"What, Did You BUY Your License?"

Album of the Moment: B.B. King -- "Why I Sing The Blues"

I've seen more car accidents and police pullovers in an hour-long span today than in the past week.

I don't know if it's the near torrential downpours that we've been having (seriously, an inch and a half of rain in 45 minutes last night.) Or the fact that more and more people have forgotten how to drive considering the gorgeous weather we had for the month of February, but I saw three car accidents and four police interventions today alone. Perhaps the cops are bored and mildly bitter, what with it being a long weekend and them having to stick around and, y'know, WORK.

I remember one time, coming back from the University of Santa Cruz in California. I was attending a conference on feminism, and giving a couple of lectures for the weekend that I was there. Santa Cruz University, in my humble opinion, is the most gorgeous campus I've seen in my life. Perhaps it's not so much the buildings, but you can't go wrong being in the California sunshine, with the beach walking distance (less than half a mile and very VERY visible) and an entire town based around the students and supplying what they want for luxuries. I was seven shades of green in jealousy over my political comrades educational digs.

I recall driving down the mountain with the person I had gone up there with, and it had started to rain for the first time in months. I saw five car accidents on the way to San Francisco International Airport, and was praying in my head that it wasn't an omen of how my flight was going to work out. That's how I felt today, in the car with Crystal on the way back from Old Navy. (I picked up a pretty bathing suit! Whoo!)

On another note...

I'm feeling pretty lost inside myself. I'm sure it's somewhat apparent in my posts, of which I've been prolific in writing. That's a sign that I'm uneasy in my head, I write like mad. Unfortunately my readers take the journey along with me.

I'm dissapointed in myself lately, and as much as I want to be a better person, I feel like I'm failing. It's hard to explain. I was thinking earlier, that I wanted to eventually be someone's pretty, intelligent, indisposable, strong partner in life. I'm definitely feeling disposable lately. (To no ones fault really but my own mentality.) I want to be someone's eye in the storm, that sheltered lull amidst chaos where they can find some relief. But more than that, I want to be the eye of my OWN storm. If that makes sense. I want to find that calm place inside myself where I can be my own peace, if I can't find it with anyone else, that I can return to when I'm feeling too overwhelmed. Truthfully, that's where I SHOULD be looking is in myself first. Right now all I feel is that I'm muddling around trying to make sense of it all. I'm sure, that I'm going to find out that after all this internal struggle it will be this epiphany of self-discovery, but fuck, I hate the process. It's not a deep pit of despair, and it's not this overwhelming feeling of depression, but it's somewhere in there, and I know that if I can find that place in me, I'll be fine. I just have to figure out where the hell it is first.