my stuff off the chair, kissed my mom goodbye, and then left.

It's hard to know that my cat is going to die.

I didn't take him when I moved because my apartment building didn't allow cats, and truth be told, my dad loved him so much that I didn't have the heart to take him away. The damned cat waited at the door for my dad like a puppy when it was time for him to get home from work. I might have picked him out of the box of kittens 14 years ago, but it was my Dad who got most his affection.That's okay, though. Dad earned it.

Bob still came up to me for pets and cuddles occasionally. He came when he required a lift up to the window sill, or a scratch at the base of his tail, or help reaching a rabbit fur mouse he'd batted too far under the couch to reach with a paw, or when I'd had a rough time with a relationship and needed a curled up friend in my lap, he was there.

I got in the car, and Cliff asked me what I wanted for dinner. I just started crying.

I'll miss my cat, when he goes.

We tie bright ribbons around their necks, and occasionally little tinkling bells, and we affect to think that they are as sweet and vapid as the coy name "kitty" by which we call them would imply. It is a curious illusion. For purring beside our fireplaces and pattering along our back fences, we have got a wild beast as uncowed and uncorrupted as any under heaven.

– Alan Devoe

We Are What They Want Us To Be... In The End.

Okay. I was doing a little thinking. Dangerous, I know.

It's hard to phrase the right way, But I think in each relationship we are in with whoever we are with, we change to suit them.

Not extreme measures, mind you, or at least not ME changing in extreme measures, or even my boyfriend doing so, but we seem to slightly change to better suit our partners preferences.

Ugh, this is all coming out *wrong*. It sounds like I mean that we turn into Stepford wives/husbands. Let's phrase this another way.

Over the years, I've grown from being rather domineering, prudish, and advantageous individual, into someone who is usually very sweet tempered (most of the time), pretty giggly (but not ditzy), relatively easy-going, devoted and fairly honest. (Hey, little white lies never killed anyone, did they?) I'm also sensitive and pretty empathic to other's needs and desires.
I'm still direct when I've got something to say, I'm still determined and loud and energetic...

With Erik I was little miss intelligentsia. That's not to say that I'm NOT intelligent anymore, it was just a focus on our relationship. Erik is a brilliant man. I had to keep up. I also partied harder with Erik than I did in any other relationship. During that 6 month long stint, I spent more money on alcohol and accoutrement than I have in the last 4 years prior to it combined.

When I was "with" Devin... Ergh... I was (too) empathic, too accepting, and too generous with my emotions and time.

And with Cliff, I'm turning into what could be the perfect little housewife, when I'm not working my 52 hours a week.

Shocking, isn't it?

I cook, clean, and quite willingly contemplate having his babies. I imagine sitting next to him in a rocking chair 40 years down the road. I spend 98 percent of my time off work, with him, (though, oftentimes in completely different rooms, doing different things) I fall asleep at eleven pm, after reading my novel and chatting with him for about an hour prior to sleep. I'm so sweet it could make your teeth rot, (and it's wholeheartedly genuine!) I (mutually) spoil him with affection, I ask him how his day was at the end of the day...

It's all pretty foreign to me. But it's so very cool.

So my questions are these:

1.) "When did I grow up behind my back?"

2.) "When's this whole crazy, fantastic life going to come crashing down around me?"