Five Things You Should NEVER Do On Public Transit...

*Warning, this entry is prolific with profuse profanity.*
(Whoo! Alliteration!)

I'm a regular BC Transit Rider, and I've seen some of the most ridiculous shit in the past 12 or so years I've been riding Buses. There are things that NO ONE should ever do on them...

1.) Clip your nails. (Either toenails or fingernails.)

People, they call it PERSONAL grooming for a reason. Do it in a PERSONAL space, fer fucks sakes. Try your bathroom. NOT on the bus. (This is usually limited to one particular ethnicity. I'm quite conveniently neglecting to mention WHICH one, but they are also the ones that tend to blow their noses in their hands in public as well. However, I'm not racist, and I'm anti-discriminatory. I hate everyone equally, so I'm not going to say... Anyways...)

I've got one word for seeing someone clip their nails (and yes, I have seen someone clipping their toenails...) on the bus. "Eeeeeeewwwwwwww!"

at least I've never seen someone CHEW their toenails off on the bus.

2.) Break up with your Boyfriend/Girlfriend.

Yup, I've seen some LOVELY cat fights on the train/bus. The same sentiment applies to breaking up over the phone. How about you WAIT twenty minutes until you've either:

a) Sobered up a little bit.
b) Removed your white trash, attention grabbing carcass off of the goddamned bus.

There's nothing like a long day at work, that's topped off by some chick calling her boyfriend a "Stupid, mother-fucking cocksucker!" at top volume in a fully packed bus.

Even better is when they shriek at top volume "Fuck you, you fucking whore! Fuuuuuuuck! I can't believe you fucked (insert so-and-so's name here) behind my back!" (What? You wanted to watch?)

Have another drink, lovey.

3.) Jerk-off.

I know I'm gorgeous. I know. *rolls her eyes* I understand, REALLY, I do, that some people can't control their sexual urges. Some people just CAN'T wait to whip out that one eyed, purple headed monster. Some people are just exhibitionists, I guess.

Try the parks. (Yes, I've seen that in the park too. *sighs* My poor eyes. I'm tainted for life.)

4.) Vomit. On yourself, and then on my shoes.

Please God, if that ever happens again, I swear, I'm going to shitkick them off the bus myself with my pukey shoes. (I LIKED those shoes too!)

I understand that you don't really get that high from heroin unless you've emptied the contents of your stomach, mainly consisting of bile and digestive fluids, since you've spent your last penny on the heroin you just shot up... Perhaps you need one of those air-sickness bags?

Hell. Even a ziploc.

5.) Brag about your criminal record, the fact that you just got out of a holding cell after the cops beat the snot out of you, the number of times you've been arrested, how much crack you sell in a day, or how the cops have a warrant out for your arrest, because you decided that it was okay to skip your court date.

Thanks.

At least I know what you look like so when I see the next RCMP Skytrain Constable, I can tell him exactly where you're located, what direction you are going in, and what stop you publicly announced you were getting off at, you stupid fuck.

I especially like it when I'm carrying about five thousand dollars worth of electronics in my backpack for school with me on the Skytrain, and your sitting across from me talking to your "buddy" (who you actually just met and were trying to sell some crack to, but he refused) about all this shit, and eyeing my backpack like an anorexic eyes a particularly tasty looking cream eclair. That makes me feel GREAT.


The sad thing about all of this, is that I've seen it within the last month.

I really should learn how to drive.