Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Music Is My Heroin... Tunes To Groove By Version 0.9

To the Billy Idol Fan club message board, and all the controlling individuals that stifle opinion and creativity, Fuck off. Other than the removal of the album cover, the entire article is staying EXACTLY as written.

Artist: Billy Idol

Album: Devil's Playground

Genre: "Rawk"

Let it be known, that I LOVE Billy Idol. Or rather, I loved that pissy little shit that he used to be in the mid 80's, when "punk" was in it's heyday, and Billy Idol was in his late 20's, slender, scruffy, fairly attractive, with that lovely sneer and snotty attitude that was choice for the "bad boy" lover in all of us. Yum. As much as Erik harasses me about having the hots for Billy Idol, screw it. He was deeeee-lish, and I'm not apologizing for my opinion on that.

One of my all time favourite songs is "Dancing With Myself" because who DOESN'T like a song about masturbation?

Flash forward 10 years. When, I suppose, the royalties from his album sales have dwindled, and he's spent his money on what seems to be an ample amount of plastic surgery and time in the tanning bed. Sure, his sneer is still there. However, I think the Botox for his forehead, and collagen for his lips (I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Angelina Jolie would be envious.) makes it a less... Well... Snotty statement. And now he just looks like a cantankerous 40 year old longing for his years back when the chicks were sucking his dick ad infinitum, and the cocaine was probably what kept him so energetic. (Boy! You've got stamina!) Ah, the mid-life crisis. Couldn't he have just bought a sports car or gotten a 20 year old wife or something?

No, Mr. Idol decides that since his fame has petered out, to return to the world of music and ATTEMPT to release a new album. *sighs* I wish he hadn't. The only thing that sucks about writing my reviews, (and I normally enjoy this part) is that I have to listen to this album AGAIN.

The album starts off with "Super Overdrive" the title sounding like some sort of bad Japanese anime-style comic, and SOUNDING like a rip off of The Rocky Horror Picture Show sung by a musician who used to scream death metal. No. I'm sorry. Wrong on all counts. Do not pass go, Do not collect 200 dollars. Go directly to jail.

"Rat Race" sounds like a ballad that the new "Neo-punk" (see: shite) groups out lately would produce compositionally, but this and "Scream" are probably the closest attempts vocally at sounding like he did in previous albums.

"Plastic Jesus" apart from being quite amusingly titled, is atrocious lyrically. Sexually laden lyrics that are absolutely crass. (Coming from me, that's saying something.)

"Scream" this is probably the closest to seeming like his previous stuff compositionally and vocally, and also the song released to radio stations as his first release from the album. I think the reason why is to fool the majority of listeners into thinking that this album could quite possibly be decent. Boy are they good at pulling the wool over us dumb consumers eyes.

"Yellin' At The Christmas Tree" Uhh... 'Nuff said. The title alone, could make tears come to my eyes from laughing so hard. What the hell were you thinking?

"Devil's Playground" Compositionally, it's not too shabby, sounding like something Rob Zombie would put out. (Yes, I enjoy that stuff at times.) However, the pithy attempts at sounding "Badass" are relegated to references to Satan (which linger like a particularly malodorous egg fart throughout the entire album, even in the love ballads.) scratchy, forced screeching, and TRYING to laugh like a demon, but sounding more like 'The Count' off of Sesame Street. It's pure, unadulterated cheese.

"Lady Do Or Die" Billy Idol goes Country. Garbage. I've been known to belt it along with the Dixie Chicks and Toby Keith every once in a while, as well as owning music done by Hank Williams and Johnny Cash, so I'm no Country music snob. Perhaps it would come across as fairly decent, if he wasn't attempting to bring back his former image, and then slapping this oddball song on the album.

I know that I usually only review albums that I love, but I figure tossing in a few junkers every now an then would be a nice change of pace. I don't recommend purchasing this album, I want my 18 bucks back from Virgin Records.

At least I've got a new coaster for my coffee.

Out of a Glamazon Shoe Rating of 5 shoes, I give Billy Idol -- "Devil's Playground" a rating of 0.5/5 shoes.


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