Just for a week or so. Thank Gad for my friend Norm up at 100 mile house. His generosity extended itself above and beyond the call of friendship, to invite me up there for a week. I'm taking him up on the offer. He told me he wants me to relax. I certainly need to get away from all the busy-ness in town, and sit somewhere near the water and read a book or six.
I've taken a "Medical Stress Leave" from work, compensated by Medical Employment Insurance. The drama happening at work (which I'm sorry to say, I haven't posted in here, lets just say it was shitloads...) as well as the emotional wrecking ball which is my relationship status and finances, had finally taken its toll. The doctor actually classified it as "Situational Depression." Where a few months ago I felt "Soul weary" now I feel utterly lost. Lost in myself, and lost to myself. I found myself sobbing Wednesday night without anything to stop it. (not crying. I mean serious, heart-wrenching sobbing. I'm sure Tom, my next door neighbor, thought I was dying or something... It wasn't pretty.) I've only ever broken this way one time before, when I was seventeen, working in a factory, and a girl on the line I was controlling the speed on, seemed to have some sort of emotional meltdown. I blamed myself for it at the time, because of the speed I was moving the equipment. Thankfully, I had my Father there to console me.
I called Norm, deciding to try to distract myself. And because he always makes me feel good inside. He did a good job. He got me laughing, and relaxed, and definitely proved his merit as a friend. Not that he had to... But I'm eternally grateful. He might not have known exactly what was going on, and thought of it as a regular, run of the mill phone call, but truthfully, he was the person I thought of when I knew that everyone else would ask too many questions, and he would just chat me up and make me smile and blush. A very worthy conversation in my humble opinion.
Thank-you Norm.
The doctor prescribed me some anti-depressant pills, and also wrote me off of work for a month. They'll get rid of the majority of the depression I've been feeling, and they'll also kill my sex drive.
Quite frankly, maybe that's something I need as well.
One month away from all the bullshit. One month to gather my thoughts, and find myself a little more as a person, and the last two weeks of it are going to be creating an updated resume and finding myself a new choice of occupation. Honestly, I don't get paid enough to deal with the garbage that floats around my work.
I'm not a weak person, but everyone is weak sometimes. Lately everything has been eating away at the foundations underneath me (Not in a good way.) and has left me tottering on the brink. Between sanity and insanity, or maybe just leaving me with the feeling of a complete lack of control with my situation. Being a control freak, that is pushing me past my limits. I'm trying to take Dave's advice and just "Let it go." but it's so damned hard.
My memory is shoddy lately, My hands are shaking... Most of the time just a small tremble. However, that is what is scaring me the most. It's never affected me physically like this. Ever. I can't get a full solid night's sleep anymore, I get overwhelmed with anxiety, and I'm taking my frustration out on people that don't deserve it.
My apologies. Seriously. I don't like who I am right now either.
I miss being the person that looked approachable, instead of this woman with a gruff hard exterior, the bravado and bluster hiding this wounded inner being. The last time I felt "happy" was at Spain's fireworks display with Ryan, where I teased the firemen walking about before the show started, sang the "Hari Krishna" tune (you would have to hear it to understand what I'm talking about...) that he and I made up and always jokingly sing when they parade through like so many diapered, salmon-pink clad clowns, and the sight of those huge, shimmering, golden explosions in the sky were so beautiful that I actually had tears in my eyes. Granted, that was only a week and a half ago, but I think someone should be happy more than once in three months.
I really have a hard time having my instability so damned visible to everyone else. So visible that my Boss sees it, and chooses to exploit it.
On another note.
My condolences go out to Devin. We've been through some seriously rough times, but he recently lost a dear family member. As angry as I am over him treating me unfairly, and not giving me closure, he deserves some sympathy over this.
He could even get angry with me, for doing this, but you know what? To hell with it. I'm not doing this to disrespect Darla. I'm doing this to show my respects for someone that led a long life and that obviously meant something to someone that I care about. I would do it for anyone I know. I've been angry with him for weeks, and I have respect for him even if he can't show me the respect that I deserve. I still love him in my own way. I miss him terribly as a friend. If that makes me a fool, or a masochist. Whatever. I don't care anymore. I never really forget the people I loved.
I'm sorry for your loss Devin. I've been in your shoes regarding my grandfather. I still miss him, and it pains me to know that I have a hard time remembering his face and voice now.
In Memorium
Darla Raye Thompson
1929 - 2004
1 comment:
Chiquita, I had no idea you were in such a bad way, I'm sorry. I am really glad you are getting a chance to clear your head and resolve some issues that are plaguing you. Please try to remember the words of Stuart Smalley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" This should be your mantra because it's all true! Love you!
Post a Comment