Up all night...

I'm watching the sun rise from the balcony, over the mountains, and it's beautiful.

But it doesn't move me like it used to.

I can't sleep.

I was tired earlier in the morning, but honestly, the thought of crawling into my bed, alone, AGAIN, isn't that terribly intreguing. Life was a lot simpler when I wasn't alone.

Or was it?

I can't tell anymore. When I wasn't wondering what the fuck was going on in my love life when it was simple.

Or was it ever simple?

When I'm dating around, feeling heartless. Feeling like I'm leading people on. Even though I'm completely honest. And I'm so torn inside.

I feel like a bad person.

I feel bad for having emotions.

I've been smoking too much, my chest hurts.  And thinking too much, because my head hurts too.

I feel bad for freaking him out. And I'm sorry I did, or even if I did. I'm sorry if a drunken phone call at midnight my time, made him feel pressured, or whatever the fuck else it did.  But I don't know if that's the reason why either.

I miss Him.

More than I let show. 

I miss his voice. I miss the conversations we used to have. I miss laughing at his jokes, or him laughing at mine. I miss him waking me up at 12:45 AM when I'm up at 5 AM and it doesn't fucking matter because it's him on his way home with a phone call.  And he has my heart. I would always pick up the phone if I was able to, for him.

Fuck...

I was angry on my way home this morning. Angry, and miserable inside. When you can't stop the tears when your on public transit at 1 AM kind of miserable.  Angry, miserable and questioning everything I was feeling.  And I didn't care. Let them see me cry. Let them think I was drunk, or nuts, or a combination of both, if it suits them. I still don't care. I wasn't any of those things anyways.

The sun is up.

It's another stunning morning.  

I'm going to go to sleep.

Or try at least.