Tick, tick, tick....

Ergh. The biological clock is ticking.

Loudly. So loudly it's making it hard to sleep at night. It's making me restless. It's making me confused.

It's just fucking annoying, is what it is.

Currently, I'm 25 years old... I'll be 26 on the first of May. (which is a Monday, come to think of it.)

See, when my mom was 21, she'd already had me, and my deceased twin sis, as well as having my half brother when she was 16, whom I've never met, because she gave him up for adoption.

He turned 30 this year. It kind of freaks me out that I date the guys that are the same age as my half-brother.

My mom has started asking me the dreaded "When am I going to get a Grandchild?" question. My response? "I love you to death, but don't even START with me on that one, Mom."

But, when I look at a baby, I think, "Aw. I want one." Is that even close to rational thinking on my part? Probably not.

And truthfully?

Yeah, I probably DO want a kid. Singular. Child. Ein. Uno. одно. Un. One.

Though, from experience, I know it sucks to not have any siblings. I mean, there's no one to blame anything on but yourself, if you end up breaking something in the house. There's no squabbles, or midnight giggle sessions, or having someone to beat up. It's particularly hard if there aren't many kids in your neighborhood, as well... Books become fast friends. I'm kind of used to being alone.

With my luck, and my genetics, I'd get two for the price of one. But, that would involve birthing, and as much as I like practicing, and as classy as this sounds, I don't wanna ruin my cooch... Ya know?

Selfish, isn't it?

It's more than that, though. It's the fact that I'm not stable enough financially, or have a solid enough relationship to have a child raised in a happy, loving, household. I'm neurotic. I'm paranoid. I work for 8 bucks an hour. I'm alone.

I want someone that will love me, FOR ME, first... And then involve additional team players. (Though I'm most certainly not producing enough progeny to equip a hockey team.) At the moment there's not enough "men" on the ice. Though, that's my fault for not letting anyone else on the ice to play.

Though, when I do, they always end up in the penalty box before long.

My friend Jeremy was on my case, for refusing to date, saying "You never know when you could meet someone! It could be that guy that smiles at you in the supermarket aisle." Sure... But this isn't a movie, babe.

Murray said, that I should go to church to find a guy. All I could do was laugh.

I know I'm not going to find "Him" in the bar. I know I'm probably not going to find "Him" online. I know I'm not going to find "Him" in the supermarket aisles, or in the church aisles, for that matter. And I'm not looking.

Why is choosing to be single, like declaring yourself anaethema from society? Why is it saying that you're "Happily single and not looking" like admitting there's something wrong with you? There's nothing wrong with me. It's just not the right time.

And there's nothing wrong with that, either.

Loneliness, is finding despair in being alone. Solitude, is finding the joy of it.

And for me? Yeah, of course I get lonely, but it never lasts for long.