Why is it that even when you end something as simple as a casual relationship, you always feel like shit? Passive agressive bullshit and moping blah blah blah, everything I say taken the wrong way, bitch, moan, complain. Things looked into more than they should be, taking what I say and disregarding it. Saying what I feel up front, or having to dance aroudn the issue and say it diplomatically. I'm so mad. I don't mean half of this. I'm so damned mad. I'm so fucking frustrated.
This is more than what I usually reveal in here regarding my life. Fuck it, here it comes.
Whatever. I'm sick and tired of making EVERYONE ELSE happy. I'm so FUCKING SICK OF IT. Y'ALL CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES if you expect me to care about what you think about me. Oh Yeah? Fuck you if you think I'm being selfish. I'm damned well ALLOWED to be selfish, once in a while. I'm tired of pussyfooting around and making EVERYONE else happy and I'm MISERABLE inside.
I'm working, I'm going to work five days a week and get my shit in gear, and make eight dollars an hour, and fuck whoever doesn't like that shit. I don't fucking well care about what you think anymore. I need to figure out who I am, I need my life in order because it's all fucked up.
I'm tired of the drama, I'm tired of being expected to be someone, or spend time with someone when I just need to figure out who the fuck *I* am. I'm so tired of being a failure, I'm not in school anymore I fucked that up, and my parents are so dissapointed in me though they pretend they're not. My dad talks to me like he's walking on eggshells, at least my mom has the decency to not talk to me like I deserve respect when I've fucked up so badly and say it like it is, to my face, because I FUCKED UP., and I fucked up BAD. That I'm not in school anymroe and I feel so ashamed, I feel like an enormous failure, and I needed to admit it. I've never felt so ALONE in my entire life when I'm surrounded by people that care about me, and it's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can do to make it better, because I fucked up, okay? I made the mistake, it's my mistake to fix. But the thing is I don't know if I can fix it. I don't know if I know how, and I don't want to ask for help because I should be able to do this on my own, right?
No of course I'm not going to do anything stupid, okay? I'm too scared of dying. I lie. I tell people I'm not afraid of death, but when it comes down to it and all it would take is swallowing that bottle of pills with vodka, or taking a long hot bath with the razor blades or the toaster, or all that stupid shit, I'm not going to do it, because I'm too afraid. It doesn't mean I haven't thought about it, though. Hey, at least I'm honest.
This has been building and building, and buried inside of me festering like some sort of infection, and I can't say anything and I can't admit anything because it's a weakness and I can't be weak, not again, I fuck everything up. everything I touch, every relationship I've had every
I miss Erik. I miss Devin. Erik moved away and Devin basically took my feelings and emotions and fucked the dog behind the shed regarding them. Goddamnit. I'm so mad. I'm in tears in the goddamned mall. I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm so fucking stupid. I could have done this right and I didn't. I could have done a lot of things right and I fucked up all over the goddamned place.
No, don't call, okay? At least not until after eight pm. It costs too much in the day time.
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