Hubba Hubba...

Racy?

Yes.

Flattering?

Yes.

Me?

I wish.

My Tit's ain't NEARLY that nice. And, they need some vertical barbells through the nipples. My hair will NEVER look that amazing, and my tummy will never be that flat.

A girl can always dream.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from My Family to Yours.
(Don't tell my mom I posted this one. I'd catch it for sure.)

Yeah, I know. I look like crap. Whatever. It's Christmas morning, I worked a full, insanely busy shift yesterday, and I REALLY don't feel like doing my hair and makeup. Hell. I didn't feel like GETTING up this morning.

You can tell I'm a grown-up when I decide to sleep in later than my parents on Christmas morning.

The best present, (and one of the four I recieved) is by far my best of Stevie Ray Vaughan collection from the parental units. SWEET. It was the one I was drooling over in the local music store, a month and a half ago, that I refrained from buying because it was about 40 bucks for a 2 disc set. That's 30 songs. Very, very nice.

My Dad said that if he knew it was this good, he would have kept it. Suckah Fool!

Merry Christmas Folks.

Just a quick wish...

For Y'all to have a VERY merry Ho-ho.

Hope the Jolly fat man brings you all you wished for.

If he didn't just hope that you were around people you love, because in the end that's all that matters.

Cheers,

Catch Ya on the flip side.

Linds.

Oh By the way... Nothing beats sitting in front of my parent's 37 inch Flatscreen T.V. and watching "Log." (I'm NOT really doing that, of course... Although it IS on in the living room...)

It's a running joke in my family that "Log" is utterly captivating. Sure. I especially like that Hairy Girly/Manly (I've yet to figure out exactly what gender it belongs to...) hand that replaces that top peice of wood every twenty minutes or so on the Video loop.

Actually, this year, they renamed it "Burning Log" No shit. Talk about redundant. Ahhh. The miracles of Digital cable.

Holy Hannah!

She's ALIVE!

And kicking too might I add.

I've been busier than anything lately, here's a brief rundown of the past month for me:

1. I quit my job.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I said "sayanora" to Safeway. No more belittling comments from supervisors, no more ridiculous rules that don't make sense to anyone but management, no more shifts spent in a blind panic knowing that they should have more than one person doing three peoples tasks at once, (and of course all done to perfection.) No thank-you.

I knew my company record with Safeway was more tarnished than Grandma's silverware, so I decided to go out with Panache. Yup yup, I gave em a whole two days notice. Whee fun. It would have been even MORE FUN to give them my notice two days before Christmas, but I'm not entirely evil... Really I'm not. I'm sure somewhere down the road that teeny bit of notice I gave them is gonna bite me in the ass somehow, but quite honestly Scarlett, I don't give a damn.

I'm still waiting on my Holiday Pay to be mailed to me from Calgary. That delay was making Christmas shopping a little tight, but I dipped into my Line of Credit a little to make ends meet.

2. Got a new job.

Three days after I quit working at Safeway, I was hired on the spot at a little European style bakery near where my old apartment is located, I walked in, dropped off my resume, and left with a job in a grand total of three minutes. Cool eh? As it stands, I get more hours than any other girl working front end in the place.

I took a three dollar cut in pay, but it's worth the loss in wages to save my sanity. The stuff this Baker makes is AMAZING, all real whipping cream, real butter. It's soooo dangerous to my waistline. I swear if it wasn't for my metabolism boosters I would be right back up to that magnificent size 26. (I'm a 16 right now.)

3. I Met a new man.

Yes, coincidentally enough, on the day I got a new job I ended up giving my number to a hottie that works in the restaurant downstairs from my new place of employment, and things have been gangbusters ever since. His three and a half year old son is very sweet, and seems to have taken a shine to me much to my delight. I'm just taking things one day at a time, and he's teaching me how to laugh at myself a little more, instead of taking everything so seriously.
I'm not counting my chickens, or looking at it in a negative frame of light either.

As it stands, I'm just content being around him and chilling out watching a movie. (Or like last night when I took care of him because he's really sick right now. I've always been a fan of Advil -- Cold and Sinus.)

It's all new for me to have a little boy tagging along with most of the stuff I do with my partner, but at the same time I'm totally enrapt watching how in love with his son he is, and how much of a good parent he is too.

4. I Spent Ten Thousand Dollars, in an hour and a half.

Yeah. I almost puked when I handed over my tuition bank draft for school on Thursday. That's more money than my brain can comprehend.

Now, I know I like to shop, but this was a little extreme, even for me.

The only consolation I can give myself for doing it was that I wouldn't be furthering myself if I didn't do it, and right now, it's all about me.


That's all I can think of off of the top of my head right now, Since I'm typing this out at Melissa's place...

At any rate, If I don't end up writing another entry in here before Christmas has come and gone, here's the phrase in my Christmas cards this year.

With wishes that the Joy of the Holiday
Season restores Hope in your soul.

(For those of you that don't know, hope is a word that means a lot to me, and not something that can be easily encompassed in words.)

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. I love you all.

Peace out.

Linds.

Five-pin is for Pussies.

Bold words. I know.

I went on a "blind date" last night with my Auntie Lise's co-worker's brother. Well... Him and seven other people. We went Five-pin bowling. He seems extremely nice. However, very, very shy. He did have me howling at one point with a rather smart comment when we all went out for drinks/snackies afterwards though. Bowling is on again for NEXT Saturday, but this time it's REAL bowling. Yeah, that's it. Ten-pin. And hopefully a few less people so that I can get more than 10 words out of him...

Dating. M'eh. Quite frankly I'm wondering if I'm up for a relationship.

I'm also wondering If I even want to date anymore. It's gotten to the point where lonely is a semi-permanent state of being, and I'm getting used to it.

I get more cuddly devotion from my body pillow, than from any male in my vicinity. The only guy that tells me he loves me on a regular basis, (and especially when he can see I need to hear it) is my five year old nephew. The saddest (?) thing about that, is the thought that Gad do I ever appreciate some completely unconditional love just for being myself, and for being the "Auntie" that he loves. I'm such a pussy girl that when he says it out of the blue, I get tears in my eyes.

Hear me out on this. It's not that I have no faith in myself. I know I can be a pretty decent girlfriend. (When I'm not being obsessive-compulsive, or analyzing things to death, or "what if-ing" myself to kingdom come, the way that girls ALWAYS do.) The thing I'm most frightened about doing, is hurting someone's feelings. Perhaps it's more along the lines of being terrified of being hurt again myself, so I cut off communication with people interested in me before they get too attached.

I really took Devin tossing me aside again very, very badly. I really should have known better, than to give my heart to someone that hurt me previously. I thought I had learned with Peter, but apparently I didn't.

Like I've told my friend Mark, when talking about our mutual friend Matty from work, the reason why I'm so protective of him, is that he's probably the sweetest 19(20?) year-old guy this town has to offer, and I'm scared to see him get jaded about love, like pretty much everyone else I know.

I'm jaded. I'm scared. And I feel lost inside myself. I've stopped my booty calls, I cleaned out my phone book on my cell phone, and basically am trying to renew myself. If that makes sense. Life is totally up in the air right now, and it's somewhat unsettling.

However, time is running short right now, I can't monopolize the parental unit's computer.

Good Lord. I can't wait until my course starts and I have a computer of my own to write on and not worry about hogging someone else's for the time I'm on it.

Man...

The things I do when I'm killing time doing my Laundry.

I created Ganatha, while browsing blogs and seeing how someone else had created a character on Heromachine.com. My Mom says she looks Drau, which is a Dark elf race that is Dominant over men, (Heh.) So basically it's a bunch of Dominatrixes running about telling the men what to do. Interesting.

http://www.ugo.com/channels/comics/heroMachine2/heromachine2.asp

OooOOooh! Spider!

Makes you wanna pick your feet up from off of the floor. Grody.

We got so many comments on our pumpkins this year I was totally stoked.

Pumpkins!

A few of the pumpkins carved. The "Hell Hound" (second from the left) is pretty damned cool.

Happy Halloween.

Yet another evening spent at my parents. I had a fabulous roast beef dinner cooked by Mom. Yum.

However, this afternoon revealed a lot of information. About school, and me moving into my Grandmothers place for a year while I take my course. I got accepted for my student loan from the British Columbia Student Assistance Program. Now it's a matter of getting a secondary loan from a private institution, and moving probably around mid December.

On top of carving at least four pumpkins this weekend alone, (All of them that looked wicked cool, if I say so myself.) all total, I did a headless horseman astride his horse brandishing his pumpkin dome of choice,(kinda like Mr. Burns picking out his dentures) a skeleton pirate replete with earring and bandana, a grinning flaming maw with flame eyes, and a very flamboyant "drag queen" face. Whee fun!

Needless to say, I dig Halloween. I've been helping my parents hand out oodles of chocolate to ghouls, princesses, pirates, spidermen, and Gad only knows what else. Not to mention the ones my dad said were "a tad underdressed" Ie. the street Hoors walking around... And I've been stealing a few dairy milks of my own for all the hard work. Not to mention lookin totally HOT in my dad's fur accented Viking helmet. All I need is a gold plate bra and fur loincloth with fur trimmed knee high boots. That would rule.

I'm also watching the flick "Ice Age" with my folks. Damn that movie. There's two scenes that always make me cry. Now all I need is a boyfriend to cuddle with while I watch it.

Anyways. I can't monopolize the comp here long. I just thought I would give a shout out to everyone. Hope everyone is doing well.

A New Tale to Tell…

I conked my forehead REALLY nicely at the Duff last night, as my feet seemed to decide to trip UP the stairs.

I felt like a complete arse.

It would have been okay, if no one had been around to witness my foray into ineptitude, but unfortunately/fortunately; Melissa was there to help me to my feet. I say unfortunately, because it was VERY embarassing, and the last thing I wanted was someone NOTICING me acting like an idiot. (I couldn’t even blame alcohol.) And fortunately, because it’s nice to know that someone cares about me enough to be concerned. Elizabeth got a front row ticket to my premiere dive-bomb performance, being in the DJ booth. It was a mixture of amusement and concern all around. I’m well known to snarl when I injure myself and people ask me if I’m okay.

However, I managed to merely hold my head and go:

“Ow, ow, ow, ow. No, I’m okay. Yeah, I’m fine… I’m SURE I’m fine!

…

…Fuck that hurt.”

I guess that’s what I get for so eagerly wanting to see hot naked men covered in baby oil. I do believe I’ve posted before that I can usually be graceful, with stunning moments of dazzling clumsiness that overshadow any of that grace. Or something along those lines. It was one of my first posts, about trying to remove my fingertips at work. Damn genetics. It’s either that, or I’m the true Taurus example of “The Bull in a China Shop.” Except it’s “The Bull in the Gay Karaoke Lounge.”

It also serves me right, for bounding up the stairs (There are only two of them, you figure I couldn’t possibly fuck THAT up, but lo and behold, the bumbler, stumbles.) like some sort of demented, mildly retarded superhero. “Handi-Girl” to the rescue. *Rolls her eyes*

You would have to have seen it to understand what I’m talking about. (And thank gad you didn’t.) Just picture “Superman” flying with one fist aimed upwards and forward, and one arm crooked behind me… That sort of explains it. Sort of. *Grumbles* “Up, up and away!” Whilst flopping out of the windowsill. Dammit.

That’s a reference to a VERY politically incorrect, hysterically funny series of skits from “In Living Color” entitled “Handi-Boy” if my memory serves me correctly. (If anyone was wondering.) I hope I have the theme song running through EVERYBODY who used to watch its heads now…

Bwahahahahaaaa! I bet it is too! “You can do what you want to do, In Living Color…”

At least I eventually DID get to see the end of routine that had a naked man who went from cowboy, to being covered in baby oil. Wearing the hat, the chaps, the boots, and then thong, and then, Poof! Nothin’. (With FIRE on stage even! Whoo dawgie! Giddy-up!) I’ll never think the same of “Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi anymore.

Hey, gimme a break, it’s the second male stripper I’ve ever watched. I go for the Karaoke, not the peckers bouncing about on stage next door.

However it was only after at least 50 people had potentially seen me take a dive, trying to make face with the wall. AFTER a very well received rendition of “Respect” of course. Thusly, goose egg on forehead, headache included, I left early from Karaoke because I had to work today at 8 AM.

Oh well.

The subsequent combination of my dome, colliding with unyielding wood wall paneling, has left me feeling a little overwhelmed with emotions that I either suppress, or just usually ignore.

It’s VERY odd, and not at all pleasant. I probably have a minor concussion from that moment of comedic clumsiness. Well, shit. At least I THINK I might have a minor concussion. I’m probably just over-analyzing it as usual, since I’ve never HAD a concussion. All I know is that there is a VERY tender spot on the top left part of my forehead, that is thanking that wood paneled wall, and my obviously way too big feet, combined with my poor co-ordination, profusely.

I did however, learn one thing this morning that I pretty much guessed, and that is that I can do my job on auto-pilot while thinking entirely of something else. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not, but I guess that depends on what perspective you choose to have. I’m remaining fairly neutral on it.

My mom is okay. Which is quite a relief. I won’t get into details, because that’s highly personal. All I know is that I’m glad that my mom won’t kick the bucket when I’m not able to cope with it. (In all actuality, I don’t think I could ever handle that very well.)

My finances, however, are in horrifyingly bad condition, due to a very large error in judgement on my part for choosing to help a “friend” who turned out to be a manipulative, self-centered Cunt. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to have to call the R.C.M.P. fraud department on Monday, because the money she promised to be paid back hasn’t been given to me, (It’s not chump change either.) And she doesn’t seem to answer her phone when I call anymore… Hopefully, I won’t have to file for bankruptcy soon.

Let’s just say I learned a VERY valuable lesson from all this bullshit about guilt, and people using it to manipulate you, when they claim to be you’re “friend.” If they use it, they are most definitely NOT your friends. I’ve probably learned more than just ONE lesson. Hopefully it doesn’t break me to learn them.

My love life (HAH!) is sporadic and unfulfilling, and it seems that I might just become that old, fat, multi-cat owning hermit lady in a Muumuu that yells at neighborhood kids to “Get off of my damned front lawn! Can’t you read the sign? Damned kids!” While shaking my fist furiously, that I always seem to joke about. M’eh. C’est la vie. I just have to get over that stubborn obsession with picking the WRONG men. Either they are a thousand miles away, (or more…) too old for me, too YOUNG for me, Gay, (*sighs* My illusions about gorgeous Aaron from the Dufferin were shattered ruthlessly last night… Curses, foiled again, Batman.) Or they were just NOT what I was thinking, or looking for. (Either that or I was thinking with the wrong body parts again. Yes, women do it too.)

Fuck it.

I’ve read SIX books in a week and a half, mostly Science Fiction. I guess it’s a kick that I’m on right now. Not being able to chat online and all. I’ve also been sleeping WAY too much lately. Ooh. Party Animal. *Bangs on some drums* (Yes, I even toss in a Muppets reference every now and then too. I’m a fully-fledged dork, I’m allowed.)

Everyone I know has been pretty sick lately, fighting off that nasty flu that is going around, including myself. I think I might have had a touch of it earlier this week. (Just for a reference, my week starts on Sunday, not Monday.) Gotta love the 7 days a week that is retail.

My boss has been NICE to me for the almost a month and a half now. I’m just WAITING for him to return back to normal, and am not taking this respite from his tyrannical tendencies with any degree of seriousness.

My attempt at writing a novel is very slowly happening. It’s much like that stint at scriptwriting in High school, except for the fact that I can include such things as drug-use, swearing, violence and pretty much anything else my 11^th grade drama teacher forbade me from including in my attempts, that was even slightly taboo.

Needless to say, it was a pretty fucking boring, stifled creative effort.

Now it’s a much different story.

However, I am finding difficulties creating characters that have depth. Two-dimensional characters are pretty damned dull. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been focussing on reading Anne McCaffrey and Orson Scott Card lately. Both authors have fabulous characters with depth and amazing intelligence.

Or perhaps it’s that I’m having difficulty writing about anyone other than myself. Which is disappointing.

It’s time to practice walking in other people’s shoes and really observe what is going on in life around THEM.

I have no problems creating realistic conversation, but the observations that they have around them, and that descriptive aspect of the story, during conversations, is what I’m lacking in.

The more I look at it, the more it reminds me of a screenplay, than a novel. Which could work, but in the end, it’s the novel I’m going for, not the screenplay.

Everyone has a tale to tell, and I refuse to think that my tales are regulated and restricted to that of my pithy existence. As interesting as it might be to me, it really isn’t that terribly important in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps it’s that stubbornness, which will push me past writing in the “Glamazon Shoe Diaries” although I don’t plan on neglecting putting entries in here if I can help it. It’s my creative monstrosity. And turn it into something that will entertain those that DON’T know me, or know me from what I have written in this experiment in my creative writings.

As usual, It’s been a slice.

*Muah*

Linds.

P.S. Save a horse. Ride a cowboy.

…And hey, try not to make face with the wall. It kinda hurts.

*grumbles*

Well, I went to the effort of typing out a blog entry, and BOY it was a doozy.

Unfortunately, Crystal's computer doesn't have a 3.5 inch floppy disc drive.

Damnit.

I'll get it up in the next few days. Perhaps a trip over to my mom and dad's on the way home from work... THIS SUCKS. Mom is fine by the way. So that's one good thing. More to come probably tommorrow.

See Ya on the flip side.

Linds.

Happy Turkey Day.

Just a shout out while I'm over at the Parental Units place for a feast extraordinare of Turkey.

Yay leftovers!!

Work has been insanely busy for the past week, being the week before Thanksgiving. I've seen enough butter pan buns to give Dr. Atkins heart failure. (Whoops! That already happened didn't it? Oh! I'm so macabre.) I've been TRYING to have somewhat of a social life while working so fucking much that my back is in intense pain in the evenings. There have been quite a few incidents of me falling asleep at seven o clock in the evening, or while soaking my back in the tub trying to relax my muscles. It will all balance itself out soon hopefully.

I'd like to send a quick prayer out to whatever God/Goddess is listening to help my mom.

I won't get into details, she's been having a horrid time with menopause, but the news that shocked me the most today, was that she found a lump in her breast a few weeks ago, and I just found out tonight. It hits home really really REALLY hard. It also makes this chord of terror run right through me, after knowing how much Devin was affected by his mothers death, and thinking that something could harm my mother, who is a beautiful, strong creature. And that if things go badly, I could lose her. I've never felt that way before, and it's terrifying. It leaves me feeling so incredibly vulnerable that I don't know what to do.

Today was a day where I felt so incredibly lonely that I broke down in tears while having a bath. Not something I do frequently, more often than not I fall asleep in the tub. However, with Elizabeth gone all long weekend to celebrate her brother getting married; I had been pretty much alone all weekend, except for dinner with a friend on Saturday night.

I miss Devin. As much as I berate myself for wanting him. I know it would never work out, but he soothes that savage inner part of my soul, where no one has ever really reached me. I just kinda hope I could have a conversation with him if nothing else... But that's probably wishful thinking on my part.

Anyways, I really hope you all are having a swell Thanksgiving. I'll try to have one of my own. Bad news recieved and everything. I think it's time to spend more time with my mom. She needs a stalwart friend at this time of her life.

And if you have any room left in your prayers, for anyone, send them out to my mom. I know I will be.

Love,

Linds.

A whole lotta info.

Hey, Kids.

As of Tuesday my net was cut off. I'm actually posting from a friends place. Hopefully shit gets figured out financially in the next few weeks, because it's a total fucking drag not being able to check my email from home, and write online.

I'm contemplating continuing writing on my computer at home, saving it to disc and tranferring it over once a week onto here from Microsoft Word. Just to get the writing down, because the fucking thing possesses me. I'm also in the midst of TRYING to write my first book, (Which is going slowly, and definitely needs work.)

Highlights of the past three days include my boss having a bird shit on his head while he was out for coffee. (DAMN! I wish I was there to see that!) And my co-worker Matty successfully hooked up with his long distance girlfriend from Australia who has moved here for a year.

Congrats Matty I'm super happy that ONE of the long distance relationships happening in the bakeshop went through.

Well...

Usually, I hate television. It doesn't get turned on under my own control, (unlike many other things) unless I feel like watching some music videos.

However, Elizabeth tends to watch TBS quite a bit in the evenings, and it's on in the background. I get distracted watching "Sex In The City" (which is HYSTERICALLY funny, by the way...) and have noticed a few television shows that intregued me and are advertised for viewers upcoming winter entertainment.

"He's A Lady" -- A TV show based on the idea that four men, (perhaps more, I'm just going off of the commercials) are put in drag "Tootsie" style, and live life dressed and acting like women. (VERY ugly women, but women.) I think I've been hanging out at the Dufferin too often.

"The Real Gilligans Island"-- A reality TV program based off of the idea from the sitcom "Gilligans Island." And I mean VERY based on the sitcom.

How much "technology" you can develop out of coconut shells and bamboo shoots is beyond me, but apparently that's the plan. Hey Professor, you had better be a regular fuckin' MacGyver, that's all I can say.

I can't wait to see "Ginger" tottering around in a gold backless evening gown, and stilettos in the bush. Perhaps it's the evil in me.

I'm also very eager to see what concoctions "Mary-Anne" makes to feed the crew. I'm predicting it will end up very much like "Bubba" on Forrest Gump. IE.) Coconut stew, coconut soup, coconut kebabs, coconut bread...

This is one fucked up version of Survivor... AND! I wonder if they are going to toss in the head hunting natives that visit the island like what happened in the show... Or is that too politically incorrect? I predict rapid starvation of the "crew" lost on this "three hour tour," and no Coconut shell CB radio is going to save their asses. ( I actually love the whole damned idea, as lucrative as it seems.)

HERE ON GILLIGANS ISLE!!!! Whee!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hear you calling and it’s needles and pins (and pins)
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don’t wanna touch you but you’re under my skin (deep in)
I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You’re poison, running through my veins
You're poison
I don’t wanna break these chains
Poison...


--"Poison" by Alice Cooper.

THE song...

That I'm totally loving right now.

It's a trance remake of Alice Cooper's "Poison." Done by Groove Coverage.

Imagine it done about three times faster, with a thumping backbeat, sung by a woman, with some phenominal two/three part harmonies in the chorus.

Yeah. That's what I thought. Yum.

I can picture this being played at Sincity, with the lyrical content.

Here's the lyrics.

In like Flynn...

Music of the moment: Ultra Trance 3. (various Trance DJ compilation.)
Mood of the moment: Exhilarated, Terrified.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ooooh yes, boys and girls.

I'm in. I got in the course.

I seriously thought I had blown my chances during the interview, but I ended up doing just fine. I recall winking at him teasingly when he said something banter-like towards me. Jesus. I can't turn it off. I actually said "Hoo-Hah." (Ala James Brown, think:"Hoo-Hah! Hot pants! Hit mehh!") When he told me I got into the course. Somewhat subdued of course, I know when to tune it down. However, I think he caught the reference because he just started laughing.

I should have listened to Jeff, and to all the other friends I have, that told me that my personality would get me through it with shining flying sparkly colours, but those niggling self-doubts crept in. I was actually in tears after I left the interview, Shaking from disbelief/excitement. I called my mum, with an overload of:

"OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGodMumIDidItIDidItIGotItIGotInTheCourse!!!!"

And then because I couldn't help myself, I called Devin to share my joy with him. Unfortunately he didn't pick up. Drag. I left a message anyways. (And then of course Liz, and Crystal D and Crystal B, Ryan, and Erik.) Ryan teased me by telling me I was going to become a total computer dork. (Newsflash for you Rylon, I already am! Hee hee.) Coincidentally enough, he called me about half an hour before my meeting, and I said the same thing to him both before and AFTER the interview. "I feel like puking." His only response was "Charming."

Elizabeth was screaming excited Downtown on her way home from work. I'm sure the office workers down on Dunsmuir really appreciated the shrill OHMYGODDDDDDDDDDDDDD! that resonated off of the office buildings.

I qualify for Canada Student Loans, which covers about 13,000 bucks of the course, and the rest of it I have to apply for a loan through the bank, to cover the rest of the course and the rent, food and bills portions of that year in school.

I'm going to be in debt for quite some time, but at least it's for a good reason.

While the sites I chose for my examples weren't quite what they were looking for, being relatively simple in design instead of spectacular, my vocabulary and oral skills (NO! Not those oral skills! You Perves!) got me where my site choices couldn't get me. Damn me for being a huge fan of simple web design, that is easy to navigate through.

It was recommended by the course coordinator, to expand my ideas on design and to "bone up" on design magazines in the Library and check out all sorts of sites in preparation for this heavily intensive course. I'm going to take his advice. I'll be damned if I'll fail when I'm given this opportunity. I know I can do this.

A guy I dated briefly, Steve, once told me that he could see "determination" portrayed in my eyes. Damned rights. I'm going to get what I want this time, by any means possible.

School starts January 10th.

Oooooh Mercy.

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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like it's better than yours,
damned right it's better than yours,
I can teach you, but I have to charge.

--Kelis. "Milkshake"

These are a few of my (not so) favourite things...(AKA My Pet Peeves)

This oughta be fun. Here goes.


1.) Money.

Well. Owing it at least. Having it is fine with me. Donations can be sent to...

2.) Stupid people.

Jessica Simpson for example. She just pushes me past my "dumb fuck" quotient for the day. The memory stricken old ladies that shop at my work SWEARING that we make this jam filled bun thingy, that we've NEVER MADE, every single week.

"Listen lady, WE DON'T MAKE THAT. We never have!"

3.) Skinny people that tell me "I'm fat."

Oh just fuck off. You're 115 pounds soaking wet. Next to me, you look like a goddamned toothpick. Get some body fat.

Everyone is entitled to have "fat days."

Just don't mention it to me. Most days feel like "fat days" to me.

4.) My assistant manager saying he's my "friend" and then being a hypocrite about me drinking WATER in the shop when everyone else is allowed to drink soda, or coffee, or water.

Bitch, please.

5.) Men that lead me on, and promise a relationship, etc... Just to get into my panties, and then fuck off when they wake up the next morning.

Honestly, if you just wanna fuck, tell me you just wanna fuck. I'm sexually open to things, and quite frankly I make a piss poor girlfriend most of the time anyways. (Liz grumbled quite a bit over this statement.) You might not get into my panties, but at least you were honest. (Which scores you brownie points, and a potential, "Maybe next time, honey.")

This is why I fuck my ex-boyfriends. At least that way I know THEY are a good fuck, they already know that I'm a good fuck, but a huge hassle in the long run. I've actually said "no" to men that ask me for my phone number when all is said and done. No one said I was nice. They just assume that I am.

I don't chase them either. If they don't call when they say they will, I don't chase them down for attention. I can find it elsewhere.

6.)"Fred Flintstone" style Lies.

You know the ones I'm talking about. When Fred could just tell Wilma he forgot their anniversary, instead of lying, and subsequently getting tangled up in said lie, making it bigger and BIGGER.

Just tell the truth.

I actually YELL at Fred when I watch T.V. and he starts lying in the cartoon. You fucking moron. All he does is remind me of My first boyfriend. You've corrupted several generations of men into doing stupid things. Thank you SO MUCH Hannah-Barbara.

7.) Really repetitive music.

Like "Rockafeller Skank" by Fatboy Slim. Don't get me wrong, I love Fatboy Slim. I just hate that song. That one, and "Hero" by Chad Kroeger. (But only because my first boyfriend played it ad nauseum.)

8.) People that message me over and over again, when I tell them I have to go.

I know I'm fun to talk to. But I have a life other than on here. I realize that I can be as annoying as everyone else, but when someone tells me "I gotta go..." or "I'm busy working" Okay yeah, you gotta go, or you're busy working. Ciao for now buddy, talk to you later. This also goes for people that substitute three letters for nine, in chat, (like H R U for How are you? Or the ones that relentlessly ask for your ASL? or WHY? when you won't let them view your cam.) I don't need an excuse. Deal with it. That's the beauty of controlling who can view your cam, or chat with you in chat programmes in the first place.

9.) People that talk to me like I'm stupid.

Yes, I cover my ass occasionally by acting like a ditz. I don't like it all that much, but sometimes you just have to.

Other than that, don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, or I'm smacking your stupid, patronizing face in. (OooOoooh, I'm nasty today!)

I have a co-worker named "G. I AM NOT AN OBJECT." Yes, that IS her legal name. When I asked her how she came up with it, I get an ephemeral answer of "Oh, I discovered it through transcendental meditation..." Uhm... Yeeeeah, right. After that I stopped attempting any semblance of conversation, and zoned out on icing my cupcakes, finding my interaction with them more stimulating. I mean, it's not even releated to feminism for Christ's sake.

She talks to me like I'm a toy poodle. It's all I can do to grimace a semblance of a smile when she walks into the shop. Listen, Freako, talk to me like a human. Even if you are retarded enough to change your name to that for the sake of "art" I'm not going humour you when you start talking to me like I'm a dog. Your original name that your parents gave you is beautiful. It's scads better than mine. Learn to love it, you gargantuan, spider-limbed, tree hugging hippie.

Jesus. I can't even tell you JOKES without worrying that you're gonna be running to the office to get me written up for "harassment." I tell you the ones I tell my five year old nephew. And even he only giggles a little bit.

10.) Teenagers.

I HATE teenagers. I hated teenagers when I WAS a teenager. They think they know everything, their problems are petty, a zit *GASP! HORROR! SHOCK!* is the END of the known universe! They look at you like you're stupid when you suggest something to them. They always have a problem with the "rents." Well honey, sorry to say but unless that's the amount of money you pay to your landlord every month, or the musical, you're using the wrong goddamned word. Life is a lesson. Please learn faster, thank you very much. And what's with the sounds they make "Psssht! Psssht! Whatev! (holding fingers up in a W shape) "Damn! Fo shizzle mo nizzle, nigga!" And what is using the word LIKE every second word... "Like Oh my god! And then he totally said like blah blah blah, Like blah blah like blah blah blah."

GARG!!!!!

Yeah. Puhleeze.

MmmMmmm that was a good rant. *Lights up a smoke*

These are a few of my favourite things...

Music of the moment : Liz on her Acoustic Spanish Guitar.
Mood of the moment: Mellow, Longing.

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1.) Listening to Elizabeth play her acoustic and singing for me.

She plays "The Rainbow Connection" by Kermit the Frog so sweetly it makes tears come to my eyes. Actually, she always sings sweetly. It's rare and very enjoyable. Occasionally I join in with harmony if I can think it up fast enough in my head. I love hearing her work on a song while I'm being creative writing here.

2.) Watching British Comedy, and Old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

I grew up on Red Dwarf, Fawlty Towers, and Monty Python. I grew up watching Bugs Bunny with my parents. I still do it occasionally.

3.) Butter chicken, Basmati rice and a Garlic Naan bread.

Every Thursday, I reward myself for surviving the week with a whole bunch of it from Curry Express.

4.) Skin.

I'm a hedonist. I love the feel, scent, taste and look of skin.

5.) Celebrating my time with my friends.

Crystal B, Crystal D, Elizabeth, Ryan, Erik, Allison, Melissa, Liser(Lisa), Norm, Murray, Dave, Dave, Dave, Chris, Chris, Chris, (Whoo my bois are in three's no less!) Sandy, Cass, a ton of others I'm not listing, but just because I've forgotten them at this point in time but that doesn't make them any less important...

People I miss: Charlene, Josee, Aiden V.

People I wish I could meet: Devin, Travis, Yashi, Glenn, Tory.

5.) Lazy early Autumn afternoons.

I love warm afternoons and cooler evenings, I love wearing a sweater, jeans and runners and just chilling out, going for coffee, or reading a novel on my balcony.

6.) My Apartment.

Its spacious, nicely lit, full of windows, and comfortable. It's got a view of the mountains that I always got to see from my parent's place growing up. It's got a huge corner balcony, and best of all... My bed, which rocks.

7.) Plain Dark Chocolate. Orange flavoured anything. Apple juice. Cranberry juice.(ZING!) Mocha Chip Frappucinos. Giant beef "the works" burritos from Steamrollers. Coca Cola.

I'm sure my Dad would be appauled that I've switched from Pepsi to Coke, being the Pepsi Purist that he is.

8.) Purses! Shoes! Clothing! Fashion!

I am a girl after all.

9.) Jazz and Blues. It speaks to me.

Old school rap, R and B, Hip hop, because it's not about the bullshit, it's about politics, and thoughts and Ideas.

Rock and roll, because it can be hard and edgy and full of emotion. ranging from joy, love, sadness, anger, and everything in between.

10.) Computers.

Writing, chatting, being creative, and helping/teaching my friends new things.

There are so many other things that I love to do, love to hear, and love to indulge my senses in. Things I can't list, and things I would have no idea of how to put into words. There are people I've met (and haven't yet met, and might never meet) that have left impressions on me, that have shaped my life, and helped me become the person I am today. There are places I've been to, that I might never see again, and loved endlessly. There are places I've always dreamed of going, and things I've dreamed of seeing. There is things I want to accomplish, and things I have accomplished and things I dream of doing.

And maybe... Just maybe, I might end up doing them.

Apparently...

Shaw Cable doesn't seem to know what "cut off my service" means. Whatever. We still have Internet and Cable. Which does alleviate that "Aw Dude! We're gonna be reading a lot more books." (not a bad thing, by any means.) deal that Liz and I had bargained with ourselves.

My soul feels blackened, bruised, broken and aged beyond it's years in places. However it's not the first time. And it's not as bad as it's been before from other people. I'm sick of looking for love. Therefore, I'm not going to anymore. I give up, and it's time to focus on something other than my heart.

My body feels worn down from the past two weeks. C'est la Vie. I slept for 18 hours. From 3:30 PM yesterday afternoon, to 9 AM this morning. I guess I needed the sleep. My dreams were unmentionable as far as I can recall. (except for the one where I lost one of my canine teeth, that broke in half and then I just had the other half pulled out. But I was drunk when I had that one, so I don't think my dreams are that predictive when I'm hammered.)

The dreams I was having a few days ago were mostly in regards to saying "Good-bye" in one form or another to Devin. They were painful, but more sad than anything else. I'll miss him. I still love him very much. Perhaps that's changed in the "way" I love him, but probably not. I hope he has a good, fulfilling life, either alone (which I very highly doubt, knowing his fantastic character...) or with someone that can complete him, because quite honestly he deserves it, (both the love, and the fulfilling life) more than he can ever guess. Perhaps someday we can meet as friends. He's still an amazing person to me. As angry as I've gotten at him in the past,(which to be honest, isn't that terribly often, and I never have held it against him, if I could.) I've always forgiven him, and probably always will. Knowing that every person makes mistakes, that every person finds out what their own feet taste like every once in a while, and that every person can shine in a situation when given the opportunity and the faith (or even just a glimmer of it) from the people around them, and the people that love them. That includes the ones that aren't right there, or even in the same country.

I make so many of my own mistakes, who am I to judge? Everything is a learning process.

You still rock the known planet for me, Dev. You're still one of the people I think of everyday. I'll have a drink at the bar on you're behalf sometime soon. And maybe a raucous evening out on the town with you sometime in the future. (After all, I did win a whole buck on the lotto today at the Shoppers Drug Mart. Too bad I spent three on the ticket.) I'll still call you this Christmas to wish you a good one, just like last year. (If you answer your phone) And you might get your present in the mail anyways. If you ever send me that monkeypaw.

The song that reminds me the most of you, at this moment in time, that seems most poingnant, is "Days Go By (acoustic version)" By Dirty Vegas, and "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. (who are fantastic live by the way.)

My interview with that program coordinator for Langara is on Monday. I've made up my mind as to the two websites I'm going to use for my URL's to show him. Now I just hope I'm what they're looking for. After that I have to hope that a student loan goes through without too much trouble.

Yeesh.

Totally unrelated issue:

I've come to the conclusion that watching "The Newlyweds" with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lechey is bad for my mental health. *smirks* Jessica Simpson is so stupid she makes my head hurt, (I swear to gad, she's an idiot.) and Nick Lechey is such a dick sometimes that what he says makes me want to smack him. (Although I can understand that, living with Jessica would make me quite an ass too.)

Just a note...

I'm not going to be online for the next month or so. Unfortunate circumstances have made it difficult financially, and I think I also need a break from everything online. I hope everyone does well while I'm gone, and if you have my phone number, you can always try calling me. (Hoping that that doesn't get futzpahed as well.)

The Dr. Seuss Purity test...

Music of the moment: (don't laugh at me! I'm old school!) Much Dance 90's (Compilation, disc 2.)
Mood of the moment: Highly amused, nervous.

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Go try it. This is the link.

I caught myself bursting into laughter quite a few times while reading the questions.

And no, I've never done it with a sturgeon, I'm not THAT fond of seafood. However, I have done it with a virgin. It was pretty dissapointing. *Shrugs*

I'm still wondering if the question "Have you done it with a fox?" is related to the animal or someone that was "a fox." I clicked it anyways, thinking it might just be the latter of the two choices.

Apparently I'm 60.0% pure, and 30% unique/weird... But I knew the second one already.

I heard back from the Electronic Media Design Program course coordinator from Langara. I have a meeting with him on Monday at 3:30 pm. I'm nervous as hell. I have to find two websites that I haven't created (that shouldn't be a problem considering the only one I have done was slapped together when I had absolutely NO experience with webdesign at all) After some hemming and hawing over what to pick, (Ah! Glorious indecision!) my first choice is Clubvibes, I'm still at a loss for my second one. Apparently it has to appeal to a select group as advertising, in a style that I would choose to "emulate." *Le Sigh*

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and I feel whimsical enough to toss in a few of my favourite quotes from the motion picture "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Monk:

And the Lord spoke, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

(The funniest thing about this quote, is that I saw the English crown jewel display at Metrotown a few weeks ago. They had the holy sphere in one of the displays, and when I saw it, all I could think of calling it was the "Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch." Damn Monty Python for corrupting me.)

---

King Arthur : I am your king.
Woman : Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur : You don't vote for kings.
Woman : Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur : The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis : [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Dennis : Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
Dennis : Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.
Dennis : Come see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed.
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Knight 1 : We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI.
Other Knights : Shh...
Knight 1 : We are now the Knights who say..."Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm.

And through Foggy London Town, The sun was shining, Everywhere...

Music of the moment : Ella Fitzgerald "Lover Come Back To Me" (compilation of her greatest hits. Large portions of this disc feature Louis Armstrong.)
Moods of the moment: Regret, unhappy, reflective, uncertain.
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Okay, its Burnaby, not London. The past few days the weather has been quite interesting. I've forgotten that during the fall and winter now, we get heavy fog coverage, when it gets cold and moist enough in the evening and early mornings. I can't figure out if I love it, or if I'm ambivalent. ARGH!!! It's all indecision in my head. *sighs*

I was quite good at making a total ass out of myself yesterday. It was one of those days where I seemed to be afflicted with "open mouth, insert foot" syndrome.

I'm starting to feel like a phenomenal fuck up. I know it's not as bad as I think. However I offended a few people without thinking yesterday, one person because I was impatient and not thinking very clearly, letting my frustration get the best of me. I'm pretty sure I really hurt his feelings. I'm so sorry sweetheart. I cried myself to sleep feeling heart sick. I offended one other person because I was overemphasizing something that I just should have kept my mouth shut on. And I apologized to her as well.

Regret is a bitter drink indeed. I feel like a total ass.

I sent an email yesterday afternoon, to an instructor for a Computer Media Design program held at Langara starting in May of 2005. Hopefully I get a response, because the course looks like everything I've ever wanted to do with myself. It's a very expensive course, but Full time, so I probably would qualify for a student loan. There's nothing like owing more money.

I've been having one particular daydream for the past month and a half, occupying my mind at work and pretty much everywhere else. It's a simple one, and a lucrative one that almost everyone I know has thought about at one point or another.

Winning the lottery.

8 to 10 million would do me just peachy. It's enough to pay off my debt, the debt of all of my close friends, and the people I love. I want to purchase a house to be built for my parents on the family property they have in Nova Scotia, I want to get my own love shack built with a recording studio downstairs, Fly down to Dallas, steal Devin away for a few months to somewhere sunny, and then to Europe, (If he lets me) to see and experience things I've only ever dreamed of doing. Come home, taking him with me, (Again. If he lets me, I'm sure an offer of him writing and doing whatever he wanted for the rest of his life would suit him just fine.) I want to offer scholarships to young people that have potential doing things creative, that would otherwise not be able to do what they dreamed of doing. I want to settle quite comfortably, take my courses in school, and start up my own businesses. Being a restaurant/bar in this picturesque location in New Westminster that I get drawn to becuase of it's look, style and history, which captivates me every single time I'm down there, and my own web design company.

Perhaps it's just the simple longings of my heart for the opportunity to love someone unconditionally, (which I'm not sure I'm capable of... It scares me and at the same time makes me so hopeful that someone would accept me for who I am in entirety, and my heart feels like it could explode from wanting it so much.) to help everyone I care about, and to finally succeed in something that I might just be very well suited for. It beats the pants off of a dead end bakery job at Safeway with no opportunity for advancement.

It's a dream that keeps me smiling even when I'm having the worst day imaginable. I feel vulnerable admitting these dreams/goals like this. I decided to do it anyways. It feels so childish living in something imaginary, and wanting it so damned bad that you would sell your soul for it... Perhaps its just escapism, which I don't usually give in to.

I have goals. I have my dreams. It's just that not many people know them, and that I'm terrified to admit them because I'm spooked that I'll get laughed at.

It's just time to start acting on them, which is why I wrote that instructor for more information.

That and spending 6 bucks for 2 draws a week on the 649.

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"I will ride my Red motorcycle into your heart, crash land my feelings on your door step, fling pink scented petals across your front lawn, and kiss you like pancakes for breakfast."

-From "Poetry in Transit."

Lost in translation...

If you're interested in finding what something means in another language, go ahead and try out the Babel Fish Translator. A very fun device. However, I've noticed that when you translate English into another language, and then back into English again, the words are twisted about somewhat.

Taking cybersex to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL...

Music of the moment: Big Sugar,"Hit and Run" (Greatest Hits Compilation.)
Mood of the moment: Highly amused

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I have to give Mizz Melissa and Mizz Elizabeth full credit on this article that Melissa found online today. Liz sent it to me after Melissa sent it to her, as an offline message on Yahoo. I think my sense of humour is starting to corrupt those women.

Now, understandably enough, I burst out laughing when I read it, but it does put a whole new twist on Cybersex. It's both interesting, and freaky-deaky at the same time.

I dunno if I would want to install this thing in my USB port on the back of my computer, and have my signifigant long distance other pumping away on the other end. Or have it sitting on the desk while not in use, and go off like some sort of psychotic sex toy, as the author of this article has commented. I'm sure I would jump when it started buzzing away out of no where.

And! could you imagine if someone, somehow, hacked into your vibe when you were using it? Sweet Jesus on a cracker! You'd be virtually fucking someone you didn't know! And what happens, if you gave someone access to your account or IP address or whatever the hell this thing uses to function or recieve stimuli, and then decided later on that they were a shitty "lover"? Perhaps they finished too quickly, or just didn't cut it for you, or that you weren't interested anymore, could they still access your toy? *shudders* Imagine coming home to see that thing shakin' and twisting all over the place because you left your computer on! Oh, my mind is going rampant here... I'm disturbed and laughing my ass off at the same time.

And since when does a realistic "lover" have pearls and somesuch nonsense? Could you cuddle your toy when your virtual coital activity has finished?

I must admit, however, that I thought of this kind of idea ages ago... (I'm a sick, twisted and perverted little bitch... I need no excuses... Mainly because I have none.) However, I found it a little more than slightly lucrative.

Well. There goes my ten million dollar invention, dammit.

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As for the rest of my day...

Work was insane. If you want any baked product(or Deli, for that matter) at a reduced price, just go to Safeway. Apparently the people in charge of marketing, decided that EVERYTHING needed to be on sale ALL AT ONCE. Muffins, Lemon merengue pies, "Dreamy Creamy" super kickass cream pies, carrot cake, brownies, bread, buns, Doughnuts, la la la... It's a low carb diet enthusiasts nightmare.

I had to work with Val, decorating today. She's still kinda miffed that I got her boyfriend banned from entering my store location. (Long story, I may have written about it in a previous post, but I honestly forget after over 28,000 words and over 85 entries in a little over 3 months. Let's just say that he pushed the envelope a little too far. I'm all for flirtatious teasing and banter, but unless you're my boyfriend, my knockers stay OUT of the conversation. Especially when your girlfriend is out of earshot and you know that you're not going to get a slap upside the head because she can't hear you go off about them. I might have a magnificent top rack, but you don't need to inform me of that fact. Hot cowboy or no. Thank you very much.)

Needless to say, the first four hours of my shift were a little tense, and the last three hours were VERY hectic. Although it was nice to see Matty, he's the cutest lil' peice of jailbait in the whole store, and I got a huge hug because he missed me for the month I was off work. Apparently the consensus at work is, that it was very quiet, and very boring while I was gone. At least "the boys" missed me.

Oh! And I found out that lemon filling, when you have your hands in it long enough, makes you look like you chain smoke 7 packs of cigarettes a day, albeit up to your wrists, and leaves you smelling like Mister Clean. FUN!

Congratulations are in order to Crystal B. Who passed her Road test with flying colours yesterday, and accomplished parallel parking (perfectly, I might add.) for the first time EVER during her actual road test. I saw my "nephew" Kirk (her son) yesterday too. He's going to be five in less than 5 weeks. It's starting to freak me out that he's old enough to be in Kindergarten, and speak perfectly understandable sentences, when I can still remember carrying him around Vancouver in his snuggly. His hair, is spikey and would look neat with gel in it. Crystal laughed when I said that. It looks wicked cool. (Yes, Davey boy, I stole your saying.) I didn't know that you could capture autumn sunshine in a haircolour, but apparently, he's learned how.

The hair colour title "strawberry blonde" just doesn't cut it.

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A kiss is when soul meets soul on lovers lips.

--Anonymous

Nighty night...

I just had this unreal nightmare... it was long and confusing, and I do want to get back to sleep, but woke up to get some water, and check out what the symbolism of a few parts were online, since my dreams seem to be so frequent, and freakily memorable lately.

Anyways, to cut to the chase, because I'm fucking tired...I'm chilling with Liz in the living room, I get drunk off of three sips of beer, Liz goes to bed, I get hungry, I'm trying to be quiet, but that's just NOT happening... So anyways, It involved me putting mayonnaise (Actually it was McChicken sauce from Mickey D's, but everyone knows that's just mayo, it's a drunken staple in our house. I never thought that I would dream about mayo, let alone that it would be in an Online Dream Dictionary...) and my microwave breaking down, with my subsequent throwing out of said dirty, smoking, busted down, bitch of a microwave, that continued to try to cook things, including my hands, like microwave possessed, even after unplugging it, by whipping it around my head, and tossing it off the balcony. (By the cord no less. Apparently I'm Superwoman...)

No nothing kinky. Unfortunately.

So according to this dream guide, apparently to see or eat mayonnaise in your dream, represents disappointment in your waking life. It also indicates the occurrence of insults and disrespect in some situation or relationship. To see a microwave represents quick and logical thinking. Or so I gather from the brief scan through that site I did while sorta groggy and squinting because I'm not wearing my glasses.

Apparently my subconcious is telling me that I'm not happy with my situation right now, and that my quick and logical thinking is degrading. No shit.

Happy thoughts.

Fuck, why can't I dream of winning the Lottery like normal people? No, I have to microwave Mayo, inebriated.

I KNOW I'm not happy with my situation. Can't my brain just let me fucking chill out for the evening? Or does it constantly have to rub my nose in my unhappiness? I spent the hour before I fell asleep staring up at the ceiling, THINKING until I fell asleep. Sometimes I just wish I could turn the brain off for the night.

But then again...

I'm ready for my close-up, Mister Deville...

Music of the moment: Alicia Keys, "The Diary of Alicia Keys."
Mood of the moment: Reflective.

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I had a great discussion with Devin today. I don't know if "happy" is the word to describe how I feel from it, or just "satisfied." Perhaps it's a mixture of both. It's rare that I get the chance to talk to him for more than 20 minutes at a time, and to have the luxury of over an hour of frequent conversation, was definitely a good thing. I even shed a few tears, which he doesn't know about. If I was sexually active, I would think I was pregnant, but since I'm not, then I'll just wonder what the hell is going on with my emotions, and try to sort them out. I learned things I never knew about him today, and he learned things he never even guessed about me. It's obvious our relationship is something VERY worth exploring. It feels like he never went away. It feels like I've known him for my whole life and still get to learn things about him. It's liberating. It feels like he completes that part of my soul that I never knew existed. For that alone I'll always love him. Its the fact that I can just be myself when talking to him. Which I've never had the chance to do before. I've always been so guarded revealing my soul to someone. I'm still scared to show him a few things about myself, because I don't want him to run away.

He surprised me with a phone call this afternoon, which was awesome, and completely unexpected. It made my day.

I've noticed a developing trend in my personality. It's that I'm getting milder. I'm not meek. Just more mellow. I've always been passionate, more than most people would express themselves. I don't know exactly what caused this particular trait... It's not necessarily a bad thing, but not terrific either. I can't dwell in the past, which was never that fabulous, and certainly can't continue thinking too far ahead or I'm going to drive myself nuts.

It's not to say I'm content living in the now, because I'm not. There are things I would rather be doing than working for Safeway, living way too far away from the person I care about, and struggling financially. It's all a matter of perspective. I could be in way worse situations. I've BEEN in worse situations. So I choose to figure out what to do with the cards life is dealing me right now. It's only a matter of time before I get off my ass and do something. I should do it soon, but I'm a creature of habit. (Like most people I would hope.) I'm a typical Taurus, and get totally freaked out by drastic, unplanned change.

I remember when my last serious relationship ended, and how I felt. How devastated I was. I was in the car with Crystal D. Driving around aimlessly. (Which is our usual activity.) I said to her, "If this is growing up.... It hurts like a bitch." Life plans lots of crazy things to happen to you. If I knew I would be madly in love with someone living in another country, If I knew that my first boyfriend would be abusive, If I knew that I would start writing and how it would consume so much of my time... I may have never decided to do them, but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. There are never mistakes, just life lessons. And I'm slowly beginning to figure them out. It's just a painful process.

I usually like the skin I'm in. There's things I would change about my body, everyone has those issues, but by and large, I'm content with my body. It's the brain that's in this skull of mine that comes up with it's own crazy ideas. I find that I can annoy myself at times. I notice these traits that I do NOT like. However, every time I ask my friends that I'm with at that time if I'm bothering them in any way, I get a "What the hell are you talking about?" as a response. It's only my imagination getting the best of me. It's that nagging self doubt, that makes me second guess myself.

As it stands right now, I'm reading this post and going, "What the fuck are you babbling on about? Just delete this post, and go to bed you idiot..."

I won't though. I'll post it tonight, read it tomorrow, and if it still seems like gibberish, then oh well. It's up there. Not every piece of writing gets an A.

I miss Devin, but it's not the end of the world. I'll get to be with him eventually... and if that fails, then I'll move on after I learn another lesson that hurts like a motherfucker. But I can always hope that something goes according to plan.

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"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

--Anonymous.

Over the past few days....

I've had this extreme rush of hyper activity in my brain.

My creative monster was unleashed with this blog, and sometimes it takes over. It's a refreshing way to feel, after the way I've been lately, but at the same time exceedingly overwhelming. I'm literally vibrating with energy.

I think it's more that I feel inspired, Liz read my horoscope for today, saying that it was a highly creative day. A good day to start writing that book I've been pondering. Sure I could write a book. My mother has. The only thing is, what the hell do I write a book about?

I find the cyberculture fascination with blogs, and reality online, quite interesting. I've got my passions, and people seem to enjoy reading my blog entries, based on my life, and my experiences. I suppose it's the theory that everyone has a tale to tell, and that you can learn something from everyone... I'm obsessed with learning. I think I have an addictive personality. By saying that I mean not that I'm addictive, but that I become addicted to things. (Not drugs etc... But more on an intellectual level.)

I'm constantly seeking stimulation. I thrive on communication.

Erik once called me a "Communication Whore" something that I don't disagree with, or even remotely take offense to. I am a communication whore. I'm usually seen chatting, blogging, text messaging, talking on the phone, talking in person, singing, somehow expressing myself any way I can. I often wonder if it's just a grab for attention, or if I would wither and perish (figuratively) without this sort of behaviour.

I'm rambling. Whatever. I use this thing as an outlet. I'm not apologizing for it. *Winks*

I looked at the stack of CD's I took out of the CD book I was borrowing from Liz, and the amount of discs I've listened to in the past month. It's over 60 discs. That's just fucking insanity. I've written my reviews, you can read that I've actually LISTENED to them. They don't usually play in the background. There is always music playing when I'm home. I've had to replace my headphones three times over the past year because they have broken one way or another from overuse.

I'm thinking that from now on, I am going to list what I'm listening to as I'm writing, or specific songs that inspired me to write what I'm writing, or suit my mood.

to start that trend off, at this moment in time, I'm listening to Missy Elliot -- "Under Construction."

Random Family Guy quotes.

I happen to think the cartoon "The Family Guy" is hysterically funny. Apparently, this table is supposed to change every time you refresh the page. So enjoy.

Random Family Guy Quotes

Margaret Cho: Revolution

Okay, so I ranted and raved about how fabulous Margaret Cho's last Stand up DVD, "Notorious C.H.O." was. How I almost peed myself laughing because she was so funny.... (You can read that previous post here.)


Well. I have to say, her latest DVD release, "Revolution," was a slight dissapointment.

Margaret alternates between stunningly brilliant comedy, and voicing her opinion on several topics varying from Homosexuality, politics, and body image. However, she seemed to focus more on the inspirational aspect of her routine more than her stand up itself. Not that I disagree with anything that she discusses, but I rented the DVD for the comedy, more than the inspirational parts.

I think now that she's gained popularity and has a larger viewing audience, she's somewhat migrated from her original aspect, and using her celebrity status as a comedian, to voice her opinion that was more subtle in previous performances, turning the stage into her own personal soap box.

She'll always have her fanatical followers, myself included... But I honestly hope that she goes back to her original format.

On a rating out of five, I would give it a three.

Holy Moses...

Lots and lots to post, I had a horrifically busy weekend, and have neglected this blog in the process.

Friday afternoon I convinced my mother to attend Karaoke at the Duff with Liz and myself. She was nervous, but she did a damned good job. Even if she doesn't think she did. Way to go MOM!
I think I shocked her a little when we went next door to the dance club, and she saw me dancing. Whoops. Oh well. At least she knows her lil' girl has fun. She met a large group of my friends, all of whom loved her. It's hard not to love my mom.

I think the highlight of my evening was Liz doing a phenomenal job of "Alone" by Heart, followed by me. My only response, was "How the fuck am I supposed to go on after THAT?" And then proceeded to do the best rendition of "Respect" I've ever done at karaoke. I guess I can pull it off at times. I was happy. My mom was impressed, and as far as I know, had a good time. Which makes me VERY happy.

I was awake for a little over 23 hours on Friday, so I slept in until one PM or so, and was still shaky when I got up, but luxuriated in the bath, for at least an hour and a half, because I had a wedding to attend.

My Uncle Marc was getting married to his long term girlfriend Jessica. Oh my god. I can't say enough how gorgeous of a ceremony it was. Everything from the food, to the lighting, the restaurant, (Le Bistro Chez Michel in North Van at 224 West Esplanade.) Jessica's dress, the view from the balcony, everything was beautiful. I decided to go stag, since something prevented the person I wanted to attend with me, from coming.

I'm horrifically romantic at times, (Okay, okay. All the damned time... *sighs*) and I should have thought to bring some tissues. Thank Gad my Uncle Garnet anticipated this female need, and stuffed his pockets full. I started crying at the beginning of the ceremony, when Marc, lit a candle to symbolize my Grandpa's presence at the wedding. He died in 1997 on Valentine's Day. I never realized how much I missed him, and I think it hit me really hard. I also teared up quite a bit when my uncle got caught up in his vows.

I've been a participant in both of his weddings, and I think, now that I'm older, I realize how much the two people that are getting married actually DO love each other. When you're a kid, you think "Oh, they're just getting married so they can be like mom and dad..." No. It's more than that. So much more that kids never realize.

I got to spend time with my younger cousin Andrew and his very delightful girlfriend Jessica, both of them looked smashing. (Andrew, you Da Don. I kiss your ring.) And also, quite a bit of time with my six year old cousin Ashley. She's adorable. I keep on threatening her and her mother that I want to take her home because she ALWAYS gives me a cuddle, and seems to know when I'm lonely and gives me one. As a matter of fact, she's hard to not have cuddling with you. She prefers it over just sitting next to you. She's probably the sweetest demeanored little girl I've ever met. She's adorable. She looks like a cabbage patch doll. (Can you tell I love her madly yet?)

I met relatives that haven't seen me since I was six years old, some that hadn't seen me since Mamere's funeral, Some that hadn't seen me since my Uncle Jean and Auntie Eva got married, and some that hadn't seen me since my Grandfathers funeral in 1997. After my Grandmother introduced me to my Great-Auntie Jeanine, and another one of her sisters, The general consensus was one of "Oh My God! You're so tall!"

Surprisingly enough, in a few conversations with my Uncle Carlyle's wife Auntie Pat, she was telling me how proud she was of me for what I had accomplished and how I've matured. This blew me away. My mother was telling me the same thing on Friday night. I can't really see what they see in me. I've always felt, at least in the past five years or so, that I was definitely the Black sheep of the cousins, not really having a place in the family because I'm the oldest, The most opinionated, and the "bad influence" sort, because of my tattoos and my character, (I have quite the mouth, when I'm taken by the mood, although always watch it near children.) I feel that they are at a loss, that they don't really know how to treat me, being that I'm an adult now. The only answer they need is to treat me like they always have, with love and teasing.

I was actually quite nervous to go to this event because of the way things have been lately.

I did make an ass out of myself for the four years I was dating Peter, because my family didn't like how I changed for him. And I did change. I didn't know any better. I'm glad that's over. I learned so much from it.

I digress... (I tend to do that quite a bit, don't I?)

Congratulations are in order to my Uncle Marc, and new Auntie Jessica. (Although I've called her Auntie Jessica for at least 2 years now.) May you have a long, happy, successful marriage.

It was wonderful to see my family again.

Astrological Zodiac, (Both traditional and Chinese.)

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Burn, Baby, Burn, Dante's Inferno!

I thought I would give this test a go, to see where I landed according to Dante. The first time I took it I was banished to Level 8. I thought that was a bit harsh. Honestly I was distracted by Malcom in the Middle on T.V. So I took it again.

I'm pretty high up there on the Gluttony, Violence (though I don't really SEE that one so much) and Heretic levels too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The wretched King Minos has decided your fate. His tail wraps around his . body 2 times. (I think this is a typo, and it's supposed to say his tail wraps around YOUR body 2 times... I could be wrong though.)

The sweet light no longer strikes against your eyes. Your shade has been banished to...


The Second Level of Hell!


You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtle the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. (OooOooh, molesting winds! YES! Smite me! Smite me right there! OOooh, yeah baby...Mmmmh. I've been smote. Gimme a cigarette will ya, lovey?) You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate.


The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Test