"Stop being so Goddamned Catholic..."

Guilt dogs my heels all the time. I feel guilty for not hanging out with my friends, I feel guilty enjoying the stuff I enjoy, like butter chicken, or shopping, or chocolate, or sleeping in on the weekends. Guilt plagues me regarding the fact that I'm not working, having a steady income, and spending time furthering myself.

I'm tired of feeling guilty. I feel guilty being tired of being guilty, for fucks sakes.

I'm tired of giving a shit about people disapproving of my actions, and I'm tired of being my own hardest critic. But no matter how many times I *say* that to myself, (sometimes I think it) I still do the same old shit.

I love my grandmother, but so help me gawd, she is the BEST at dishing out guilt trips in the universe. I just spent 2o minutes, from walking in the door, going to the bathroom, coming out of the loo, collecting my mail. You name it, the myriad of day to day things that you do when you come home, and for me after an hour and a half of public transit... I hate people. I've said this numerous times. I took this, I stood there, while she berated me, for not having a clean room, (because that so matters in this world.) talking to me like I'm 14 years old again, and all I could do was look at the wall, unable to fire back a nasty reply for all the bullshit that she tossed at me, all the stuff she was saying to make me feel like crap. When I KNOW that she talks nasty about me to family members, and I can hear it in their voices when they phone.

I USED to have pretty good self esteem. Then I moved in with a 74 year old very Catholic woman, and I learned that according to her, everything I do, and every ounce of my being, is something wrong. Every action I do is something wrong. Every word I say, every word that comes out of my mouth is offensive, or blunt, or crude, or inappropriate.

I mean, honestly, what else should I expect from a woman that attends religious ceremonies from a religious sect that thinks homosexuality is an illness, and all movies should contain a reference to God. Yes, before you religious backbenchers get your hackles up, I HAVE read the bible. It's a good book, really. Great fantasy literature. A bit dry in places, but hey, it's like 3000 pages long. You can't expect it ALL to be golden.

All heresy and blasphemy aside. I'm just tired. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of being berated when I come home, instead of being greeted back when I say "Hi, how was your day?" I don't wanna hear, "This, this, this, this, this, this, this and THIS isn't done, So-and-so, and so-and-so phoned while you were out, and I don't like the phone ringing so often." I want to hear, I'm okay, or I'm shitty, or I'm doing great. I don't need to be bitched out for twenty minutes over some spare change that fell out of my jeans pocket the morning before hand and is still on the floor, and the mis-matched socks in the top of my dresser drawer.

I DON'T want to hear about how much stuff is not where it *COULD* be because I moved into the basement, and rearranged my whole life, including all my possessions, like giving them away, so that I could manage to get an education.

I DON'T want to hear you talk to my friends about me like I'm not there, saying rude things about me, or even worse, saying rude shit to me WHILE my friends are there, and pretending they aren't there. It's humiliating.

I'd love to not feel guilty. I'd LOVE to stop being so Goddamned Catholic, as Damien said to me at the mall either yesterday or Monday. It's too tiring.