WHAT is going on?!?!?

I'm in this fucked up exceedingly goofy sorta spaced out mood right now. It's somewhat melencholy.
 
I've had the laziest day in ages. It's my vacation, I feel exceedingly bummy. And as I was trying to explain to Liz on MSN, guilty for it. Stupid I know. both of us agree. Actually Tory agrees too. That makes three. (Momma, and Me, and Baby make three...)  Maybe its because I've gone so long having so much to do at once, that I'm completely unused to doing nothing. Gawd.
 
My music lately still seems to be Love Inc. Mmmmm throbbing techno beats.
 
I've been thinking about what I want relationship wise in the past few days. I want one person. He's too busy for me at the moment, so I've been dating around. They only seem to want sex. I dont want a relationship with anyone else. And quite frankly, sex with someone you dont care about isn't nearly as satisfying as sex with someone you do care about. It's actually quite depressing. The human obsession with sex is highly amusing, and understandable. People are sexual creatures, and I'm a highly sexual person too. But its not the end all and be all of civilization.
 
M'eh.
 
Truth be told, I'm highly uninterested in dating students. Or even men my age be it slightly older or younger. I'm not interested in dating people in unstable careers. people that can't hold a job longer than four months, Or even have careers that lead no where. I'm not interested in dating men that play videogames incessantly, or get savage kicks out of violence, or immaturity. (However, It's alright once in a while for the immaturity.) I once had a BF that told me that I was incredibly mature, for my age. I'm much older in my head, than the number it proclaims on my Birth Certificate.
 
Well, you deal with 4 years of abuse in your first relationship,  have a fairly horrific incident of sexual abuse happen to you from someone you trusted implicitly when your thirteen, and you tend to mature a lot faster. Not to mention that I didnt have siblings, and grew up around adults.  
 
Call me shallow if you will, or picky, or a bitch. I know what I want, and I don't want instability. I may not like my job that much, even though things are turning around, (And they are offering apprenticeships now)  But, I've been there for four years. Thats a lot more than most people can say.
 
On the same note, I'm sure I've excluded myself from people based on my personality, I can be negative sometimes, I can be whiny about my situation. I'm just sick of the SHIT that goes around.
 
To be quite blunt, I'm more than my pussy.
 
All I want, is someone to love and to love me for me, and for me to never doubt it. To have a sense of maturity and purpose that propels them forward in life. To have intelligence that makes them joyful to be around, to banter with. I might be greedy with my requirements in a relationship, but honestly, all I want in a relationship is affection and quality time. I'm quite happy living in a shitty apartment on the harsh side of town, with someone I mutually adore, than in a mansion with  someone I can tolerate.  I want someone I can spoil with love, that would do the same to me, all the while respecting self, identity and personal space.
 
This is are the qualities I see and the reason why I'm waiting for Devin. He might not see it, He probably wouldnt agree with me either. But I can. I've never really publicly proclaimed it before this. But all the people that know me know the reasons why I care about him. It's something that leaves me grinding my teeth in frustration. I can't be there to support him when he is in need, and he's not here when I need a shoulder to cry on. Some might call it stupid, but the people I care about, and that care about me in return, don't. (At least not to my face, and if they did, I couldn't begrudge them. I wonder sometimes, myself. But I stick to my guns.) That's how you can test the true value of a friend. When they stick by a friend that might have made a mistake.
 
You can't help falling in love. It just happens.