linds: You know what I've realized about myself? Is that I love to make people feel better about themselves when they are lonely. I'm the ultimate temporary companion.
jeri: Wellllll...You need to be someone's permanent one.
linds: Sometime...
jeri: Sooner, rather than later.
linds: Hrmph.
----------------------
It’s true. I’m good at sex, making people feel wanted, and appreciated, but not good enough to be around for longer than six months. I get clingy, I get dependent, I get all the things that drive men away faster than you can say “Herpes”. It’s depressing. It’s also stark reality that I face head on, because it’s too hard to cling to pipe dreams.
I have a friend, who stops by my work every weekend, and occasionally during the week. He’s an single, older man, (which I prefer.) He’s handsome, tall, lean, with dark hair, and blue eyes, a sexy gravelly voice, he’s artistically minded, and has the most remarkably wicked sense of humour.
And, guilty as charged... I’ve developed a crush on him. It’s mutual, and he invited me to his place for home cooked dinner. I gleefully accepted his offer, but in my gut, I’ve got this feeling of dread, that I’m going to hurt him. Badly. And that I’m going to hurt myself badly in the process.
I’m not fully back to “myself” again. I’m not ready for anything serious, and I’ve got complicated emotions that aren’t fully resolved yet. I know it’s the fact that my own self confidence was kicked out from underneath me, and it’s still healing from the blow.
I know I’m the kind of person that hangs on to things, and fights change because it scares the living shit out of me. I know I have expectations of myself that are unrealistic, and as people love to point out, I’m very hard on myself. I’m driven, but I wonder if I often drive myself to the brink of insanity by being this way.
Am I scared to open up my heart to someone else? Hell yes. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s a foolish thing that ends up with me getting trampled on emotionally, but something I haven’t been able to change about myself.
I’m a loner at heart. I wasn’t physically touched much when I was younger, excepting the occasional hugs from my parents. I did my own thing. I grew up without siblings, I grew up without many friends, and I think sometimes that I’m a little socially retarded. Books were my friends. I hid inside my fantasy worlds, and my romance novels, and learned my tertiary education from the minds of writers. Maybe that’s one of my problems. I learned it but I didn't do it myself.
My first introduction to sexuality with someone else, was when I was 13, and I wasn’t a willing participant... I think, that maybe, this has fucked with my head more than I care to admit. But I can’t blame some fuck head that took advantage of my trust and my body without my consent; for screwing up my life. Outside of the things I can’t control, I’m the one behind the steering wheel. That’s like people saying they killed half a dozen people in the local Walmart, because their parents yelled at them when they were kids. There’s more to the story than some psychobabble icing the top.
I get overwhelmed easily. I develop this attachment to people that will love me, and then I take it two steps too far, by pushing or rushing or expecting more (or, that being said, less) than I deserve... And I still don’t know what I deserve.
I fall into the safety net of the uncommitted, temporary relationship because I know there are no permanent ties to the person I’m with. And I still fall in love with them. It’s my catch 22.
Every time I try to develop a relationship with any lasting potential, I’ve always either chosen the wrong person, or butchered a relationship with someone I could have actually made a life with, into something harsh and unforgiving. It ends in tattered ruins at my feet.
I’m not saying it’s all my fault, but at the same time... I’m sure I am the one to blame for a large portion of what’s goes down.
So, do I risk potentially hurting this wonderful person due to my own loneliness, or do I suck it up and stay by myself, to save them and myself from another painful bout of tears?
I know, I know. Dinner at his place doesn’t mean married, for chrissakes, I’m not stupid. I just don’t want to lead anyone on. Not anymore, and not ever in the first place.
Do I let my own selfish desires get in the way of how I behave? Do I back out on my agreement and disappoint this friend, who is such a wonderful person, bar none, because I’m so lost? He deserves so much more than a temporary girlfriend.
No comments:
Post a Comment