Ouroboros.

Music of the Moment: Enigma -- Album: MCMXC A.D.
Moby -- Album: 18

I was talking again with Ian, until the wee hours of the morning. Not waxing philisophic this time, but more having someone to talk to regarding my fears at this moment in time. My concerns. I'm a worried girl.

It came up, last night/this morning, where he was mildly chastising me about living by my morals and my beliefs and my values... He was surprised to learn a few things about me. Okay. perhaps chastising is the wrong word. not even "Tsk-ing"... hrm... Passionately conversing? Heated debate? Animated discussion?

At any rate, he learned some stuff about me.

I wear three sterling silver rings. For a while, during the portion I was "dating" Devin, I was wearing two of them on my left ring finger, as a way to remind myself where my dedication lay. Probably a foolish notion to do so, but at the same time it was effective, it certainly reminded me of him. I might not have been the most diligent, but I never forgot about him. Though, since Monday or so, they've been replaced on my right ring finger, and I have promised myself that I will never wear another ring on that finger, unless I'm actually married/engaged. Otherwise I am just lying to myself.

These first of these two rings is a solitaire white gold plated austrian crystal promise ring I gave myself years ago, after my first relationship, and the second, is a ring that TJP gave me. It's a band of small sapphires and either diamonds or Austrian Crystal. I've never had it appraised, and I never care to. It's wealth of both of these rings is not monetary, but fully emotional.

I've actually been "married" to one of of my friends, in laughter filled, whimsical ceremony with Crystal B... And I'm not joking when I say that these people are frighteningly important to me.

There are rings traded between a large portion of us. It's an interesting concept, and not one I share lightly with people I don't know, or would trust with my life. I've got a ring from Elizabeth that I never remove, both of my Crystals have one from me, Ryan has one from me, and so does Erik.

Erik never knew what exactly I meant by giving it to him, but I guess he does now. He doesn't have to wear it, because I know he doesn't dig wearing rings. It's more the thought that goes along with it that matters.

They aren't usually expensive, and they are usually ones I've worn for a little while before I give them to the person they seem to suit. Erik has a rounded rather wedding band style sterling silver ring, that looks magnificent in its simplicity on his gorgeous hands. Oh, his hands. *sighs*

Crystal D has a wide flat band with symbols etched into it that look like little animals and people, and Crystal B has a narrow silver band with little arrows like this <> going all around it. Ryan has sterling silver celtic knotwork. Simple. Merely symbolic.

I never take off my rings. And because of that, (excepting the one I purchased for Noga since it's too new yet,) the bands have become flat at the bottom, from all of the stuff I used to do with my hands as a baker. They've had flour embedded in them, been smacked on the table. Whatever my hands have done, these rings have done. The other ring I wear is actually on my right thumb, and it's a lone flower in the center of a highly detailed background, that I bought the night I heard that Noga died so abruptly in that horrid accident downtown in April of this year... There is a purpose to this, let me get to it.

Now, the ring that Elizabeth gave me, symbolizes friendship. I've known her for 18 years, and honestly, I'd be nothing without my friends. It's also remarkably pretty. (Hey, I'm a girl, I get distracted by shiny things once in a while.) It's not just my and Elizabeth's friendship that it symbolizes to me though, it's the connection I have with all of my friends. Admittedly, wearing a half dozen rings from each friend on my fingers would look a little stupid, so I abstain. Not that I mind having them, I just don't switch my jewelery all that often.

The ring for Noga... Well, that's pretty self-explanatory. He was a rare human being, and I had known him since I was in kindergarden. It's in memoriam moreso than anything else, and though my memory is long, and I can remember things most people that knew me back then and still know me now wouldn't remember. It's not infallible, though. *shrugs* It's a case of having this fantastic long term memory, and a not so hot short term one, which can be frustrating.

I digress. The promise ring I gave myself... That's the one loaded with meaning... Not many people know this.

This solitaire, represents where my morals, values and views come into play a little more than the two previous. Ian only knows the promise, and not the PREMISE behind that oath to myself. I didn't get into detail about it.

My first relationship was not pretty. It ended poorly, and honestly, the entire thing was shite. It should have ended three months after starting, and it didn't, so it devolved from there and ended up lasting four and a half years. I won't get into many explicit details because it's still pretty personal, and somewhat painful to discuss... Let's suffice to say that there was a lot of fighting, and not all of it was verbally done. Constantly. It's made me scared of arguements in general.

I picked this ring up later on, about four months after being out of that relationship, when I had started to realize who I was again, and was really starting to shine after that period of my life. It is a promise from me, to me.

My promise is this: "I will always be true to myself."

Why? Because no one else will be as much as I can. However, that's not the only reason why.

When I was dating him, for the first while we were living in his parents house. He and his mother attempted numerous times to mold me from who I was, into something more "socially acceptable" to their family. I was too blue collar, I had too much of an opinion. I was overweight... I still am overweight, I'm a little less blue collar, but all in all, that is what you'd categorize me as, and I'm still very opinionated. Moreso than I was when I was 17 to 21. Or at least more certain of those opinions, But honestly, I don't think it detracts from me as a person. If it does, then I don't need those sort of people in my life that think it makes me less of an attractive individual. I put myself through hell and back trying to become another version of his mother, to please him.

You can ask my friends, who I never saw while I was dating him. You can ask my family, who were worried and scared that I was becoming someone else just for him, (with justifiable reason.) And when I was done with him, it was like a bird being freed from a cage, and I saw my friends again. I realized that they had never left me, I had left them. I look back in horror over the fact that I was willing to marry him, despite the arguments, the physical fights, the slow crumbling of my unique personality to something more acceptable for his family. That I almost had a child with him...

I did like his dad, however, who was more accepting of me than he was. His dad was a pretty good guy.

So, that's why I made my promise to myself. That's why I bought myself a ring. It's my friendship with myself, and no one can ever take that away. It's my Ouroboros. It symbolizes my wholeness and infinity. My attempt at peace within myself.

It's also my next tattoo after the last of my kanji is done. You know, when I get the chance.

If it came down to it and I didn't have these objects anymore, would it really matter? Would the meaning be lost without the symbol that represents it? No, of course not. I'm not that stupid, nor am I that attached to the physical things that are never permanant. It's just nice to have a physical reminder of that meaning. It brings it closer, and more grounded to me, when I'm such a physical person.

Song: Moby -- "In This World"