Music of the moment: Alicia Keys, "The Diary of Alicia Keys."
Mood of the moment: Reflective.
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I had a great discussion with Devin today. I don't know if "happy" is the word to describe how I feel from it, or just "satisfied." Perhaps it's a mixture of both. It's rare that I get the chance to talk to him for more than 20 minutes at a time, and to have the luxury of over an hour of frequent conversation, was definitely a good thing. I even shed a few tears, which he doesn't know about. If I was sexually active, I would think I was pregnant, but since I'm not, then I'll just wonder what the hell is going on with my emotions, and try to sort them out. I learned things I never knew about him today, and he learned things he never even guessed about me. It's obvious our relationship is something VERY worth exploring. It feels like he never went away. It feels like I've known him for my whole life and still get to learn things about him. It's liberating. It feels like he completes that part of my soul that I never knew existed. For that alone I'll always love him. Its the fact that I can just be myself when talking to him. Which I've never had the chance to do before. I've always been so guarded revealing my soul to someone. I'm still scared to show him a few things about myself, because I don't want him to run away.
He surprised me with a phone call this afternoon, which was awesome, and completely unexpected. It made my day.
I've noticed a developing trend in my personality. It's that I'm getting milder. I'm not meek. Just more mellow. I've always been passionate, more than most people would express themselves. I don't know exactly what caused this particular trait... It's not necessarily a bad thing, but not terrific either. I can't dwell in the past, which was never that fabulous, and certainly can't continue thinking too far ahead or I'm going to drive myself nuts.
It's not to say I'm content living in the now, because I'm not. There are things I would rather be doing than working for Safeway, living way too far away from the person I care about, and struggling financially. It's all a matter of perspective. I could be in way worse situations. I've BEEN in worse situations. So I choose to figure out what to do with the cards life is dealing me right now. It's only a matter of time before I get off my ass and do something. I should do it soon, but I'm a creature of habit. (Like most people I would hope.) I'm a typical Taurus, and get totally freaked out by drastic, unplanned change.
I remember when my last serious relationship ended, and how I felt. How devastated I was. I was in the car with Crystal D. Driving around aimlessly. (Which is our usual activity.) I said to her, "If this is growing up.... It hurts like a bitch." Life plans lots of crazy things to happen to you. If I knew I would be madly in love with someone living in another country, If I knew that my first boyfriend would be abusive, If I knew that I would start writing and how it would consume so much of my time... I may have never decided to do them, but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. There are never mistakes, just life lessons. And I'm slowly beginning to figure them out. It's just a painful process.
I usually like the skin I'm in. There's things I would change about my body, everyone has those issues, but by and large, I'm content with my body. It's the brain that's in this skull of mine that comes up with it's own crazy ideas. I find that I can annoy myself at times. I notice these traits that I do NOT like. However, every time I ask my friends that I'm with at that time if I'm bothering them in any way, I get a "What the hell are you talking about?" as a response. It's only my imagination getting the best of me. It's that nagging self doubt, that makes me second guess myself.
As it stands right now, I'm reading this post and going, "What the fuck are you babbling on about? Just delete this post, and go to bed you idiot..."
I won't though. I'll post it tonight, read it tomorrow, and if it still seems like gibberish, then oh well. It's up there. Not every piece of writing gets an A.
I miss Devin, but it's not the end of the world. I'll get to be with him eventually... and if that fails, then I'll move on after I learn another lesson that hurts like a motherfucker. But I can always hope that something goes according to plan.
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"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
--Anonymous.
2 comments:
*HUGS* You know what's going on and nothing will slip under your radar. My quote "to thine own self be true" and a fav saying "there will be a silver lining. it may take a bit but it is there." We are survivors and we do ... survive. As my phoenix testifies...there is life after death..from hell to heaven.... You know what's going on.
You sound as though something has clicked; there is a sense of clarity in your rambling - ha ha! Good for you.
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