Pissy...

Music of The Moment: "Miss You" -Rolling Stones (Dr. Dre remix)
(From the "Austin Powers--Goldmember" Motion Picture Soundtrack.)


I'm cranky, and my friend Jeff has told me in no uncertain terms to go take a nap. But I've got...

*thinks on the right way to word it...*

Well, I dunno if it's bunch of questions, or more just a few concern of mine, or maybe just some stuff on my mind that's irritating the FUCK out of me right now. (You'll notice the trend, this happens every once in a while. I think about 90% of the time I'm cheerful unless something is REALLY bothering me.)

First, let Lucy do some 'splainin'.

I'm in an interesting romantic situation. ("Interesting", is putting it mildly.) The person I care about lives quite a distance from me, and we've had an on again-off again, weird, soul mate-like relationship for 2 years come April 15th. Quite honestly, until I meet him, I really can't imagine being with anyone else, and I don't want to.

I'm not going to get into too many juicy details, but this is asking my friends on here, and the ones that know me in real life, the ones that read me, and get a sense of who I am, to post a comment and let me know what they think about my thoughts. Well, anyone really.

Please. I need some advice, and it's not often that I ask for it.

Is it fair of me to be irritated, and slightly jealous that he mentions OTHER chicks in his blog and that flirt with him on it on a regular basis, and yet he NEVER, EVER mentions me, or even acknowledges my comments? The fact that he says he reads my writing, some of my most intimate stuff, that controls me a large part of the time and is one of my passions. Yet he never posts a comment of his own on here? (not that he has to, it's just something that might make me feel that I'm a little more than the gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe, that once tasted good and is now annoying.) Or is that just an immature, I'm 24 years old going on 25, and mildly possessive thing? -- Hey, at least I admit I can be possessive, though I try my best to keep the beast at bay. I do pretty darned well at hiding it when I AM jealous. It's a well known Taurus trait that I battle with on a regular basis.

Am I making a mistake by being enthusiastic about knowing him, usually making the first attempts to talk to him on a regular basis? Should it be some sort of game where I hide and toy with my true feelings, and let him chase after me? Lord only knows I'd probably be waiting a while. I hate this shit. I'm a straightforward girl, and when I love someone, it's obvious to anyone that knows me. I hate feeling like I'm going out of my way to be "with" someone. Romance is a two way car crash, people.

Is it cowardly of me to NOT mention my little pet peeves, (of which there aren't many,) to him when I talk to him, because I'm scared he's going to take off again? Is logging off without saying goodbye mid-conversation an acceptable reason to not feel appreciated?

I feel SO unimportant, when I know he loves me, or at least he says he does. I tend to believe him. Don't get me wrong, he can be the sweetest, funniest guy in the world, I think he's gorgeous from the tips of his toes up to the spiky hair atop his head, and the wounded, shy heart inside that's capable of amazing things. He makes my day just by telling me he misses me. He most definitely has captured my heart. I'm just so frustrated right now and I have NO idea what to do, I don't get enough time to talk to him to mention shit like this when we could be catching up on what's been happening in our lives, instead. So do I shut the hell up, and stop worrying? Or do I struggle inside, wondering if I should mention it to him, and maybe lose him again? (And I know, if he leaves me again, he's not worth it in the first place, but Dammit! I'm just not cool with that. I've been fucked over too many times, and I deserve to go for someone that intregues me beyond measure.)

Do I think way too damned much about this? (I already know the answer to this one, it's "YES!!!" with a million more exclamation points.) Am I able to NOT think about this? (The answer is "NO!!!" with a zillion MORE exclamation points. Apparently that ability is beyond my feeble brain's comprehension.) Ahhh, the glories of being mildly neurotic.

Am I a romantic disaster? I certainly feel like it. I know I'm way too damned sensitive, and can sometimes be demanding, but it's SO DAMNED HARD being alone.

I haven't loved anyone since Erik, who's ridden off into the proverbial sunset with his woman of choice who suits him ever-so-much more than I did. And dammit, that SHOULDN'T bother me, but it does. (To a degree.) I'm retardedly happy for him, and jealous as fuck at the same time. He's an amazing person, and I fucked it all up, and I'm never going to get the chance to make it right. Regret is a bitter drink, indeed.

Jill, you better damned well realize how fucking lucky you are. He'd bend over backwards for you.

I often feel incomplete without this "Love" thing. You can call that dependancy, but for me, having that connection is so neccessary, and so damned rare. I KNOW I'm not that special, but something is starting to eat away at me. (And not in a good way, either.) I'm too scared to say anything to him right now. I'm such a coward. I hate myself when I can't SAY something that's bugging me, because I'm scared of the consequences. In all reality, I probably shouldn't post this, but he's been SO stressed lately, that I'm freaked out about piling more of it on there.

I need advice, and I'm extending my hand and ears to you guys. 95 percent of you are a smart bunch, and there's that five percent that are smarter than God, apparently.

I hate PMS. I'm going to have a nap.

I should have been born a male. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this shit.