Battling My Own Demons...

When I was working for Safeway, I was regularly on the shit list.

Perhaps, it was because I was sociable and outgoing. Perhaps, because no matter how hard they tried to break my spirit, I refused to let them, and wouldn't fit into that mold that they were trying to shove me into. Maybe it was just that I was CHEERFUL, and that bothered the hell out of them, because even though I was in a job I hated, I never let it show. Working there was tantamount to being in an abusive relationship. I put up with it for about five years, until I decided that them standing in my way for school was the last straw.

I took stress leave from Safeway in mid 2004, for approximately a month and a half. It was a combination of constantly being ragged on, feeling like they were always looking down on me, and trying to smother my enthusiasm, and backstabbing co-workers, in particular, the Head Cake decorator, who apparently couldn't battle her own green eyed monster, and took a strong disliking for the flirtatious behaviour HER boyfriend was tossing at me. (for the record, I brushed his flirting off, and didn't respond to it.)

For an optimistic individual who wears her heart on her sleeve, this was a horrible prospect to deal with on a regular basis. It made me feel weak to have to stop being at work, because my mental stability was becoming too fragile.

One of the main reasons I was so instable, was lack of sleep. I had sporadic shifts with start times ranging from 4 am, to 10 am, split days off (I never had a weekend together) and tended to burn the candle at both ends just to have a life outside of work. I don't even get the luxury of going out and doing social things this time around.

Today, I took the day off school. I feel exceedingly guilty. The only thing I did, was sleep. For hours. From midnight last night, after I completed my homework, until four pm this afternoon. Why did I stay home? I know exactly how it feels to be toeing that line of exhaustion. I'm no good to myself if I'm exhausted and can't focus on my work. Do I feel better after sleeping for 16 hours? Yeah, I suppose. I needed it. I hate the fact that I'm the most creative from eight pm until the wee hours of the morning, because that's when I do the best work, so I stay up late, working on my homework, in the hopes that it's better than some of the other stuff I'm producing.

It frustrates the hell out of me that I'm so weak.