I am getting burned out. Too many long shifts. Not enough good nutrition. No energy to cook food. Not enough good times with friends. We need more Effing employees at my store!
I need a holiday. Oh, Mexico... Why can't you and I be closer to each other?
I wonder how much it costs to stay for a week at an all inclusive resort in Acapulco? I just want to tan, and read, and eat, and drink margaritas, and sleep in, and see neat things, Maybe visit the Mayan ruins, Maybe get West Nile from some passing mosquito. I want to swim in the pool, and flirt harmlessly with whoever I chat with, and have a good memory of my trip, because my last vacation was pretty crappy, too short and not satisfying. It was also over almost a year and three months ago. I can't go until November. I want it so bad NOW that I could almost cry.
Aw crap, too late. I'm leaking.
And surprisingly enough, I want to go by myself, too. I don't want romance, I don't want a companionship there, I don't want to worry about anyone else, whoever is with me, or inadvertent drama. I don't want phone calls, or email, or customers, or problems. I don't want to THINK, because I can't get away from THINKING. FUCK I HATE THINKING!!
Too much going on, and I have no time for me. I just want to be, and enjoy. I want to read two or three books, I want to do what I want, when I want, where I want, without wondering what people think. I don't care if I look pasty, or fat, or horrible in a bathing suit, or if people think I'm some sort of freak with my tattoos and whatever, I don't want to feel like everyone expects something from me, everyone is waiting for me to do something. I'm holding my own pity party right now, and I don't fucking care.
I just want to be. I want to be me. I've lost myself along the way, somewhere.
Where did I go?
*sighs*
Everything is money money money, I owe the bank, I owe friends, I owe my parents, I owe BC and Federal student loans. I don't even SEE my paycheque anymore. I spent eight dollars on myself, on my own interests, in the past three weeks. Eight bucks. I bought a journal. It was on sale.
My parent's don't talk to me about anything other than money anymore. it's not "how is your relationship going?" or "How are you doing lately?" it's "Have you made the payment to the bank yet" (the answer is yes) "How much are you making an hour now?" (The answer is not enough) Is that the only thing that matters?
When did we stop enjoying life, and start attaching a monentary amount to everything? How come we can't enjoy just walking along the beach at sunset, and smelling a flower, and petting the neighbors cat, feeling the sun on your face when you look up, watching a bird bathe in a fountain... things that are free? I have been trying to enjoy them lately. Simple things that get overlooked, because we're rushed, and we're stressed and we don't know how to live anymore.
I don't own my life anymore. It belongs to everybody else. My parents, and the bank, and the people I owe money to, and my work, but not to me.
I got a promotion. I got my training book (It's an effing bible) today. Or rather, I talked to the Regional district assistant to the District manager... What kind of title is that? And printed off a whack of PDF's that were emailed to me using the work printer. technically it is work related, so it's cool.
I now have the means to educate myself and I don't feel like "sticking it to the man" anymore. I just want a good, well paying, benefit supplying, enjoyable day job. Because don't get me wrong... I like my job, I just don't like stupid people. I want that Salary job. I want some security. I need it.
I am now Assistant Manager. My ends weren't supplying my means, or vice versa, because I'm tired at the moment, and I took a step up, because if I have to pretend to be the A.M., and have to do all the tasks of an A.M., I might as well get paid like one. I am the Ass-Man. AssMan. Azzmannnnn... A.M. am. Oh gawd. I don't want to get up tomorrow. I want to board a plane to Acopulco, and feel the rush of my worries leave my shoulders. I want to sleep without grinding my teeth together from stress, and stop crying at nothing when I'm alone, I want to feel my shoulder muscles relax for the first time in months, because the rocks under my skin aren't normal, natural or healthy. I want the busy-ness in my brain to just fucking CHILL.
I need a caretaker. A Linds-babysitter. I want the crusts cut off of my peanut butter sammiches, mammy. Mmm. Peanut butter.
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