Music of the moment : Ella Fitzgerald "Lover Come Back To Me" (compilation of her greatest hits. Large portions of this disc feature Louis Armstrong.)
Moods of the moment: Regret, unhappy, reflective, uncertain.
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Okay, its Burnaby, not London. The past few days the weather has been quite interesting. I've forgotten that during the fall and winter now, we get heavy fog coverage, when it gets cold and moist enough in the evening and early mornings. I can't figure out if I love it, or if I'm ambivalent. ARGH!!! It's all indecision in my head. *sighs*
I was quite good at making a total ass out of myself yesterday. It was one of those days where I seemed to be afflicted with "open mouth, insert foot" syndrome.
I'm starting to feel like a phenomenal fuck up. I know it's not as bad as I think. However I offended a few people without thinking yesterday, one person because I was impatient and not thinking very clearly, letting my frustration get the best of me. I'm pretty sure I really hurt his feelings. I'm so sorry sweetheart. I cried myself to sleep feeling heart sick. I offended one other person because I was overemphasizing something that I just should have kept my mouth shut on. And I apologized to her as well.
Regret is a bitter drink indeed. I feel like a total ass.
I sent an email yesterday afternoon, to an instructor for a Computer Media Design program held at Langara starting in May of 2005. Hopefully I get a response, because the course looks like everything I've ever wanted to do with myself. It's a very expensive course, but Full time, so I probably would qualify for a student loan. There's nothing like owing more money.
I've been having one particular daydream for the past month and a half, occupying my mind at work and pretty much everywhere else. It's a simple one, and a lucrative one that almost everyone I know has thought about at one point or another.
Winning the lottery.
8 to 10 million would do me just peachy. It's enough to pay off my debt, the debt of all of my close friends, and the people I love. I want to purchase a house to be built for my parents on the family property they have in Nova Scotia, I want to get my own love shack built with a recording studio downstairs, Fly down to Dallas, steal Devin away for a few months to somewhere sunny, and then to Europe, (If he lets me) to see and experience things I've only ever dreamed of doing. Come home, taking him with me, (Again. If he lets me, I'm sure an offer of him writing and doing whatever he wanted for the rest of his life would suit him just fine.) I want to offer scholarships to young people that have potential doing things creative, that would otherwise not be able to do what they dreamed of doing. I want to settle quite comfortably, take my courses in school, and start up my own businesses. Being a restaurant/bar in this picturesque location in New Westminster that I get drawn to becuase of it's look, style and history, which captivates me every single time I'm down there, and my own web design company.
Perhaps it's just the simple longings of my heart for the opportunity to love someone unconditionally, (which I'm not sure I'm capable of... It scares me and at the same time makes me so hopeful that someone would accept me for who I am in entirety, and my heart feels like it could explode from wanting it so much.) to help everyone I care about, and to finally succeed in something that I might just be very well suited for. It beats the pants off of a dead end bakery job at Safeway with no opportunity for advancement.
It's a dream that keeps me smiling even when I'm having the worst day imaginable. I feel vulnerable admitting these dreams/goals like this. I decided to do it anyways. It feels so childish living in something imaginary, and wanting it so damned bad that you would sell your soul for it... Perhaps its just escapism, which I don't usually give in to.
I have goals. I have my dreams. It's just that not many people know them, and that I'm terrified to admit them because I'm spooked that I'll get laughed at.
It's just time to start acting on them, which is why I wrote that instructor for more information.
That and spending 6 bucks for 2 draws a week on the 649.
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"I will ride my Red motorcycle into your heart, crash land my feelings on your door step, fling pink scented petals across your front lawn, and kiss you like pancakes for breakfast."
-From "Poetry in Transit."
2 comments:
*HUGS* You can dream. Believe in yourself and all that you are and don't take any crap from anyone. I believe in you and am glad to call you friend.
Strangly (and interestingly) enough, this was my horoscope for September 28, 2004.
You are going to have to take a risk, especially when it comes to trusting someone who has long since proven their devotion to you. Let them in on all those visions, fantasies, yearnings and dreams that you've been stowing away in the lockbox of your heart. The sooner you bring these things out into daylight the sooner you can make them come true. There is a great potential for synergy if you team up with the right person. Rest assured that you will know them when they appear.
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