Long Time Gone...

I know, I know. I've been busy, Okay?

Look mom, I'm sorry I haven't written in a week. Things just sort of popped up, and now I've finally gotten the free time.

Like what? Well, let's see. I got a promotion at work, after working for minimum wage for almost 11 months, I'm finally classified assistant manager, making assistant pay, instead of doing all the tasks and making sales associate wages.

My District manager gave me a bunch of compliments which was so flattering and really nice. He said I was more than intelligent enough to have a store to myself in approximately mid-2007. Yeah. I'm excited. It's a lot of pressure but I think I'll be able to manage it.

Yeah, actually, I have been seeing someone. I've been dating a man named Cliff, going on a month now.

Yeah, you'd like him. He's a real nice guy. Yeah, he's got a good job, and a good heart. Plus he can cook like nobodies business... I'm actually eating vegetables on a regular basis now. You'd be proud of me.

Yeah, he's handsome. All lanky and tall with dark hair and blue-blue-blue eyes. He's got a lot of character to his face, and great smile lines around his eyes. He does flytying, for a hobby, just like grandpa did. He's pretty good at it, too. He loves fishing.

He's a bit older than I am...

Yeah, older. Is that a problem?

What do you mean no comment? You've always got an opinion. I had to learn it from somebody, right? Bah, whatever.

Of course I'm happy. He treats me really well. I feel spoiled.

I met him at work. He was a regular customer and I guess he dug me more than he originally let on... I feel like I'm not the "usual" girls he goes for, when he goes for them, though.

Well, I'm a bigger girl. He's tall and lanky and slender, like I said. He's probably had his fair share of girls that are slender and curvy and blonde, and here I am, dumpy, curvy and brunette. I feel kinda inadequate. Not that he's really looking at other girls or anything. He's really devoted. It's so different than everyone else I've dated.

Thanks mom. But you have to say I'm pretty. Your my mom.

Pregnant?! Babies?! Christ, I've been dating him for a month, how about you ask me that when I've been dating him a few years? Jeez. No pressure, really!

I know, I know. You want grandkids. *rolls her eyes* How about I actually get to know him a little bit more before I get knocked up? Sound good?

No, I haven't found an apartment yet. Andrew decided to be my room mate, and he's been doing a good job of looking for apartments in the papers and stuff. I'm going to view a couple of them on Wednesday, during the morning, to see if they are decent. If he can get the day off, he's going to come with.

I'm seeing if I can extend my stay another 15 days at the place I'm at currently, so that I can fit it all in with my additional workload and some design work I've got going on.

I actually should be packing now, because I've got two days off in a row, and I need to get it going.

Okay, well I hope you're doing all right, and I'll talk to you sometime soon.

No, I won't be so long in between writing, if I can help it.

Okay. I love you too.

Ciao.

*Tugs At Her Collar*

Linds: Awkward, awkward!!
Linds: Ergh...
Linds: Mayday!

Sean: lol
Sean: What is happening?

Linds: I'm at Cliff's and there are maintenance men working on his furnace, let in by his landlady, who let them in because I didn't answer the door.
Linds: And they don't know I'm here.
Linds: Because I closed the bedroom door.
Linds: And they are working RIGHT next to the door.
Linds: *whispers* And I locked it.

Sean: lol
Sean: And this is awkward because?

Linds: because I'm naked wearing only a bathrobe and Cliff ISN'T here 'cause he's working?

Sean: ah
Sean: well, there are two ways to go with this...
Sean: one, what you did;

Linds: stay hidden, being number one...
Linds: and first and foremost in my mind.
Linds: ding ding, we have a winner!!

Sean: or two, the beginning of a delightful Letter to Penthouse.

Linds: No. I've got my rag.

Sean: lol
Sean: Well, hopefully the men will leave soon.

Linds: Yes.
Linds: And the landlady.

Sean: lol

Linds: Because I have to work at 12.45 this afternoon.
Linds: Why do I end up in the *really* awkward situations?

Sean: Is it too high for the window?
Sean: lol

Linds: He lives on the 2nd story.
Linds: knowing me I'd break, well... Everything.

Sean: Now Linds, this is something worth writing about.
Sean: LOL

Linds: Yeah, I know... I was already thinking it.

Sean: I will check up with you later, Linds.

Linds: I will be working, until nine... If I'm not trapped in by the maintenance men and my own cowardice.

Sean: ok
Sean: lol

All Bundled Up... Thanksgiving Day, 2006

All Bundled Up...
Originally uploaded by Miss Linds.

I was bored on the bus, on the way to the 'rents, so I snapped a pic with my new scarf and my hair up in wee pig tails. Tres anime hair. I've got fuzzy elastics on there too!

90 Things...

1.) I am not ready to fall in love again, yet.
2.) I am scared to hurt the person I've been dating.
3.) Even though I know he's "A Big Boy". I'm still scared.
4.) I work on average 52 to 60 hours a week. I'm really, really tired, every day.
5.) My days all blend together, I never know what day it is, and I don't ever get two days off in a row.
6.) I bailed on a friends birthday party tonight, and I feel really bad for not going, because I know it would be a lot of fun.
7.) My friend is okay with that, since he knows I work my ass off.
8.) I am going to ask for a raise tomorrow. Again. I'm probably going to get blown off. Again.
9.) I don't get paid enough for the amount of work I do, and it's starting to bug me. A lot.
10.) I feel bad because I have not been socializing with my friends enough in the past few months.
11.) My life still feels like it has fallen apart and has not begun to knit back together again. I hope it happens soon.
12.) I like oral sex. A lot.
13.) I have not gone on vacation since May 2nd of 2005.
14.) I have to do laundry tomorrow. I was supposed to do it tonight, but I forgot my work pants at work. Dammit.
15.) Did I mention I like oral sex a lot?
16.) I really just want to do nothing tomorrow. Including not going to work.
17.) Oh, that's both giving and recieving, by the way.
18.) I commonly reference myself as feeling like being "A little bird trapped in a glass dome, flapping my wings ineffectively at the insides".
19.) I think going to school was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
20.) My father disagrees with me, saying going to school wasn't a mistake, but the way I handled myself while in school, was.
21.) He's right, Of course.
22.) I haven't been home in 7 days.
23.) I have to move in 23 days, and have not found a place to live yet. I haven't started packing yet, either.
24.) The uncertainty of it all makes me very nauseous.
25.) I've trained two employees in the past two weeks.
26.) My toenails are the colour of light bronze. I think it's pretty.
27.) For a moment, I almost forgot I was at home, and not at Cliff's.
28.) I have a carnation he gave me on the 20th of September, and it's still alive on my dining room table.
29.) I bought him lilies for his living room, to brighten up his plant corner. They are bright orange.
30.) I have 4975 songs, which is 14.3 days of playing time, and 31.26 gigs of space on my hard drive.
31.) I have half again as much on my external Hard Drive.
32.) I know that's nothing to people that download all of their music, but to me, it's a big deal because I paid for most of it.
33.) My number one Christmas list item is a 30 gig iPod Video.
34.) I know. Fat chance. *sighs*
35.) To replace my lovely 400 dollar, 8 ounce, 20 gig paperweight, which seems to enjoy reformatting itself and giving me the sad iPod face every time I try to use it, so I've given up thinking it's a lost cause.
36.) This makes me very sad.
37.) But a girl can always dream, right?
38.) My newest online nickname from Murray is "Lindymahindi".
39.) I call Murray "Pookie", "Murvyn", "Murrman", "Mervynator", "Murrby", "Murrbles" and anything else I can think up to make him giggle.
40.) Murray's girlfriend bought a long haired Chihuahua, named which he originally thought was stupid, and now pampers like it's HIS baby.
41.) I think that's really cute.
42.) My new hire calls me "Muffin". I fucking hate it.
43.) Don't you dare...
44.) Do you know how much OIL is in a muffin? Eeew.
45.) I missed my bed this week. Lots.
46.) I'm tired. Big surprise.
47.) I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
48.) I've worked over 120 more hours than my boss between March 1st to October 1st.
49.) Remind me again why I'm not a Manager?
50.) I'm delightful. You're welcome.
51.) I don't see what people see in me that makes me attractive.
52.) I have found three grey hairs in the last 4 months.
53.) I'm the most critical of myself.I tend to self-deprecate.
54.) I love Mariah Carey's album "The Emancipation of Mimi". I listen to it all the time.
55.) God, I missed my bed.
56.) I can be quite gullible sometimes.
57.) I'm forcing myself to stay awake so that I don't feel like I sleep whenever I am home.
58.) I spend too much time worrying about work and complaining about the things that I can't change.
59.) I got my brows waxed on Friday afternoon, and my esthetician was a brutally violent Chinese lady with a sadistic penchant for causing pain strong enough to make me leak tears.
60.) Cliff watched me get it done and swore upside and down that his nuts retracted inside his body watching me "induce self-torture for beauty".
61.) I walked around the mall for the rest of the afternoon with a red rectangular streak around my brows, feeling like an idiot.
62.) to whit, I promptly got teased about.
63.) I pinched him for his efforts.
64.) Men just don't appreciate the lengths women go to look pretty for them. *hrmph*
65.) I can't think of 35 more things.
66.) All I can think of is sleeping, in my bed.
67.) Holy mother, I so missed my bed.
68.) This is one of my favourite candid photos that I've taken and posted on flickr.com
69.) I started crying right after I took this photo of one of my best friend's getting married. I got called "a big softie" and a big hug because of it.
70.) This is me when I was 23.
71.) What the hell happened? I used to be cute.
72.) This is the most recent photo of me.
73.) I haven't rebooted my computer in 17 days. Holy crap.
74.) One of my favourite painters is Vincent Van Gogh.
75.) I've seriously contemplated having "Starry Night" tattooed on my left shoulder, and "Starry Night Over the Rhone" on my right as "cap sleeves".
76.) My Tattoo Artist, Andrea, is salivating at the thought of doing such a complicated piece.
77.) I think I will finish my back before I fill out any other areas of my body first, though.
78.) I don't give a fuck what people will think when I'm 80 and have saggy tattoos. At least I can say "I did it" instead of "I always wanted to do that".
79.) The next tattoo I get is the word "Hope" on the top of the line of kanji going down my spine, So that it says "Hope, Love, Dreams, Music, Friendship". There's something about having Six symbols saying five words that really appeal to me. I also like the notion of having five words up there.
80.) It's been almost 2 years since I've gotten a real tattoo. (touch-up's don't count.)
81.) If I ever get married, I am not going to be afraid that my tattoos will show when I wear a wedding dress. They are an integral part of me.
82.) I google almost EVERYTHING that I don't know the answer to.
83.) Erik is coming back to vancouver in less than two weeks, and I'm totally excited.
84.) My Cell phone has "We Belong Together" as the ringer, and "Jungle Boogie" as my Text messaging notice. I have kept them the same since I got my phone because I like them so much.
85.) I have 5 instant messaging programs.
86.) God, wasn't that a bloody boring point?
87.) When I smoke a joint, I get super introspective, very paranoid, and eat a lot of chocolate with a bottle of coca cola.
88.) I like waking up to the local New Country Music Radio station.
89.) I often find myself waking up humming whatever is on the radio.
90.) I also like waking up to the local hip hop station. It's all about variety, baby.

best term for masturbation EVAR!

"The Palm before the Storm".

I'm still giggling, almost 5 minutes after it was mentioned.

Do you guys n' gals think you've got anything to top that one? Hit me with your best shot.

Right on my tits. Just don't get any in my hair, mmkay?

What Crappy Christmas Present Am I?

You Are Socks!

Cozy and warm... but easily lost. You make a good puppet.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

Funny considering I LOVE getting socks as a staple Christmas present.

"Smoke Me A Kipper...

I'll be back for breakfast." – (Arnold "Ace" Rimmer from the television series "Red Dwarf")

So...

If anyone wants to be remarkably generous for my Christmas present, they can take a virtual stroll over to BBC Canada's website and pick up a 18 disc DVD collection of series 1 to 8 Red Dwarf episodes.

C'mon... You know you want to get this for me.

Please?

Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.

travis: Listen, our "love" making was one long three stooges parody...

linds: I recall you poking me in the eye a few times, yes. And a couple of "why I oughta”’s coming out of you, too.

travis: I told you, I'm not good at it.

linds: I think you said "A wiseguy, huh?!" once, too. But that was when you came.

travis: I never cum only go. But Moe and Larry are perfect names for your breasts, and Curly... Well I'll leave that for you to figure out.

linds: Well considering I have hardwood floors, the carpets don't match the drapes... And I'm not so hot about naming one of my tits after my Dad.

travis: You can't name anything sexual after parental figures it's against the rules.

linds: Yeah I always found the whole "Who's your daddy" thing a bit gross... Hey wait... Curly was bald, wasn't he?

travis: lol

I Could Be Your Temporary Girlfriend...

linds: You know what I've realized about myself? Is that I love to make people feel better about themselves when they are lonely. I'm the ultimate temporary companion.

jeri: Wellllll...You need to be someone's permanent one.

linds: Sometime...

jeri: Sooner, rather than later.

linds: Hrmph.

----------------------

It’s true. I’m good at sex, making people feel wanted, and appreciated, but not good enough to be around for longer than six months. I get clingy, I get dependent, I get all the things that drive men away faster than you can say “Herpes”. It’s depressing. It’s also stark reality that I face head on, because it’s too hard to cling to pipe dreams.

I have a friend, who stops by my work every weekend, and occasionally during the week. He’s an single, older man, (which I prefer.) He’s handsome, tall, lean, with dark hair, and blue eyes, a sexy gravelly voice, he’s artistically minded, and has the most remarkably wicked sense of humour.

And, guilty as charged... I’ve developed a crush on him. It’s mutual, and he invited me to his place for home cooked dinner. I gleefully accepted his offer, but in my gut, I’ve got this feeling of dread, that I’m going to hurt him. Badly. And that I’m going to hurt myself badly in the process.

I’m not fully back to “myself” again. I’m not ready for anything serious, and I’ve got complicated emotions that aren’t fully resolved yet. I know it’s the fact that my own self confidence was kicked out from underneath me, and it’s still healing from the blow.

I know I’m the kind of person that hangs on to things, and fights change because it scares the living shit out of me. I know I have expectations of myself that are unrealistic, and as people love to point out, I’m very hard on myself. I’m driven, but I wonder if I often drive myself to the brink of insanity by being this way.

Am I scared to open up my heart to someone else? Hell yes. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s a foolish thing that ends up with me getting trampled on emotionally, but something I haven’t been able to change about myself.

I’m a loner at heart. I wasn’t physically touched much when I was younger, excepting the occasional hugs from my parents. I did my own thing. I grew up without siblings, I grew up without many friends, and I think sometimes that I’m a little socially retarded. Books were my friends. I hid inside my fantasy worlds, and my romance novels, and learned my tertiary education from the minds of writers. Maybe that’s one of my problems. I learned it but I didn't do it myself.

My first introduction to sexuality with someone else, was when I was 13, and I wasn’t a willing participant... I think, that maybe, this has fucked with my head more than I care to admit. But I can’t blame some fuck head that took advantage of my trust and my body without my consent; for screwing up my life. Outside of the things I can’t control, I’m the one behind the steering wheel. That’s like people saying they killed half a dozen people in the local Walmart, because their parents yelled at them when they were kids. There’s more to the story than some psychobabble icing the top.

I get overwhelmed easily. I develop this attachment to people that will love me, and then I take it two steps too far, by pushing or rushing or expecting more (or, that being said, less) than I deserve... And I still don’t know what I deserve.

I fall into the safety net of the uncommitted, temporary relationship because I know there are no permanent ties to the person I’m with. And I still fall in love with them. It’s my catch 22.

Every time I try to develop a relationship with any lasting potential, I’ve always either chosen the wrong person, or butchered a relationship with someone I could have actually made a life with, into something harsh and unforgiving. It ends in tattered ruins at my feet.

I’m not saying it’s all my fault, but at the same time... I’m sure I am the one to blame for a large portion of what’s goes down.

So, do I risk potentially hurting this wonderful person due to my own loneliness, or do I suck it up and stay by myself, to save them and myself from another painful bout of tears?

I know, I know. Dinner at his place doesn’t mean married, for chrissakes, I’m not stupid. I just don’t want to lead anyone on. Not anymore, and not ever in the first place.

Do I let my own selfish desires get in the way of how I behave? Do I back out on my agreement and disappoint this friend, who is such a wonderful person, bar none, because I’m so lost? He deserves so much more than a temporary girlfriend.

Overheard... (At work)

Linds is in the back room getting a product for a customer. Phone rings.

Me: Hello, *company named blanked* Linds speaking.

Man: Hi, I was wondering if Uh... If, Uh.... Uh... If you know why Uhhh... the *company name blanked* still has it's commercials for back to school stuff on T.V?

Me: *pause* Well, as far as I know it does, however I don't watch television, so I wouldn't be the best person to ask that question to. As far as I know, yes, our advertisements are stil on TV, and all of our back to school sales end on the 24th of September.

Man: Uh... Well, Uhmm.... I was just calling to see why the ads were still on tv, because I was watching the space channel, and they had ads for Futureshop, and Best Buy and (lists of a few more companies...) and they still have ads for back to school stuff, but I think that Uh... Kids are already in school and they already have stuff so why are you still showing commercials that say back to school when Uh... Uhm.... They like, don't need to go, and Kids had to start going back into school on the eighth, at like nine am, like grades 8 to 11 to 5, and stuff so I don't know why you have the ads on tv still. And Uhh... do you have the number for like a head office and stuff?

Me: *pause. look up at ceiling as if to beg God for strength* We usually don't give out the number for head office unless it's a serious complaint about a product or poor service, sir.

Man: Uh well this sort of is a serious complaint.

Me: *confused and slightly annoyed* You're complaining about the length of time that commercials run on television for Back to School sales?

Man: Yes.

Me: It's a sale. It just means prices are lower on things, and you get better deals. You don't have to go to school in order to buy the products we sell! Parents of children and college students do not neccessarily purchase all of the supplies they need for school the week before or the day of school starting. In some cases they choose to do price comparisons with other locations that sell the same products we do. I have absolutely no control over the advertising for my company.

Man: Well, Uh, I don't see why they are running still on tv, since school started already and stuff, see I'm 43, and I don't go to school.

Me: Well, sir, if you want, we can give you the *regular* price. We can even increase the price in items if that will make you happy. That being said, I really see no point in your calling our store. I have customers waiting for me, I am the only one available to take care of them, and you're tying me up in my back room on the telephone to complain about something as unimportant as the length of a back to school sale. Unless you have something more relevant to bring up, I have work to do.

Man: But, Uhm, I don't see why the commercials are still on.

Me: *Brusquely* Sir, I've already explained the answer to you, and I'm not going to say it twice. If you'll excuse me, I have work to do. I have customers waiting for me, I don't have time or the inclination to continue this discussion.

Man: Oh, okay. Bye.

Overheard.

~*Linds*~ says: Trav, I don't know what I'd ever do without you.

He who saw the deep... says: Probably have no use for the anal lube and the webcam?

~*Linds*~ says: Sez you! That's how I get the webcam in there!

He who saw the deep... says: Your intestines are hot.

~*Linds*~ says: And all smeared in shit.

...

~*Linds*~ says: Okay. Admittedly, that went beyond the boundaries of good taste. Or even bad taste, to be honest.

He who saw the deep... says: See, sometimes what we imply is okay. There's no need to go further.

~*Linds*~ says: I know, I know; but I so love to push it further.

He who saw the deep... says: I've got scars on my back to prove it.

~*Linds*~ says: See, I do this shit all the time!

...

I think I pushed the limits with someone during a discussion via IM on Plenty of fish, when he made some comment about swimming in ocean water. Specifically in English Bay, here in Vancouver... I said I didn't like it, because I didn't like the taste of salt water and dirty diapers in my mouth.

He who saw the deep... says: lol!

~*Linds*~ says: He logged off briefly after that. I can't fathom why...

Overheard / Pure, Unadulterated...

Eeeeeevil.


Am I the only one that thinks this "man" looks like a vampire?

(Currently this is my MSN, Y! Messenger and AIM display picture. This conversation is with my cousin, Andrew.)

I feel like a frog, jumping from one idea to the other. says: Cleanliness is next to godliness. Right, vampire pope?

~*Linds*~ says: vampire Pope says "Yes, Andrew; now come be my altar boy. Bottom's up!"

I feel like a frog, jumping from one idea to the other. says: Only on one condition, vampire Pope.

~*Linds*~ says: vampire Pope says "What is that, my little soon to be violated one?'

I feel like a frog, jumping from one idea to the other. Says: You have to dissolve the religion and start fresh.

~*Linds*~ Vampire Pope says "No dice".

I feel like a frog, jumping from one idea to the other. says: LOL

obligatory...

Drunken post.

why is this so danmed funny?



because I think i'ts funnier than fuck.

The same with this pic.

Sooooo funny. Soooo truamatixing/.

Myspaec has to be good for something, right?

Yeah! 5 double gin and OJ and 3 china white shooters and no dinner afe a bad combintaion thing.

Okay. My eyes are burning. TimE to go sleep.

Yoinked... From Myself. How Lame.

I AM: Not happy in the living situation I'm in. Again. I'm moving in the middle of October, most likely. This time I'm staying in the same space for at least three years. I hate this shit.
I WANT: Stability.
I WISH: That things would go smoothly for once.
I HATE: Nagging, Feeling claustrophobic, Long rides on public transit.
I MISS: Being genuinely happy and Feeling carefree.
I HEAR: B-Boy's makin' with the Freak Freak by the Beastie Boys, my fan in my room, the sound of my teeth grinding together.
I WONDER: If I'll ever get married and have children.
I REGRET: Things falling apart with my current roomie, and also how my relationships fail.
I AM NOT: Taller than Liz. Fit. A potato chip.
I DANCE: When I hear something good.
I SING: Everyday. Or at least hum.
I CRY: ocassionally. More often than not lately.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: A hard worker.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: any baked good, or food dish and usually cook it to perfection.
I WRITE: In bed, in the evenings, after work, while feeling like falling asleep.
I CONFUSE: My lefts and rights. Yeah. I think I might be borderline retarded.
I NEED: A 400-500 dollar bachelor suite in New West. Stability. More money.
I SHOULD: Get new glasses, learn how to not freak out in a relationship, learn how to handle my finances, Do my taxes.
I START: Things with a passion.
I FINISH: Things slowly, if at all, unfortunately.

The Hardest Thing To Say, And The Thing They Want To Hear The Least...

Is "No".

Me: "No, I'm sorry, we don't do refunds on something that you purchased over a year ago and don't have a reciept for."

Lady: "But it's not even a year old. How can you tell me that it's not under warranty?"

Me: Ma'am, I hate to break it to you but the company changed names approximately a year and a two months ago, so if you're bringing me something with a *blanked* company name on it, it's been in your possession for far over a year, and therefore isn't even covered under it's one year manufacturers warranty."

Lady: "A year, a year and a half... What does it matter? I bought it here! You should replace it!"

Me: "As matter of fact, we don't even carry that product in the store anymore. It's been discontinued, and any remaining merchandise with that product code has been devalued to zero dollars, and most likely destroyed."

Lady: "But it was a sixty dollar item, and now you're telling me it's worth nothing?"

Me: "I'm sorry ma'am. I don't have any control over what the company decides to keep and discard in the company stock."

Lady: "Well this is bullshit. I paid good money for this and now I get treated like shit."

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way, Ma'am. I've been nothing but polite and professional with you. I can't change the situation to make you happy."

Lady: "Fucking ridiculous."

Me: "Well, at least one of us is. I have a feeling it isn't me. Have a nice day."

Must Stay Awa...*Snknxxxxxx...*

Well my "Friday" night was just shot to hell.

I've been burning the candle at both ends for far too long the past few weeks, and it has finally caught up with me.

I dunno if any of you people reading have played "The Sims", a very addictive computer game good for robbing human beings of many hours of real life by PLAYING being another person. (Though most people I know actually create themselves, but far sluttier.)

Much like the little characters in The Sims will do while walking around, I literally fell asleep on myself tonight. I fell asleep on myself sitting on my back patio for an hour, and then finally woke up enough to groggily drag myself to my bed where I think I died for roughly, Oh, 5 and a half hours.

Dang.

With split days off, you tend to appreciate the 'night before the day off' far more than usual, because it's tacked on to that added 24 hours of not attending work. I mean, come on, me! (shut up, before you even start...) I've got designated "sleep" hours, how come they've got to intrude on my designated "all hepped up on goofballs" hours?

Bah.

-----------------

Oh, on a completely unrelated topic, I've realized that I have bigger cojones than my ex-boyfriend, when it comes to finishing things off...

I'm very tempted to send him an email asking him to please reattach his balls and reinsert his spine, so that he can bring it upon himself to finally deliver my delerium CD back to me.

It's not really the fact that he has the cd. Sure it's an import, Sure it's a rare CD. Sure, it was a birthday present from two of my very close friends. That being said, it's just material property, and I can always buy another one.

What kills me on this whole situation, is that he totally used me for his own ends, and led me on. He lied to me. He tread on my generosity as a person, in order to get what he wanted. Or at least it feels that way to me... So barring those facts, the only things I am really passionate about is my music, my writing, and my design.

So why on God's green earth, would I allow him to take something that belongs to me, and that I'm passionate about, and call it his own? Does this make any sense, or am I just totally out of my gourd?

Yes, I realize this is petty. I realize that if I sent him that email, that it's hurtful, and spiteful, and nasty and bad-intentioned, and brings me down to his level. I also know Karma is a bitch, so I wouldn't send it in the first place. But he hurt me. So bad. It's almost painful to resist striking him back where it hurts him. Like a rattler.

I know I'm dragging it on, and I'm lingering in this negativity, but why do I always have to be the nice one, and the mature one, and the one that has the balls to call it quits because he would quite happily let it turn drag on for another month of loneliness, just because he could, and because he couldn't sum up the courage to break it off earlier? It's a coward's way out of a relationship.

And why do I have to be the one that has to keep my chin up despite blow after blow to my self-esteem where I'm made to feel like an unvalued human being, and an unwanted person? And needing to keep the water rolling off this duckie's back? I already know the answer, "Because no one else will do it for you, Linds." I know this. I'm just tired.

I'm not made of stone. Just cement. It was one of those cheap mixes, you can buy at Walmart, and it's chipping away rather quickly.

I just... Well, I wish I wasn't so angry. I wish I knew how to isolate that one part of me, and just toss it in the garbage. Is it the price you pay when you're an emotional female? Or is it just the price you pay when you're a neurotic freak? Where does the line exist between those two things, or is it all gray instead of black and white? Am I crazy, or am I just really hurt and don't know how to get over it?

I'm tired of dating "boys" that refuse to be held accountable for their own actions. A nice vehicle, a good job, and a decent sense of humour does not a "Man" make. Real men live up to their word. And I'm not lowering that standard, either. I don't feel I should have to.

And for once, I wish the ones that think they are behaving in an adult manner whilst sabotaging/undermining others feelings and deeds only to further themselves and make themselves feel better, would feel the jagged, icy shaft of karma sticking it up their pooters.

Hard. Repeatedly. With no lube.

Perhaps smeared with Cayenne Pepper paste. Yeah. That's it.

Actually, I'm tired of dating at all.

And on that note, I'm going back to sleep.

Showing A Little Soul...

My newest Soul, Motown and R&B mixed CD, Fresh from my iTunes Library:

1. Love And Happiness - Al Green

2. Ain't No Way - Aretha Franklin

3. Something's Got A Hold On Me - Etta James

4. Papa's Got A Brand New Bag (Pt. 1) - James Brown

5. What'd I Say - Ray Charles

6. Just The Two Of Us - Bill Withers

7. Tired Of Being Alone - Al Green

8. Chain Of Fools - Aretha Franklin

9. What Would I do Without You - Ray Charles

10. Son Of A Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield

11. Here I am Baby - Al Green

12. I Just Wanna Make Love To You - Etta James

13. Sweet Inspiration - The Sweet Inspirations

14. I Pity The Fool - Bobby "Blue" Bland

15. It's A Man's Man's Man's World - James Brown

16. Let's Stay Together - Al Green

17. Hallelujah I Love Her So - Ray Charles

18. Right To Be Wrong - Joss Stone

19. Waiting For You - Seal

20. I Got You (I Feel Good) - James Brown

21. Tell Mama - Etta James

Borrowed...

What is life all about?

Life isn't about keeping score.

It's not about how many friends you have, And not about if you have plans this weekend or if you're alone.

It isn't about whom you're dating, whom you used to date, how many people you've dated, or if you haven't been with anyone at all.

It isn't about whom you have kissed,

It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have,

Or what kind of car you drive.

Or where you are sent to school.

It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are.

Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to.

It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown Or if your skin is too light or too dark.

Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are.

It's not about what clubs you're in or how good you are at "your" sport.

But, life is about whom you love and whom you hurt.

It's about whom you make happy or unhappy.

It's about keeping or betraying trust.

It's about saying something and actually doing what you say. Actions speak louder than words.

It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon.

It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening.

About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.

It's about what judgments you pass and why.

And whom your judgments are spread to.

It's about whom you've ignored with full control and intention.

It's about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge.

It's about carrying inner hate and love, letting it grow, and spreading it.

But most of all, it's about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that could have never occurred alone.

Only you choose the way those hearts are affected,

those choices are what life's all about.

Eavesdropping...

~*Linds*~: God, just sliced my finger open. Huge.

alan: Eeeew. Go take care of that.

~*Linds*~: well duh.

alan: :P

~*Linds*~: No! I'm gushing on the keyboard. As If I'd soil my mac that way.

alan: heh. smartypants

~*Linds*~: I just look rather dashing with two band aides wrapped around my right index finger.

-------------------------------------

At least I've got my priorities straight.

A Big Ball Of Fucked Up...

Oh, this is just super.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --