best term for masturbation EVAR!

"The Palm before the Storm".

I'm still giggling, almost 5 minutes after it was mentioned.

Do you guys n' gals think you've got anything to top that one? Hit me with your best shot.

Right on my tits. Just don't get any in my hair, mmkay?

What Crappy Christmas Present Am I?

You Are Socks!

Cozy and warm... but easily lost. You make a good puppet.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

Funny considering I LOVE getting socks as a staple Christmas present.

"Smoke Me A Kipper...

I'll be back for breakfast." – (Arnold "Ace" Rimmer from the television series "Red Dwarf")

So...

If anyone wants to be remarkably generous for my Christmas present, they can take a virtual stroll over to BBC Canada's website and pick up a 18 disc DVD collection of series 1 to 8 Red Dwarf episodes.

C'mon... You know you want to get this for me.

Please?

Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.

travis: Listen, our "love" making was one long three stooges parody...

linds: I recall you poking me in the eye a few times, yes. And a couple of "why I oughta”’s coming out of you, too.

travis: I told you, I'm not good at it.

linds: I think you said "A wiseguy, huh?!" once, too. But that was when you came.

travis: I never cum only go. But Moe and Larry are perfect names for your breasts, and Curly... Well I'll leave that for you to figure out.

linds: Well considering I have hardwood floors, the carpets don't match the drapes... And I'm not so hot about naming one of my tits after my Dad.

travis: You can't name anything sexual after parental figures it's against the rules.

linds: Yeah I always found the whole "Who's your daddy" thing a bit gross... Hey wait... Curly was bald, wasn't he?

travis: lol

I Could Be Your Temporary Girlfriend...

linds: You know what I've realized about myself? Is that I love to make people feel better about themselves when they are lonely. I'm the ultimate temporary companion.

jeri: Wellllll...You need to be someone's permanent one.

linds: Sometime...

jeri: Sooner, rather than later.

linds: Hrmph.

----------------------

It’s true. I’m good at sex, making people feel wanted, and appreciated, but not good enough to be around for longer than six months. I get clingy, I get dependent, I get all the things that drive men away faster than you can say “Herpes”. It’s depressing. It’s also stark reality that I face head on, because it’s too hard to cling to pipe dreams.

I have a friend, who stops by my work every weekend, and occasionally during the week. He’s an single, older man, (which I prefer.) He’s handsome, tall, lean, with dark hair, and blue eyes, a sexy gravelly voice, he’s artistically minded, and has the most remarkably wicked sense of humour.

And, guilty as charged... I’ve developed a crush on him. It’s mutual, and he invited me to his place for home cooked dinner. I gleefully accepted his offer, but in my gut, I’ve got this feeling of dread, that I’m going to hurt him. Badly. And that I’m going to hurt myself badly in the process.

I’m not fully back to “myself” again. I’m not ready for anything serious, and I’ve got complicated emotions that aren’t fully resolved yet. I know it’s the fact that my own self confidence was kicked out from underneath me, and it’s still healing from the blow.

I know I’m the kind of person that hangs on to things, and fights change because it scares the living shit out of me. I know I have expectations of myself that are unrealistic, and as people love to point out, I’m very hard on myself. I’m driven, but I wonder if I often drive myself to the brink of insanity by being this way.

Am I scared to open up my heart to someone else? Hell yes. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s a foolish thing that ends up with me getting trampled on emotionally, but something I haven’t been able to change about myself.

I’m a loner at heart. I wasn’t physically touched much when I was younger, excepting the occasional hugs from my parents. I did my own thing. I grew up without siblings, I grew up without many friends, and I think sometimes that I’m a little socially retarded. Books were my friends. I hid inside my fantasy worlds, and my romance novels, and learned my tertiary education from the minds of writers. Maybe that’s one of my problems. I learned it but I didn't do it myself.

My first introduction to sexuality with someone else, was when I was 13, and I wasn’t a willing participant... I think, that maybe, this has fucked with my head more than I care to admit. But I can’t blame some fuck head that took advantage of my trust and my body without my consent; for screwing up my life. Outside of the things I can’t control, I’m the one behind the steering wheel. That’s like people saying they killed half a dozen people in the local Walmart, because their parents yelled at them when they were kids. There’s more to the story than some psychobabble icing the top.

I get overwhelmed easily. I develop this attachment to people that will love me, and then I take it two steps too far, by pushing or rushing or expecting more (or, that being said, less) than I deserve... And I still don’t know what I deserve.

I fall into the safety net of the uncommitted, temporary relationship because I know there are no permanent ties to the person I’m with. And I still fall in love with them. It’s my catch 22.

Every time I try to develop a relationship with any lasting potential, I’ve always either chosen the wrong person, or butchered a relationship with someone I could have actually made a life with, into something harsh and unforgiving. It ends in tattered ruins at my feet.

I’m not saying it’s all my fault, but at the same time... I’m sure I am the one to blame for a large portion of what’s goes down.

So, do I risk potentially hurting this wonderful person due to my own loneliness, or do I suck it up and stay by myself, to save them and myself from another painful bout of tears?

I know, I know. Dinner at his place doesn’t mean married, for chrissakes, I’m not stupid. I just don’t want to lead anyone on. Not anymore, and not ever in the first place.

Do I let my own selfish desires get in the way of how I behave? Do I back out on my agreement and disappoint this friend, who is such a wonderful person, bar none, because I’m so lost? He deserves so much more than a temporary girlfriend.

Overheard... (At work)

Linds is in the back room getting a product for a customer. Phone rings.

Me: Hello, *company named blanked* Linds speaking.

Man: Hi, I was wondering if Uh... If, Uh.... Uh... If you know why Uhhh... the *company name blanked* still has it's commercials for back to school stuff on T.V?

Me: *pause* Well, as far as I know it does, however I don't watch television, so I wouldn't be the best person to ask that question to. As far as I know, yes, our advertisements are stil on TV, and all of our back to school sales end on the 24th of September.

Man: Uh... Well, Uhmm.... I was just calling to see why the ads were still on tv, because I was watching the space channel, and they had ads for Futureshop, and Best Buy and (lists of a few more companies...) and they still have ads for back to school stuff, but I think that Uh... Kids are already in school and they already have stuff so why are you still showing commercials that say back to school when Uh... Uhm.... They like, don't need to go, and Kids had to start going back into school on the eighth, at like nine am, like grades 8 to 11 to 5, and stuff so I don't know why you have the ads on tv still. And Uhh... do you have the number for like a head office and stuff?

Me: *pause. look up at ceiling as if to beg God for strength* We usually don't give out the number for head office unless it's a serious complaint about a product or poor service, sir.

Man: Uh well this sort of is a serious complaint.

Me: *confused and slightly annoyed* You're complaining about the length of time that commercials run on television for Back to School sales?

Man: Yes.

Me: It's a sale. It just means prices are lower on things, and you get better deals. You don't have to go to school in order to buy the products we sell! Parents of children and college students do not neccessarily purchase all of the supplies they need for school the week before or the day of school starting. In some cases they choose to do price comparisons with other locations that sell the same products we do. I have absolutely no control over the advertising for my company.

Man: Well, Uh, I don't see why they are running still on tv, since school started already and stuff, see I'm 43, and I don't go to school.

Me: Well, sir, if you want, we can give you the *regular* price. We can even increase the price in items if that will make you happy. That being said, I really see no point in your calling our store. I have customers waiting for me, I am the only one available to take care of them, and you're tying me up in my back room on the telephone to complain about something as unimportant as the length of a back to school sale. Unless you have something more relevant to bring up, I have work to do.

Man: But, Uhm, I don't see why the commercials are still on.

Me: *Brusquely* Sir, I've already explained the answer to you, and I'm not going to say it twice. If you'll excuse me, I have work to do. I have customers waiting for me, I don't have time or the inclination to continue this discussion.

Man: Oh, okay. Bye.

Overheard.

~*Linds*~ says: Trav, I don't know what I'd ever do without you.

He who saw the deep... says: Probably have no use for the anal lube and the webcam?

~*Linds*~ says: Sez you! That's how I get the webcam in there!

He who saw the deep... says: Your intestines are hot.

~*Linds*~ says: And all smeared in shit.

...

~*Linds*~ says: Okay. Admittedly, that went beyond the boundaries of good taste. Or even bad taste, to be honest.

He who saw the deep... says: See, sometimes what we imply is okay. There's no need to go further.

~*Linds*~ says: I know, I know; but I so love to push it further.

He who saw the deep... says: I've got scars on my back to prove it.

~*Linds*~ says: See, I do this shit all the time!

...

I think I pushed the limits with someone during a discussion via IM on Plenty of fish, when he made some comment about swimming in ocean water. Specifically in English Bay, here in Vancouver... I said I didn't like it, because I didn't like the taste of salt water and dirty diapers in my mouth.

He who saw the deep... says: lol!

~*Linds*~ says: He logged off briefly after that. I can't fathom why...

Overheard / Pure, Unadulterated...

Eeeeeevil.


Am I the only one that thinks this "man" looks like a vampire?

(Currently this is my MSN, Y! Messenger and AIM display picture. This conversation is with my cousin, Andrew.)

I feel like a frog, jumping from one idea to the other. says: Cleanliness is next to godliness. Right, vampire pope?

~*Linds*~ says: vampire Pope says "Yes, Andrew; now come be my altar boy. Bottom's up!"

I feel like a frog, jumping from one idea to the other. says: Only on one condition, vampire Pope.

~*Linds*~ says: vampire Pope says "What is that, my little soon to be violated one?'

I feel like a frog, jumping from one idea to the other. Says: You have to dissolve the religion and start fresh.

~*Linds*~ Vampire Pope says "No dice".

I feel like a frog, jumping from one idea to the other. says: LOL

obligatory...

Drunken post.

why is this so danmed funny?



because I think i'ts funnier than fuck.

The same with this pic.

Sooooo funny. Soooo truamatixing/.

Myspaec has to be good for something, right?

Yeah! 5 double gin and OJ and 3 china white shooters and no dinner afe a bad combintaion thing.

Okay. My eyes are burning. TimE to go sleep.

Yoinked... From Myself. How Lame.

I AM: Not happy in the living situation I'm in. Again. I'm moving in the middle of October, most likely. This time I'm staying in the same space for at least three years. I hate this shit.
I WANT: Stability.
I WISH: That things would go smoothly for once.
I HATE: Nagging, Feeling claustrophobic, Long rides on public transit.
I MISS: Being genuinely happy and Feeling carefree.
I HEAR: B-Boy's makin' with the Freak Freak by the Beastie Boys, my fan in my room, the sound of my teeth grinding together.
I WONDER: If I'll ever get married and have children.
I REGRET: Things falling apart with my current roomie, and also how my relationships fail.
I AM NOT: Taller than Liz. Fit. A potato chip.
I DANCE: When I hear something good.
I SING: Everyday. Or at least hum.
I CRY: ocassionally. More often than not lately.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: A hard worker.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: any baked good, or food dish and usually cook it to perfection.
I WRITE: In bed, in the evenings, after work, while feeling like falling asleep.
I CONFUSE: My lefts and rights. Yeah. I think I might be borderline retarded.
I NEED: A 400-500 dollar bachelor suite in New West. Stability. More money.
I SHOULD: Get new glasses, learn how to not freak out in a relationship, learn how to handle my finances, Do my taxes.
I START: Things with a passion.
I FINISH: Things slowly, if at all, unfortunately.

The Hardest Thing To Say, And The Thing They Want To Hear The Least...

Is "No".

Me: "No, I'm sorry, we don't do refunds on something that you purchased over a year ago and don't have a reciept for."

Lady: "But it's not even a year old. How can you tell me that it's not under warranty?"

Me: Ma'am, I hate to break it to you but the company changed names approximately a year and a two months ago, so if you're bringing me something with a *blanked* company name on it, it's been in your possession for far over a year, and therefore isn't even covered under it's one year manufacturers warranty."

Lady: "A year, a year and a half... What does it matter? I bought it here! You should replace it!"

Me: "As matter of fact, we don't even carry that product in the store anymore. It's been discontinued, and any remaining merchandise with that product code has been devalued to zero dollars, and most likely destroyed."

Lady: "But it was a sixty dollar item, and now you're telling me it's worth nothing?"

Me: "I'm sorry ma'am. I don't have any control over what the company decides to keep and discard in the company stock."

Lady: "Well this is bullshit. I paid good money for this and now I get treated like shit."

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way, Ma'am. I've been nothing but polite and professional with you. I can't change the situation to make you happy."

Lady: "Fucking ridiculous."

Me: "Well, at least one of us is. I have a feeling it isn't me. Have a nice day."

Must Stay Awa...*Snknxxxxxx...*

Well my "Friday" night was just shot to hell.

I've been burning the candle at both ends for far too long the past few weeks, and it has finally caught up with me.

I dunno if any of you people reading have played "The Sims", a very addictive computer game good for robbing human beings of many hours of real life by PLAYING being another person. (Though most people I know actually create themselves, but far sluttier.)

Much like the little characters in The Sims will do while walking around, I literally fell asleep on myself tonight. I fell asleep on myself sitting on my back patio for an hour, and then finally woke up enough to groggily drag myself to my bed where I think I died for roughly, Oh, 5 and a half hours.

Dang.

With split days off, you tend to appreciate the 'night before the day off' far more than usual, because it's tacked on to that added 24 hours of not attending work. I mean, come on, me! (shut up, before you even start...) I've got designated "sleep" hours, how come they've got to intrude on my designated "all hepped up on goofballs" hours?

Bah.

-----------------

Oh, on a completely unrelated topic, I've realized that I have bigger cojones than my ex-boyfriend, when it comes to finishing things off...

I'm very tempted to send him an email asking him to please reattach his balls and reinsert his spine, so that he can bring it upon himself to finally deliver my delerium CD back to me.

It's not really the fact that he has the cd. Sure it's an import, Sure it's a rare CD. Sure, it was a birthday present from two of my very close friends. That being said, it's just material property, and I can always buy another one.

What kills me on this whole situation, is that he totally used me for his own ends, and led me on. He lied to me. He tread on my generosity as a person, in order to get what he wanted. Or at least it feels that way to me... So barring those facts, the only things I am really passionate about is my music, my writing, and my design.

So why on God's green earth, would I allow him to take something that belongs to me, and that I'm passionate about, and call it his own? Does this make any sense, or am I just totally out of my gourd?

Yes, I realize this is petty. I realize that if I sent him that email, that it's hurtful, and spiteful, and nasty and bad-intentioned, and brings me down to his level. I also know Karma is a bitch, so I wouldn't send it in the first place. But he hurt me. So bad. It's almost painful to resist striking him back where it hurts him. Like a rattler.

I know I'm dragging it on, and I'm lingering in this negativity, but why do I always have to be the nice one, and the mature one, and the one that has the balls to call it quits because he would quite happily let it turn drag on for another month of loneliness, just because he could, and because he couldn't sum up the courage to break it off earlier? It's a coward's way out of a relationship.

And why do I have to be the one that has to keep my chin up despite blow after blow to my self-esteem where I'm made to feel like an unvalued human being, and an unwanted person? And needing to keep the water rolling off this duckie's back? I already know the answer, "Because no one else will do it for you, Linds." I know this. I'm just tired.

I'm not made of stone. Just cement. It was one of those cheap mixes, you can buy at Walmart, and it's chipping away rather quickly.

I just... Well, I wish I wasn't so angry. I wish I knew how to isolate that one part of me, and just toss it in the garbage. Is it the price you pay when you're an emotional female? Or is it just the price you pay when you're a neurotic freak? Where does the line exist between those two things, or is it all gray instead of black and white? Am I crazy, or am I just really hurt and don't know how to get over it?

I'm tired of dating "boys" that refuse to be held accountable for their own actions. A nice vehicle, a good job, and a decent sense of humour does not a "Man" make. Real men live up to their word. And I'm not lowering that standard, either. I don't feel I should have to.

And for once, I wish the ones that think they are behaving in an adult manner whilst sabotaging/undermining others feelings and deeds only to further themselves and make themselves feel better, would feel the jagged, icy shaft of karma sticking it up their pooters.

Hard. Repeatedly. With no lube.

Perhaps smeared with Cayenne Pepper paste. Yeah. That's it.

Actually, I'm tired of dating at all.

And on that note, I'm going back to sleep.

Showing A Little Soul...

My newest Soul, Motown and R&B mixed CD, Fresh from my iTunes Library:

1. Love And Happiness - Al Green

2. Ain't No Way - Aretha Franklin

3. Something's Got A Hold On Me - Etta James

4. Papa's Got A Brand New Bag (Pt. 1) - James Brown

5. What'd I Say - Ray Charles

6. Just The Two Of Us - Bill Withers

7. Tired Of Being Alone - Al Green

8. Chain Of Fools - Aretha Franklin

9. What Would I do Without You - Ray Charles

10. Son Of A Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield

11. Here I am Baby - Al Green

12. I Just Wanna Make Love To You - Etta James

13. Sweet Inspiration - The Sweet Inspirations

14. I Pity The Fool - Bobby "Blue" Bland

15. It's A Man's Man's Man's World - James Brown

16. Let's Stay Together - Al Green

17. Hallelujah I Love Her So - Ray Charles

18. Right To Be Wrong - Joss Stone

19. Waiting For You - Seal

20. I Got You (I Feel Good) - James Brown

21. Tell Mama - Etta James