The sight of a five or six-year-old carrying a toy gun... So unsettling?
I guess it's the pacifist in me. Wars should be with words, not weapons.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
"Yeah! Sure I can work this Sun... D'oh!"
Crap, crap, crap!
I had made the rather shaky decision to go audition for Canadian Idol this Sunday, which is usually a scheduled day off for me.
Lo and behold, Miss "short-term-memory-like-a-sieve"... I forgot that I'd made the decision to audition, and when my boss asked me to work this Sunday, I agreed... Mainly because I needed to get back to full time hours at my day job, and I wanted to get on his good side to ensure it.
Five seconds after he told my co-workers to take the weekend off, I remembered. My brain went *click* and I almost physically smacked my forehead with my hand.
Well, fuck... It figures. Oh well, I've still got 2 years to audition. My mom will have to forgive me for not making it this year... Again. She's been on my case for 3 years now to go audition.
Whoops. Sorry Mom.
I've been trying to break into the local massage business in Vancouver. Unfortunately, business has been retardedly slow, and because I refuse to give a "release" at the end of my massage sessions, it's been even slower. One would think the words "non-sexual" would indicate that it would be a non sexual massage. It's not like I'm being covert about it in the ad, or on the phone.
Ah well. Such is life.
I think, I sabotage myself sometimes. Inadvertently, and on purpose. This has to stop. I wonder if it's because I'm comfortable in my miserable little rut, and am scared of change, or if it's because I'm messed in the head.
I think it's a mixture of both. Bugger.
I had made the rather shaky decision to go audition for Canadian Idol this Sunday, which is usually a scheduled day off for me.
Lo and behold, Miss "short-term-memory-like-a-sieve"... I forgot that I'd made the decision to audition, and when my boss asked me to work this Sunday, I agreed... Mainly because I needed to get back to full time hours at my day job, and I wanted to get on his good side to ensure it.
Five seconds after he told my co-workers to take the weekend off, I remembered. My brain went *click* and I almost physically smacked my forehead with my hand.
Well, fuck... It figures. Oh well, I've still got 2 years to audition. My mom will have to forgive me for not making it this year... Again. She's been on my case for 3 years now to go audition.
Whoops. Sorry Mom.
I've been trying to break into the local massage business in Vancouver. Unfortunately, business has been retardedly slow, and because I refuse to give a "release" at the end of my massage sessions, it's been even slower. One would think the words "non-sexual" would indicate that it would be a non sexual massage. It's not like I'm being covert about it in the ad, or on the phone.
Ah well. Such is life.
I think, I sabotage myself sometimes. Inadvertently, and on purpose. This has to stop. I wonder if it's because I'm comfortable in my miserable little rut, and am scared of change, or if it's because I'm messed in the head.
I think it's a mixture of both. Bugger.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Seven Songs...
Borrowed from Shatnerian, even though he didn't tag me.
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they are any good, but they must be songs you are really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they are listening to.
"Use Me" - Fiona Apple (live) - It's rare that I download songs off of the net, but when it comes to finding rare Fiona Apple tunes, I'll sink low enough. This is a cover of a Bill Withers tune, and Oh my god, it's so funky, it's got a great beat, fantastic lyrics and her raw vocals, the crowd whistling, clapping and cheering in the background give it a great atmosphere.
"Tired Of Being Alone" - Al Green - Al Green has a marvellous and unique voice with a phenomenal range. I can empathize with the lyrics in this song, more than I care to admit. The horns, background vocals, and simple, unimposing melody make this a great soul song.
"Lovers In A Dangerous Time" - Barenaked Ladies - I'm not very patriotic, but this song is classic Canadiana. I mean seriously... There's NOTHING more Canadian sounding than this song. It's right up there with Great Big Sea, and The Crash Test Dummies. I love the beauty of the lyrics, and the percussion in the song reminds me of a train. This song makes me ridiculously happy and relaxed.
"Sure Shot" - Beastie Boys- The three Jewish rappers from NYC pop out with this kickass song on their album "Ill Communication" and it's a fucking gem. I love Love LOVE the simple flute sample repeating in the background.
"Only" - Nine Inch Nails - Angsty, "I don't give a fuck what you think" lyrics, about how he's getting more mellow as he gets older and how "There is no-fucking-you... There is only me." as the time goes by. Hmm. Now... where's Chris Strange when I need him. *winks* I got this album (With Teeth) for Christmas from the 'Rents. Plus the vid has a Mac in it. How can a mac nerd like me resist?
"Chicago" - Sufjan Stevens - Damn you Dean, for making me like this artist. Sufjan has a goal to create an album for every state in the US. I think he's done 4 or 5, so far. His unique folk voice is reminiscent of Paul Simon, from Simon and Garfunkle, and I love how beautifully he sings.
"Your Song (Tim Love Lee semi bearded mix)" - Groove Armada - Dreamy ambient electronica, which samples from 1940s and 50s vocals, as well as having drowsy muted trumpet. This is from the album "The Chillout Guide" and is great for when I give massages. It's actually in my iTunes playlist for my massage hour long sessions.
I honestly don't feel like tagging people. If you want to do this, go right the heck on ahead. Just leave me a buzz in the comments box if you do, so I can get some new tunes under my belt.
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they are any good, but they must be songs you are really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they are listening to.
"Use Me" - Fiona Apple (live) - It's rare that I download songs off of the net, but when it comes to finding rare Fiona Apple tunes, I'll sink low enough. This is a cover of a Bill Withers tune, and Oh my god, it's so funky, it's got a great beat, fantastic lyrics and her raw vocals, the crowd whistling, clapping and cheering in the background give it a great atmosphere.
"Tired Of Being Alone" - Al Green - Al Green has a marvellous and unique voice with a phenomenal range. I can empathize with the lyrics in this song, more than I care to admit. The horns, background vocals, and simple, unimposing melody make this a great soul song.
"Lovers In A Dangerous Time" - Barenaked Ladies - I'm not very patriotic, but this song is classic Canadiana. I mean seriously... There's NOTHING more Canadian sounding than this song. It's right up there with Great Big Sea, and The Crash Test Dummies. I love the beauty of the lyrics, and the percussion in the song reminds me of a train. This song makes me ridiculously happy and relaxed.
"Sure Shot" - Beastie Boys- The three Jewish rappers from NYC pop out with this kickass song on their album "Ill Communication" and it's a fucking gem. I love Love LOVE the simple flute sample repeating in the background.
"Only" - Nine Inch Nails - Angsty, "I don't give a fuck what you think" lyrics, about how he's getting more mellow as he gets older and how "There is no-fucking-you... There is only me." as the time goes by. Hmm. Now... where's Chris Strange when I need him. *winks* I got this album (With Teeth) for Christmas from the 'Rents. Plus the vid has a Mac in it. How can a mac nerd like me resist?
"Chicago" - Sufjan Stevens - Damn you Dean, for making me like this artist. Sufjan has a goal to create an album for every state in the US. I think he's done 4 or 5, so far. His unique folk voice is reminiscent of Paul Simon, from Simon and Garfunkle, and I love how beautifully he sings.
"Your Song (Tim Love Lee semi bearded mix)" - Groove Armada - Dreamy ambient electronica, which samples from 1940s and 50s vocals, as well as having drowsy muted trumpet. This is from the album "The Chillout Guide" and is great for when I give massages. It's actually in my iTunes playlist for my massage hour long sessions.
I honestly don't feel like tagging people. If you want to do this, go right the heck on ahead. Just leave me a buzz in the comments box if you do, so I can get some new tunes under my belt.
Sara's Questions
1. What time is it? 3:35pm
2. What is your Full name: Lindsey Jacqueline Marie LeBlanc
3. What are you most afraid of: Moths, Sometimes being alone in the dark, Ghost stories.
4. What is the most recent movie that you've seen in a theatre: Corpse Bride
5. Have you ever seen a ghost? No, I don't think so. but I have felt some pretty malicious presences at both a friends house, and in my Grandmother's house late at night.
6. Where were you born? Burnaby, British Columbia
7. Favourite food? Butter Chicken Curry, Dark Bittersweet Chocolate, Coffee.
8. Ever been to Alaska: Nope.
9. Ever been toilet paper rolling: Yep. I've also gone "egging".
10. Loved someone so much it made you cry? Too often to mention.
11. Been in a car accident: Yes, with my dad.
12. Croutons or bacon bits: Bacon bits. Croutons are just stale bread rolled in herbs.
13. Favourite day of the week: Saturday
14. Favourite Restaurant: Earls, and Curry Express.
15. Favourite Flower: Lilies.
16. Favourite sport to watch: Soccer, and men's beach volleyball.
17. Favourite Drink: Coca Cola, a Coconut or Vanilla Latté, and Nestle or Dasini flavoured water.
18 Favourite ice cream: Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Or just plain french vanilla.
19. Disney or Warner Brothers: Warner Bros. Actually, I'm pro the Bugs Bunny all the way.
20. Favourite fast food restaurant: Curry Express.
21. How many times you failed your driver's test? Never, since I've never taken it.
22. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email: Astrology.com, with my daily horoscope.
23. What do you do most often when you are bored: Sleep, Chat online if I'm near a net connx, Read, or ocassionally watch a movie.
24. Bedtime: between 11:30 pm - 1:30 am
25. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest: Zeez is not zee emaillllll.
26. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Since about three people have me as a friend on LJ, whoever hasn't filled this out.
28. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses??? Anyone that wants to fill it out.
29. Favourite TV shows: Corner Gas, The Simpsons, The Daily Show, South Park, and Dead like Me. But considering I haven't really watched TV in approximately a year and a half via independent means, this question is relatively moot.
30. Ford or Chevy: Ford.
31. What are you listening to right now: Lover's In a Dangerous Time by the Barenaked Ladies. It's one of my favourite, most relaxing songs. It also sounds ridiculously Canadian.
32. What are your favourite colours: Orange, electric blue, Charcoal and dove Grey.
33. How many tattoos do you have? Nine. Three Dragons, Five Kanji Symbols and one lone gecko on my right ankle.
34. How many pets do you have?My parents have my cats, Bob, the bobtail, and Buddy, the cat that looks like he swallowed a balloon.
35. Which came first the chicken or the egg? A lizard resembling a chicken. Duh.
36. What would you like to accomplish before you die? This is a hard question. Have a child. Have a sucessful design business... Marry rich. I'm kidding. Okay. Only sorta.
2. What is your Full name: Lindsey Jacqueline Marie LeBlanc
3. What are you most afraid of: Moths, Sometimes being alone in the dark, Ghost stories.
4. What is the most recent movie that you've seen in a theatre: Corpse Bride
5. Have you ever seen a ghost? No, I don't think so. but I have felt some pretty malicious presences at both a friends house, and in my Grandmother's house late at night.
6. Where were you born? Burnaby, British Columbia
7. Favourite food? Butter Chicken Curry, Dark Bittersweet Chocolate, Coffee.
8. Ever been to Alaska: Nope.
9. Ever been toilet paper rolling: Yep. I've also gone "egging".
10. Loved someone so much it made you cry? Too often to mention.
11. Been in a car accident: Yes, with my dad.
12. Croutons or bacon bits: Bacon bits. Croutons are just stale bread rolled in herbs.
13. Favourite day of the week: Saturday
14. Favourite Restaurant: Earls, and Curry Express.
15. Favourite Flower: Lilies.
16. Favourite sport to watch: Soccer, and men's beach volleyball.
17. Favourite Drink: Coca Cola, a Coconut or Vanilla Latté, and Nestle or Dasini flavoured water.
18 Favourite ice cream: Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Or just plain french vanilla.
19. Disney or Warner Brothers: Warner Bros. Actually, I'm pro the Bugs Bunny all the way.
20. Favourite fast food restaurant: Curry Express.
21. How many times you failed your driver's test? Never, since I've never taken it.
22. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email: Astrology.com, with my daily horoscope.
23. What do you do most often when you are bored: Sleep, Chat online if I'm near a net connx, Read, or ocassionally watch a movie.
24. Bedtime: between 11:30 pm - 1:30 am
25. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest: Zeez is not zee emaillllll.
26. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Since about three people have me as a friend on LJ, whoever hasn't filled this out.
28. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses??? Anyone that wants to fill it out.
29. Favourite TV shows: Corner Gas, The Simpsons, The Daily Show, South Park, and Dead like Me. But considering I haven't really watched TV in approximately a year and a half via independent means, this question is relatively moot.
30. Ford or Chevy: Ford.
31. What are you listening to right now: Lover's In a Dangerous Time by the Barenaked Ladies. It's one of my favourite, most relaxing songs. It also sounds ridiculously Canadian.
32. What are your favourite colours: Orange, electric blue, Charcoal and dove Grey.
33. How many tattoos do you have? Nine. Three Dragons, Five Kanji Symbols and one lone gecko on my right ankle.
34. How many pets do you have?My parents have my cats, Bob, the bobtail, and Buddy, the cat that looks like he swallowed a balloon.
35. Which came first the chicken or the egg? A lizard resembling a chicken. Duh.
36. What would you like to accomplish before you die? This is a hard question. Have a child. Have a sucessful design business... Marry rich. I'm kidding. Okay. Only sorta.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Tick, tick, tick....
Ergh. The biological clock is ticking.
Loudly. So loudly it's making it hard to sleep at night. It's making me restless. It's making me confused.
It's just fucking annoying, is what it is.
Currently, I'm 25 years old... I'll be 26 on the first of May. (which is a Monday, come to think of it.)
See, when my mom was 21, she'd already had me, and my deceased twin sis, as well as having my half brother when she was 16, whom I've never met, because she gave him up for adoption.
He turned 30 this year. It kind of freaks me out that I date the guys that are the same age as my half-brother.
My mom has started asking me the dreaded "When am I going to get a Grandchild?" question. My response? "I love you to death, but don't even START with me on that one, Mom."
But, when I look at a baby, I think, "Aw. I want one." Is that even close to rational thinking on my part? Probably not.
And truthfully?
Yeah, I probably DO want a kid. Singular. Child. Ein. Uno. одно. Un. One.
Though, from experience, I know it sucks to not have any siblings. I mean, there's no one to blame anything on but yourself, if you end up breaking something in the house. There's no squabbles, or midnight giggle sessions, or having someone to beat up. It's particularly hard if there aren't many kids in your neighborhood, as well... Books become fast friends. I'm kind of used to being alone.
With my luck, and my genetics, I'd get two for the price of one. But, that would involve birthing, and as much as I like practicing, and as classy as this sounds, I don't wanna ruin my cooch... Ya know?
Selfish, isn't it?
It's more than that, though. It's the fact that I'm not stable enough financially, or have a solid enough relationship to have a child raised in a happy, loving, household. I'm neurotic. I'm paranoid. I work for 8 bucks an hour. I'm alone.
I want someone that will love me, FOR ME, first... And then involve additional team players. (Though I'm most certainly not producing enough progeny to equip a hockey team.) At the moment there's not enough "men" on the ice. Though, that's my fault for not letting anyone else on the ice to play.
Though, when I do, they always end up in the penalty box before long.
My friend Jeremy was on my case, for refusing to date, saying "You never know when you could meet someone! It could be that guy that smiles at you in the supermarket aisle." Sure... But this isn't a movie, babe.
Murray said, that I should go to church to find a guy. All I could do was laugh.
I know I'm not going to find "Him" in the bar. I know I'm probably not going to find "Him" online. I know I'm not going to find "Him" in the supermarket aisles, or in the church aisles, for that matter. And I'm not looking.
Why is choosing to be single, like declaring yourself anaethema from society? Why is it saying that you're "Happily single and not looking" like admitting there's something wrong with you? There's nothing wrong with me. It's just not the right time.
And there's nothing wrong with that, either.
Loneliness, is finding despair in being alone. Solitude, is finding the joy of it.
And for me? Yeah, of course I get lonely, but it never lasts for long.
Loudly. So loudly it's making it hard to sleep at night. It's making me restless. It's making me confused.
It's just fucking annoying, is what it is.
Currently, I'm 25 years old... I'll be 26 on the first of May. (which is a Monday, come to think of it.)
See, when my mom was 21, she'd already had me, and my deceased twin sis, as well as having my half brother when she was 16, whom I've never met, because she gave him up for adoption.
He turned 30 this year. It kind of freaks me out that I date the guys that are the same age as my half-brother.
My mom has started asking me the dreaded "When am I going to get a Grandchild?" question. My response? "I love you to death, but don't even START with me on that one, Mom."
But, when I look at a baby, I think, "Aw. I want one." Is that even close to rational thinking on my part? Probably not.
And truthfully?
Yeah, I probably DO want a kid. Singular. Child. Ein. Uno. одно. Un. One.
Though, from experience, I know it sucks to not have any siblings. I mean, there's no one to blame anything on but yourself, if you end up breaking something in the house. There's no squabbles, or midnight giggle sessions, or having someone to beat up. It's particularly hard if there aren't many kids in your neighborhood, as well... Books become fast friends. I'm kind of used to being alone.
With my luck, and my genetics, I'd get two for the price of one. But, that would involve birthing, and as much as I like practicing, and as classy as this sounds, I don't wanna ruin my cooch... Ya know?
Selfish, isn't it?
It's more than that, though. It's the fact that I'm not stable enough financially, or have a solid enough relationship to have a child raised in a happy, loving, household. I'm neurotic. I'm paranoid. I work for 8 bucks an hour. I'm alone.
I want someone that will love me, FOR ME, first... And then involve additional team players. (Though I'm most certainly not producing enough progeny to equip a hockey team.) At the moment there's not enough "men" on the ice. Though, that's my fault for not letting anyone else on the ice to play.
Though, when I do, they always end up in the penalty box before long.
My friend Jeremy was on my case, for refusing to date, saying "You never know when you could meet someone! It could be that guy that smiles at you in the supermarket aisle." Sure... But this isn't a movie, babe.
Murray said, that I should go to church to find a guy. All I could do was laugh.
I know I'm not going to find "Him" in the bar. I know I'm probably not going to find "Him" online. I know I'm not going to find "Him" in the supermarket aisles, or in the church aisles, for that matter. And I'm not looking.
Why is choosing to be single, like declaring yourself anaethema from society? Why is it saying that you're "Happily single and not looking" like admitting there's something wrong with you? There's nothing wrong with me. It's just not the right time.
And there's nothing wrong with that, either.
Loneliness, is finding despair in being alone. Solitude, is finding the joy of it.
And for me? Yeah, of course I get lonely, but it never lasts for long.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
"Home" Page Renovation.
Every few months I get tired of staring at the same banner on my page, and I get tired of the same colours for my text and my links. It's a designer thing, and something I can't quite kick the habit of changing about.
So, for the next few months, you guys are going to have to get used to my eyes staring you in the face. I hope you don't mind.
Speaking of the eyes in that banner, yes they are mine, and NO they are not a photograph. That is original artwork, and the only reason why it looks like my eyes is because I used a photograph to get the dimensions and aspect ratio correct.
Also, I've decided to remove my picture from the sidebar there. it's not that difficult if you *MUST* know what I look at to browse my flickr.com photographs.
So here's to another new look for Glamazon Shoe Diaries. *raises her glass* Salut!
Ciao...
Linds.
So, for the next few months, you guys are going to have to get used to my eyes staring you in the face. I hope you don't mind.
Speaking of the eyes in that banner, yes they are mine, and NO they are not a photograph. That is original artwork, and the only reason why it looks like my eyes is because I used a photograph to get the dimensions and aspect ratio correct.
Also, I've decided to remove my picture from the sidebar there. it's not that difficult if you *MUST* know what I look at to browse my flickr.com photographs.
So here's to another new look for Glamazon Shoe Diaries. *raises her glass* Salut!
Ciao...
Linds.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Deco City
This was created for print, to be sent to my friend, Dean, in New York City, and who I love dearly.
Dean was my virtual Valentine this year.
When I was in New York, working for a publishing house, I fell in love with the city. As I've written in GSD before, I still miss it, to this day, and crave the pizza I had in the Italian District of Manhattan with a passion sometimes.
When I studied the History of Design in school, I fell in love with Art Deco style artwork.
This is a commingling of the two, bringing a modern twist to Art Deco, with it's mixture of angled rays, straight lines, the waves of the water and the solid shades of complimentary colours.
Some critics have called this my best piece to date, but honestly, it was designed to cheer up a friend that needs a "hug", when I'm too far away to provide one physically. I guess having a good goal in mind creates exceptional art, and making Dean smile is always a good goal to have. It's a reminder that there's always someone in everyone's life that makes things brighter, no matter how dark it may seem now.
So, my dearest Neurotic Monkey, from one watery coast to another, even though yours is under 2 and a half feet of snow at the moment, this is for you, with love from me.
It'll be in the mail within the next month.
Dean was my virtual Valentine this year.
When I was in New York, working for a publishing house, I fell in love with the city. As I've written in GSD before, I still miss it, to this day, and crave the pizza I had in the Italian District of Manhattan with a passion sometimes.
When I studied the History of Design in school, I fell in love with Art Deco style artwork.
This is a commingling of the two, bringing a modern twist to Art Deco, with it's mixture of angled rays, straight lines, the waves of the water and the solid shades of complimentary colours.
Some critics have called this my best piece to date, but honestly, it was designed to cheer up a friend that needs a "hug", when I'm too far away to provide one physically. I guess having a good goal in mind creates exceptional art, and making Dean smile is always a good goal to have. It's a reminder that there's always someone in everyone's life that makes things brighter, no matter how dark it may seem now.
So, my dearest Neurotic Monkey, from one watery coast to another, even though yours is under 2 and a half feet of snow at the moment, this is for you, with love from me.
It'll be in the mail within the next month.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Oh, Dr. Maynard.
I suppose this serves me right for not reading your site as often as I should.
Apparently this article by my dear Dr. Maynard at NewsBlog 5000 got read aloud on Art Bell's radio show last night. To approximately 100 thousand listeners across the United States.
Jeebus.
All this from a paragraph and a half on disfunctional electronic bits and supposed paranormal activity.
Though, it is a damned funny article. I think the line on the Sprint cardboard cutout with the blood tears staining the carpet is the best part.
Apparently this article by my dear Dr. Maynard at NewsBlog 5000 got read aloud on Art Bell's radio show last night. To approximately 100 thousand listeners across the United States.
Jeebus.
All this from a paragraph and a half on disfunctional electronic bits and supposed paranormal activity.
Though, it is a damned funny article. I think the line on the Sprint cardboard cutout with the blood tears staining the carpet is the best part.
Well, damn.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: I'm pissed right off at my room mate, who ever since he ran into his "sister" (who is actually one of his best friends) She's a stripper, she's known him for years. He has this totally fraternal relationship with, and he's become a bit of a dick to me.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: why do I fall for the older men that won't love me?
jerilynk75: because you are like me.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: *sighs*
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: I knew he had a bad side, too.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: and ignored it.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: and you know what, I totally fell in love with him a little.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: ok. More than a little
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: but I was so CASUAL about it.
jerilynk75: I know, I know.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: *grumbles*
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: it wasn't like Devin where I went all gung-ho.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: it was this subtle, insidious love
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: And it snuck up on me and slapped me in the head one day.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: Its just, well fuck, he was so sweet to me. All the time. It was hard not to fall for someone so charismatic.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: he respected me.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: he's good looking.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: He calls me his best friend.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: Fuck.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: Fucking Valentines Day should be outlawed.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: It gives us all ideas.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: why do I fall for the older men that won't love me?
jerilynk75: because you are like me.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: *sighs*
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: I knew he had a bad side, too.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: and ignored it.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: and you know what, I totally fell in love with him a little.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: ok. More than a little
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: but I was so CASUAL about it.
jerilynk75: I know, I know.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: *grumbles*
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: it wasn't like Devin where I went all gung-ho.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: it was this subtle, insidious love
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: And it snuck up on me and slapped me in the head one day.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: Its just, well fuck, he was so sweet to me. All the time. It was hard not to fall for someone so charismatic.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: he respected me.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: he's good looking.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: He calls me his best friend.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: Fuck.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: Fucking Valentines Day should be outlawed.
TheDuchessOfDocktrash: It gives us all ideas.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Force of Habit.
Wholeheartedly stolen from the ever so delectable Daniel from Don't Feed The Monkeys, and then ad-libbed by myself.
I have bad habits, and things I don't like to admit about myself. Not your typical bad habits, stupid ones, like the fact that I smoke, curse a lot, or that I bite my nails, but we're delving deeper, Deeeeeper, twirling, twirling into the abyss that is my psyche.
Bring a flashlight.
1. It takes a lot to get me angry. It takes persistant, and relentless pushing to get me to snap. That being said, when I get pushed too far, I am the equivalent of the bull in a china shop. When I'm irritable, I have absolutely poisonous thoughts. Ones that scare me. I rage in my head. I'm sure if you looked at me closely enough when I was in that sort of mood, I'd have red eyes.
Granted, since I've started working on my New Years Resolution, to learn how to relax, this is becoming less and less an issue. Of course, I'd never actually ACT upon those thoughts, but the fact that they're there freaks me out a little.
2. I'm a gigantic tease. I love the lure and the chase. I love to flirt and to be flirted with. I don't necessarily want it to go beyond the flirt, though. Unfortunately for some of the male counterparts that are involved.
3. I get depressed easily. Sometimes it seems like fate (or whatever you choose to believe in) lets me get a few feet up, and then slaps me down laughing. That's okay though. I've learned, that you can't let things get you down for too long, and it's gone from me moping about my situation for a few days, to getting over it within the hour.
I have bad habits, and things I don't like to admit about myself. Not your typical bad habits, stupid ones, like the fact that I smoke, curse a lot, or that I bite my nails, but we're delving deeper, Deeeeeper, twirling, twirling into the abyss that is my psyche.
Bring a flashlight.
1. It takes a lot to get me angry. It takes persistant, and relentless pushing to get me to snap. That being said, when I get pushed too far, I am the equivalent of the bull in a china shop. When I'm irritable, I have absolutely poisonous thoughts. Ones that scare me. I rage in my head. I'm sure if you looked at me closely enough when I was in that sort of mood, I'd have red eyes.
Granted, since I've started working on my New Years Resolution, to learn how to relax, this is becoming less and less an issue. Of course, I'd never actually ACT upon those thoughts, but the fact that they're there freaks me out a little.
2. I'm a gigantic tease. I love the lure and the chase. I love to flirt and to be flirted with. I don't necessarily want it to go beyond the flirt, though. Unfortunately for some of the male counterparts that are involved.
3. I get depressed easily. Sometimes it seems like fate (or whatever you choose to believe in) lets me get a few feet up, and then slaps me down laughing. That's okay though. I've learned, that you can't let things get you down for too long, and it's gone from me moping about my situation for a few days, to getting over it within the hour.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Okiedokies.
In the immortal, and oh so wise words of my dear friend, Seanly, I'm commingling my own, and his together... I'm making this blanket statement.
I'm putting my foot down. No more dating. For at least a year.
No more static and white noise fucking with my own progress. No more having people falling in "love" with me after a month, or a week, or a day, or whatever it seems to fucking take now, because the time that it seems to take to fall in "love" with me, is gradually getting shorter in length. I don't believe in love at first sight. I don't believe in love at first week, or even first month... Not anymore. To me, that's a little girl's fantasy.
I was told that I'm "perfect"... Excuse me, but what the fuck?! I'm perfect after one day? Get a fuckin' grip!!! I call you on that delusional, and raise you a freaky-deaky, bad-naughty-wrong vibes. *tosses in her chips* I don't want to discuss if I want children on the first date. No! Bad date! Bad! I don't want to discuss marriage, or even *Think* about it. No. No No no no NO.
Yes, mention these things, and watch me RUN the other direction. Oh, 'cause I can sprint, when I get enough momentum behind me. I might be fat, but the laws of physics decry that momentum equals mass times velocity. Therefore, my fat ass is going to propel me MUCH further than you think when I hustle.
Get me offa this pedestal, I hate heights. I'm not on my high horse. I'm not "being nasty to me." I'm being honest to me. I'm being honest to everyone.
At this moment in my life, the last, last, *LAST* thing I want is a relationship. And even one date, nowadays apparently equals "Insta-Girlfriend." At least, it seems to, for the guys I seem to attract. No thank-you veddy much.
Insta Girlfriend! Just add water! What am I, Sea Monkeys? Trust me, I don't follow a little flashlight around. I don't do well captive in a little aquarium, either. I might not see the walls, but I know they're there.
Just pop in the microwave, only three seconds later, Poof! Insta-Girlfriend. New and Improved! Now with less paranoia!
No. Fuckin'. Way.
I've got baggage galore, and I don't need anyone else to fill up my overhead compartment. Thanks.
You want honesty? I haven't been able to have an orgasm, from de rigeur stimulation, (that has always worked in previous situations) in ages. Oh sure, I can do it myself, but from other people? No dice.
You want another truth? Sure, why not while I'm at it. I don't want sex. Oh sure, my body tells me I want it, (pretty badly sometimes, to be honest.) But you know what? My mind is saying "No fuckin' thanks." I get there, I'm getting close to getting it on, I'm usually not clothed very much, and my brain goes Yes, yes yes yesyesyes! Uhm. wait..... Nah. Thanks, but I'll pass.
More honesty? I hate people. I hate the drama. I hate the bullshit. I keep my close friends, close, and fuck the rest. No offense, but it's true. I'm shedding people that end up damaging how I'm trying to redevelop, like a snake sheds it's skin. The people I approach, the people I openly communicate with, guess what, I like you. Consider yourself rare. Blue steak, rare. Ming vase, rare. 17 year-old virgin in Surrey, rare.
I hate the obligations put upon me by anything other than what I've willingly accepted. I refuse to deal with the people, or whatever, that try to push their own morals, obligations, or emotive opinions upon me. I hate human beings, and I love them and crave companionship at the same time. People will backpedal, cheat, and steal; they will lie right to your fucking face in order to get what they want. People will make snide commentary, in order to make themselves look better. I don't look any better from this. I look... Human.... I guess.
*Wailing... confused*
Aaaach! Fuck off. Don't pressure me! Do I wanna talk about it, for any wannabe shrinks out there, who will offer countless advice, trying to "Fix" me? Hell no! I'm not broken. Or at least, I'm not broken in a way that I want *you* to fix.
This helps me. I want to rant occasionally. I want to feel satisfied expressing myself, and not worry what the hell everyone else thinks about me. Yeah, I'm a little nuts. Yeah, I don't care what you think. Or Yeah, I'm just really good at telling myself that.
Yeah, I'm scared about my future. Yeah I'm lonely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.... Fear, loneliness, terror, unknowing, abyss. Fuck it. It doesn't matter. day by day by day, baby, or else I'm going to need that padded room and the Oh-So-Cozy Straight Jacket.
I'm trying. I'm fighting for me.
Another truth, here. I'd rather cuddle up on the couch with my room-mate eating ice cream and making fun of each other and the stupid "boy" war movie we're watching, than bring another male into the fold that ends up just getting hurt by me and my indecision. Why? Well, my roomie doesn't expect things of me. My roomie doesn't let me push him around (much). My roomie calls me his best friend, and I'm honoured, because I never expected that. Being his best friend is all I choose to be, sometimes much to my frustration, but I chose that frustration, and I accept it.
And another truth. I'd rather be wanted because I'm me, than because I'm the first girl that was "Ok" and acceptable, because they were tired of playing the hustler, or the playa, or being lonely. I don't wanna be that insta-Girlfriend. I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. I can't say it enough.
I'm looking forward to getting drunk by myself on a half of a mini-mickey of cinnamon whisky on Valentine's day. It's happened every other year for the past three. I'm used to it by now.
What do I want? Peace of mind. Clarity. Calm. Solitude.
I'm putting my foot down. No more dating. For at least a year.
No more static and white noise fucking with my own progress. No more having people falling in "love" with me after a month, or a week, or a day, or whatever it seems to fucking take now, because the time that it seems to take to fall in "love" with me, is gradually getting shorter in length. I don't believe in love at first sight. I don't believe in love at first week, or even first month... Not anymore. To me, that's a little girl's fantasy.
I was told that I'm "perfect"... Excuse me, but what the fuck?! I'm perfect after one day? Get a fuckin' grip!!! I call you on that delusional, and raise you a freaky-deaky, bad-naughty-wrong vibes. *tosses in her chips* I don't want to discuss if I want children on the first date. No! Bad date! Bad! I don't want to discuss marriage, or even *Think* about it. No. No No no no NO.
Yes, mention these things, and watch me RUN the other direction. Oh, 'cause I can sprint, when I get enough momentum behind me. I might be fat, but the laws of physics decry that momentum equals mass times velocity. Therefore, my fat ass is going to propel me MUCH further than you think when I hustle.
Get me offa this pedestal, I hate heights. I'm not on my high horse. I'm not "being nasty to me." I'm being honest to me. I'm being honest to everyone.
At this moment in my life, the last, last, *LAST* thing I want is a relationship. And even one date, nowadays apparently equals "Insta-Girlfriend." At least, it seems to, for the guys I seem to attract. No thank-you veddy much.
Insta Girlfriend! Just add water! What am I, Sea Monkeys? Trust me, I don't follow a little flashlight around. I don't do well captive in a little aquarium, either. I might not see the walls, but I know they're there.
Just pop in the microwave, only three seconds later, Poof! Insta-Girlfriend. New and Improved! Now with less paranoia!
No. Fuckin'. Way.
I've got baggage galore, and I don't need anyone else to fill up my overhead compartment. Thanks.
You want honesty? I haven't been able to have an orgasm, from de rigeur stimulation, (that has always worked in previous situations) in ages. Oh sure, I can do it myself, but from other people? No dice.
You want another truth? Sure, why not while I'm at it. I don't want sex. Oh sure, my body tells me I want it, (pretty badly sometimes, to be honest.) But you know what? My mind is saying "No fuckin' thanks." I get there, I'm getting close to getting it on, I'm usually not clothed very much, and my brain goes Yes, yes yes yesyesyes! Uhm. wait..... Nah. Thanks, but I'll pass.
More honesty? I hate people. I hate the drama. I hate the bullshit. I keep my close friends, close, and fuck the rest. No offense, but it's true. I'm shedding people that end up damaging how I'm trying to redevelop, like a snake sheds it's skin. The people I approach, the people I openly communicate with, guess what, I like you. Consider yourself rare. Blue steak, rare. Ming vase, rare. 17 year-old virgin in Surrey, rare.
I hate the obligations put upon me by anything other than what I've willingly accepted. I refuse to deal with the people, or whatever, that try to push their own morals, obligations, or emotive opinions upon me. I hate human beings, and I love them and crave companionship at the same time. People will backpedal, cheat, and steal; they will lie right to your fucking face in order to get what they want. People will make snide commentary, in order to make themselves look better. I don't look any better from this. I look... Human.... I guess.
*Wailing... confused*
Aaaach! Fuck off. Don't pressure me! Do I wanna talk about it, for any wannabe shrinks out there, who will offer countless advice, trying to "Fix" me? Hell no! I'm not broken. Or at least, I'm not broken in a way that I want *you* to fix.
This helps me. I want to rant occasionally. I want to feel satisfied expressing myself, and not worry what the hell everyone else thinks about me. Yeah, I'm a little nuts. Yeah, I don't care what you think. Or Yeah, I'm just really good at telling myself that.
Yeah, I'm scared about my future. Yeah I'm lonely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.... Fear, loneliness, terror, unknowing, abyss. Fuck it. It doesn't matter. day by day by day, baby, or else I'm going to need that padded room and the Oh-So-Cozy Straight Jacket.
I'm trying. I'm fighting for me.
Another truth, here. I'd rather cuddle up on the couch with my room-mate eating ice cream and making fun of each other and the stupid "boy" war movie we're watching, than bring another male into the fold that ends up just getting hurt by me and my indecision. Why? Well, my roomie doesn't expect things of me. My roomie doesn't let me push him around (much). My roomie calls me his best friend, and I'm honoured, because I never expected that. Being his best friend is all I choose to be, sometimes much to my frustration, but I chose that frustration, and I accept it.
And another truth. I'd rather be wanted because I'm me, than because I'm the first girl that was "Ok" and acceptable, because they were tired of playing the hustler, or the playa, or being lonely. I don't wanna be that insta-Girlfriend. I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. I can't say it enough.
I'm looking forward to getting drunk by myself on a half of a mini-mickey of cinnamon whisky on Valentine's day. It's happened every other year for the past three. I'm used to it by now.
What do I want? Peace of mind. Clarity. Calm. Solitude.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
And To Think...
The day has just begun.
Two customers and an hour into my shift later, I looked at my temporary manager, (I'm not at my usual store today.) and said in a bright voice "Gosh! It's spectacularily busy today!" All he could do was laugh.
Linds, baby, you've got many miles to go before you sleep. One day off, is not enough.
I revel in my day off, and admittedly, I did nothing productive all day long. Tuesday, was wonderful.
Tuesday consisted of me, sleeping in until two pm, reading the remaining 500 pages of my novel in about three hours, taking an hour long shower that I think emptied the hot water tank entirely, going for a coffee at Starbucks, taking pity on my roommate who decided to cripple himself at work and gave him a back rub, creating three kickass music compilations for the house system, reading another half of a book, and going to bed at one thirty in the morning.
The only thing vaguely work related was piecing out how to phrase my ad in the local arts and culture paper, for upcoming bodywork that I'll be doing. That and agreed to create a logo for work in kind, from a client.
Was it good for you? Because it was certainly good for me.
Two customers and an hour into my shift later, I looked at my temporary manager, (I'm not at my usual store today.) and said in a bright voice "Gosh! It's spectacularily busy today!" All he could do was laugh.
Linds, baby, you've got many miles to go before you sleep. One day off, is not enough.
I revel in my day off, and admittedly, I did nothing productive all day long. Tuesday, was wonderful.
Tuesday consisted of me, sleeping in until two pm, reading the remaining 500 pages of my novel in about three hours, taking an hour long shower that I think emptied the hot water tank entirely, going for a coffee at Starbucks, taking pity on my roommate who decided to cripple himself at work and gave him a back rub, creating three kickass music compilations for the house system, reading another half of a book, and going to bed at one thirty in the morning.
The only thing vaguely work related was piecing out how to phrase my ad in the local arts and culture paper, for upcoming bodywork that I'll be doing. That and agreed to create a logo for work in kind, from a client.
Was it good for you? Because it was certainly good for me.
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