THE story...

Alright. Here goes.

I've come to the conclusion, even hung over, and exhausted from sleep deprivation and my first day back at work after ten days, that I can't stop thinking. My mind is always working, and half the time, it's thinking of ways to write a new entry for this effing blog. I woke up a part of my mind that had been dormant for a long time, and now it seems that the beast is quite restless.

I wanted to write about what I feel about "Online Relationships," but didn't want it to be some sort of bible-thumping rant.

Basically, I was involved in a six month relationship with someone I had never met. That situation ended abruptly, very recently.

You have to understand that for me, finding a man to associate with sexually, is not a problem. As a matter of fact, sometimes I feel that its entirely TOO easy to find someone to fuck around with.

What I had a problem with, was finding someone that I clicked with emotionally, and mentally. Someone that I felt I had a connection with other than physically. And an online relationship, is exactly that. (For me, anyways.) It's a way to find out about someone, to communicate, based soley on words expressed on a computer screen.

And it's horribly easy to be trapped in one.

So easy that its the third relationship I've had online. (And for the record, I've never really told many people this.) Call me naive. Call me foolish or stupid. But for me, that sense of emotional/mental bonding, was so incredibly alluring, that I found it hard to resist.

I met Devin on Hot or Not, as I've mentioned in a previous post, while I was dating someone else exclusively. He was a good friend. He was someone to banter with and tease lightheartedly. We had a lot in common. I was friends with him for about six months. We chatted online regularly, and on the phone occasionally, just as friends. Until my relationship with Erik, who I was devoted to, fell through.

Devin was there. He heard my misery, because the breakup with Erik was pretty unexpected, and the stories I had told him about Erik's and my relationship, after the split, I tried to keep fairly unbiased. He listened to me. He listened to me through my anger, and my pain and my regret. He lent me a sympathetic ear, and a calming perspective. He did what a friend was supposed to do. Even though he lives in Texas.

I had always been attracted to him, and after a while of being single, I found myself attracted to Him even more, based on that stability. Based on that caring, and all of the things we had in common. Based on his phenomenal personality, his intelligence and wit. And I fell for him. Even though I KNEW that he lived so far away, even though I KNEW that it probably didn't have a snowballs chance in hell of making it work out. And I said, to Hell with it, and tossed my inhibitions to the wind. "Love like you've never been hurt." they say. The communication with him never ceased, He sent me a Christmas present. I called him just to wish him a Merry Christmas and tell him I loved him, on Christmas Day. It was so difficult, being far away from each other, but it was so damned good at the same time. And it was unbelievably sweet. I loved him, probably more than I cared to admit. And I thought he felt the same.

His phone/net apparently was cut off in early January, of 2004, And I didn't receive a response from him for a little over 2 weeks to anything I sent him. I remained incommunicado with him for almost four months. I thought about him almost every day. On a whim, I had been looking at his blog and decided to see that if I provoked him with a response to one of his posts, if he would talk to me again. It worked. He had thought that my hurt questioning, wondering if he was alright, wondering if He had met someone and was too afraid to tell me, and finally just the words, "I give up." had blown his chances with me... No. I gave him another chance.

I don't think I should have.

He got a new job. He was working approximately 18 hours a day. Or so he says. I don't know what to believe anymore. I really don't. I tried my best to be supportive. But it was getting harder on me, to be alone, and I was dating around when he had stopped talking the first time. I paused on that momentarily, for about a month, and then continued to date other people. Hiding my status as "Long Distance Girlfriend" for the first while because I didn't want to feel stupid, and because most men, when they hear that phrase, they hear "Desperate for Loving. Will do anything."

And after feeling guilty for not being completely honest, I didn't bother to hide it at all, and made sure that it was one of the first things I said, to avoid leading them on. Because after all, I did have a sexual appetite, as well as a need for companionship that was not being fulfilled. I just clarified immediately that I was not looking for "A relationship." Because my heart belonged to Devin.

The loneliness got harder and harder to bear, I missed him. (How on earth you miss someone you have never met, is very difficult to explain.) I had discussed with him coming up here for a vacation of his own, and it was most likely going to occur to the best of my knowledge, when I went for MY holiday that I just recently had. However, unforeseen circumstances changed that, and I booked my holiday a week earlier than I had planned with him, because I had waited so long between them, and his trip was to be postponed until possibly September when I could schedule my next vacation.

I became somewhat demanding of his time, not that he had much to spare. And I can see from his perspective how that could have either irritated or freaked him out. Or both. But with me, if a relationship is not progressive, or if I am becoming unhappy with something regarding it (ie, our separation for such a length of time) I am most definitely going to speak my mind. I told him countless times, when he was at his wits end with everything around him, if he needed to confide in someone, to call me. If he needed someone to cry to on the phone, I would be there to be best of my ability. I tried my hardest to be what he needed, I tried my hardest to show that I was proud of him, and told him so on a regular basis, for all that he was struggling through and what he was achieving. But know that I failed in a lot of aspects. I can't lay the blame wholly upon myself, though.

I made the mistake of phoning him, after Crystal's barbeque, when I had had too much alcohol to drink and was feeling vulnerable, and alone, and leaving a rather emotional message on his Voicemail. But what else was I supposed to do? I had told him that I would be there for him, if not as a physical presence, than as a supportive, consoling, vocal presence. Was that supposed to be a one way street? I don't think so. That's not the way relationships, (even long distance ones) work.

Two days later, communication stopped. At least from HIM.

He stopped responding to my messages online, to my text messages, to my messages on his voicemail... He was online, and he wouldn't respond to me. That, I think was the most hurtful thing of all. You can block someone on MSN from seeing you online, and he didn't even bother to have the decency to do that. He just ignored me. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what to think.

Is he married, and his spouse found out? Is he disgusted with me? Is he tired of having to keep up with my somewhat demanding attitude for attention? I have no reasons from him. He won't even acknowledge me. All I know, is that I'm in a world of hurt, and I have no answers for all the questions running through my brain.

And that I'm through chasing him. As curious/frustrated as I am about what is going on, I'm not desperate, and I have my pride.

He's off my lists on Yahoo/MSN, and I don't plan on contacting him again anytime soon. Elizabeth says I'm being entirely too nice to even THINK of contacting him with the intention of salvaging a friendship. Maybe, just maybe, I will a few months down the road, to see if he strapped on some balls and can perhaps act like a grown up. I won't slam him any further, however him leading me on most certainly makes me think he deserves a fuck of a lot more than the modest amount I have.

What bothers me the most is that I honestly thought he was a decent person. It really makes me reconsider the way I look at people, and the level of trust that I give them.